Twenty years ago, if someone had told me the future would be filled with reality television I would have told them, "I love that movie too!" I'm talking of course about that classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Running Man. You've never seen it? Turn you television on right now. I can almost guarantee it's playing on at least one channel right now. The odds are even better if it happens to be Saturday afternoon. And I can absolutely guarantee that you'll see it if you go out and rent it.

This article won't be your typical movie review, but allow me to give you a brief synopsis in case you're one of the five people that have never seen the movie. It takes place in the future where the United States had become a military state where the government rules through force and television. The television lineup primarily consist of game shows with the most popular being The Running Man, where convicted felons are given a chance to win their freedom and other assorted prizes if they can survive by the Stalkers.

The current Governor of California plays Ben Richards, the next contestant to appear on the show which is hosted by Damon Killian played by none other than Family Feud's Richard Dawson, who is either a terrific actor or years of hosting the Family Feud have left him a mean and bitter man. While there is no doubt Killian is the villain of the film, he doesn't make much of a physical challenger to Arnie. That is where the Stalkers come in. Let's take a look.

Name: Professor Sub-Zero
Professor Of: Unknown
Favorite Weapon: Hockey stick with a sharpened metal blade
Method Of Transportation: Ice skates
Most Memorable Yell: "Yeahargh!"
Manner Of Death: Garroted with barbed wire
Snarky Comment About Death: "He was a real pain in the neck."
Notes: Like the rest of the Stalkers Sub-Zero seems to be a conglomeration of mismatched themes, in this case, an ice skating, hockey playing sumo wrestler. It's also never explained what he's a professor of. I can imagine him teaching world history at some community college.

Name: Buzzsaw
Appearance: Buldging-eyed maniac
Favorite Weapon: Chainsaw
Method Of Transportation: Motorcycle
Only Line: "I love this saw. It's a part of me. Now I'm gonna make it part of you."
Manner Of Death: Chainsaw to the groin
Snarky Comment About Death: "He had to split."
Often Confused With: That Transformer that changed from a cassette tape into a bird
Notes: Played by an actor whose first name was Bernard. No wonder he looked so mad.

Name: Dynamo
Lovechild Of: Luciano Pavarotti and a Lite-Brite
Favorite Weapon: Force Lightning
Method Of Transportation: Futuristic Shriners car
Most Wimpy Line: "I'm stuck. Somebody help me! Cut, cut. Go to commercial."
Manner Of Death: Electrocuted by a short circuit due to sprinkler incident
Credited Writer That Forgot To Include A Snarky Death Comment: Steven E. de Souza
Possible Snarky Comment That Could Have Been Used: "That was shocking."
Notes: Unlike the rest of the Stalkers Dynamo wasn't killed during the actual game show. Instead he met his end during the film's climax when the underground resistance stormed the television studio.

Name: Fireball
Hairstyle Looks Like: Skunk-skin cap
Favorite Weapon: Flamethrower
Method Of Transportation: Jetpack
Manner Of Death: Flare ignited his leaking gas tank backpack
Snarky Comment About Death: "What a hothead."
Possible Endorsement Deals: Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Notes: Fireball was another Stalker that begged for a commercial break before his demise. I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. Maybe he was confusing a commecial break with a time out. Flares wait for no one.

Name: Captain Freedom
Status: Retired
Played By: Jesse Ventura
Real Life Status: Former Govenor of Minnesota
Favorite Weapon: His bare hands
Method Of Transportation: Foot power
Manner Of Death: He didn't die.
Most Confusing Plot Point: He killed a stunt double the network made to look like Ben Richards in order to fool the audience into thinking the contestant had finally been killed.
Possible Comeback Costume: Some sort of robot?
Notes: With both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie I'm surprised it wasn't re-released under the tag line: This movie has more state Governors than any other, except Predator, which has an equal amount.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : movies

I never really thought about how violent the mascots for kid's drinks were. Kool-Aid Man's extensive property damage is nothing compared to the antics of the star of today's article. Punchy's sole purpose in life was to shill Hawaiian Punch. He'd approach people with a tall glass of the refreshing beverage in hand and ask "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" It seems innocent enough since after all he does have a glass of the punch in question. The victim invariably agrees. Instead of quenching their thirst Punchy cracks them in the skull. It's not clear that Punchy is of Hawaiian descent so I'm not too sure about the Hawaiian component of his punch. Maybe Hawaiians have a special technique they use when punching people that Punchy has learned to master. In any case Punchy is the anti-Trix Rabbit of the mascot world.

I can't lie. I was never a big fan of Hawaiian Punch but not because I was afraid that people would hit me when I asked for it. My biggest concern was the name. Fruit Juicy Red. Red is not a flavor. On top of that an examination of the ingredients reveals that none of the juicy red fruits included in that variety of Hawaiian Punch were neither red nor produced red juice. Why am I writing about an abusive mascot and drink I didn't like? Because together they produced one of the best games of my childhood.

It doesn't seem like a game designed to advertise something would be any fun, but Hawaiian Punch The Game is an exception. Honestly I can't be sure that's true since the only other product sponsored board game I know of is the K-Mart Blue Light Special game and I've never played it. Maybe it's fun too. I can bet it doesn't have Play-Doh though.

Actually it wasn't really Play-Doh but a harder-clay like substance. At the start of the game players shaped their wad into a pineapple token using the mold designed to look like a can of Hawaiian Punch. Not a soda can but one of those two quart metal cans that you had to poke a hole in to pour the juice out. Do they even make containers like that anymore? Anyway, in addition to the squishy pineapple each player also received a matching colored plastic Punchy figure. This is important.

Gameplay was your standard kid's game of spinning, moving, and following any directions on the space. What sets it apart is what happens on those unlabeled squares. Each space corresponds to one of the player's colors. Land on someone else's color and they get to powerfully pound your poor pineapple with their plastic Punchy. Hooray for alliteration. When you only play with two people it isn't bad since the unused colors become safe havens, but with four people playing everyone winds up moving flat shapeless blobs around the board.

Apart from the spaces that direct you forward or back two squares, there are two other types of instructional spaces. The first is remold and just like it sounds allows you reshape your flat piece of clay back into its pineapple shape. The other is size check and its true purpose, like my instructions booklet, is lost. I do remember that there is a penalty if you land on a size check space and your piece extends beyond the size of the square. I don't remember if it's simply moving back so many spaces or the dreaded return to start.

Overall Hawaiian Punch is a fun game. I liked it as a kid and it stood the test of time when we dusted it off during a recent holiday gathering, which is more than I can say about the Tetris board game. If you wind up playing with a group of adults I'd suggest implementing a rule that Punchy can't be over two inches above the target before the player starts smashing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, toys

There is a fire burning in the heart of Pennsylvania. That's not a metaphor about a town of hardworking people. It's a literal fire, the kind that has been known to attack the pants of liars. The fire has taken up residence in the small town of Centralia. The name may sound strange and made up but it's really no different than Australia only with Centra's replacing the Austra's. I'm not sure what an Austra is but a Centra is a misspelled version of a car from Nissan. I doubt you'd find any in Centralia though.

I've never been there but I'd like to imagine a large sign on the outskirts of town welcoming me to Centralia. Underneath would be a smaller sign with displaying the current population, which over the years has been marked out again and again and now reads 18. There isn't a missing zero. The town's population is a meager eighteen souls. Where did everyone else go? They left. Fire doesn't make the friendliest neighbor.

You would think a fire that almost managed to wipe out an entire town would get national news coverage. If the destruction happened over a shorter time frame it might have, but the fire is older than I am. In fact it just celebrated its 44th birthday this year.

The year was 1962. The town's dump was located in an abandoned strip mine next to Odd Fellows Cemetery. In preparation of the upcoming holiday when a lot of the residents visited the gravesites, the trash was set on fire in order to suppress the stench. The fire was put out and a fresh load of dirt was spread on the ashes. Since I've already given away the ending of the story you can probably guess that the fire wasn't really out. But what problems can smoldering ashes under a layer of dirt cause?

Centralia had been a coal mining town at one point in its history but the tunnels has been long abandoned by the 60's. A few had been exposed by the strip mine which was now the home of the town's dump, but the exposed tunnels were to be filled up incombustible material before the mine could be used as a trash hole. Most were. But one wasn't. The fire found it's way into the tunnels and more importantly the remaining coal.

Many different plans were tried but nothing was able to stop the fire. By the 80's most of the residents had been relocated in order to avoid deadly gas that was seeping into their homes. The abandoned buildings were torn down but a few still remain. The small town becomes even smaller and the fire still burns.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : places

It's time to look at another commercial from my list of favorites. This one comes to us from Wendy's and made its mark in 1984. It spawned a popular catch phrase that is still going strong. I managed to track down a copy of the original so you can see it for yourself.

The commercial was an instant classic and is number five on USAToday.com's list of Top 10 Commercials Of All Time. Three elderly women spend the spot messing around with a tiny hamburger patty on a large bun. While the two on the left continually comment about the bun, the third woman, 81-year-old Clara Peller, wants to know where the beef is. Yes, Clara is the "Where's the beef?" lady.

There were a fewother commercials made staring the trio, but none of the other ladies found as much fame as Clara. I challenge you to even find their names. "Where's the beef?" took the nation by storm. It even had it's own song by Coyote McCloud. Her fame also ended up being her undoing. In a commercial for Prego spaghetti sauce Clara exclaimed, "I found it." This phrase didn't catch on, apart from people who had just found something they lost, and her original employer didn't appreciate that Clara would find meat anywhere else besides between Wendy's buns. With that, Mrs. Peller disappeared from the airwaves and the public's consciousness.

A quick search of the internet will turn up quite a bit about the "Where's the beef?" ads and Clara Peller. One thing I remember reading about when the commercial first aired was that Clara was almost completely deaf and a bit senile. During the filming of the spots there was always someone crouched down next to her that would tap her leg when it was time to deliver her lines. And I thought my job was bad.

I'd like to end today with this thought. What is that big gray thing behind the women? Are they booths or is it a board for a giant game of tic tac toe?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

Liza squinted her eyes against the harsh fluorescent lighting. "Why did I take a job that starts so early," she mumbled to herself. Taking a job stocking shelves at the local, big chain hardware store seemed like a good at the time, but she didn't factor in the customers. All employees were required to answer any questions the customers wandering the aisles might have. She hated it. Try as she could to blend into the shelves she was stocking but the brightly colored vest made Liza stand out like a sore thumb. That is how he spotted her. She could hear his slow shuffle coming towards her and turned to face him. Might as well get this over with, she thought.

"Excuse me," the man began while staring at her chest.

"Please be reading my name tag," she repeated to herself over and over.

"Liza," he continued, now making eye contact. "I have a bit of a problem. I've got a bucket that is in need of repair. There is a hole in the bucket."

"Well, sir," Liza began.

"Please, call me Henry," Henry interrupted.

"Ok, Henry. You might be able to find a dowel that you could use to plug up the hole. I believe they are in aisle 4."

"Thank you very much, Liza," Henry said as he shuffled off towards the dowels.

Liza when back to what she did best, piling things on shelves without rhyme or reason. The best part about the job was being able to let her mind drift. As long as no customers bothered her, Liza could work through an entire day without realizing it. Even now a half hour had passed without her noticing.

"Excuse me, Liza." Liza was shocked back to her senses and turned to see Henry standing there. "It seems I overestimated the size of the hole and ended up buying a dowel that is too big."

Liza waved towards the front of the store. "They should be able to help you at the customer service desk. You can exchange it for one that is a better size."

"Ah, but I left the dowel at home. I wonder what else could be done," Henry inquired.

"Well, Henry, you could cut the dowel so it would fit."

"That’s a fine idea."

"Axe and saws are in aisle 12," Liza indicated with a sweeping arc of her hand.

"Thank you again, Liza," Henry explained as he wandered off to make another purchase.

A half-hour later Liza was stocking a different shelf, but that didn't stop her new best friend.

"There you are, Liza. You won't believe what happened," Henry said. "I was looking at the axes when I realized I already have one at home, but when I got home and the thing was duller than a butter knife. I was hoping you might have a solution."

Liza irritation was starting to show. "Why don't you sharpen it, Henry?"

"Another great idea. How would I..."

Liza cut him off, "Sharpening stones are in aisle 12 next to the axes."

"You've been very helpful," Henry returned.

A half hour later, Liza was scrambling to hide. She turned a corner and nearly ran into Henry. My watch must be slow, she thought.

"Liza, just the person I was looking for," Henry exclaimed.

"Hello, Henry."

"The sharpening stone I bought doesn't seem to work. The axe is still dull."

"Did you follow the instructions," Liza asked. "I think you need to wet the stone."

"Ahh."

"With water," Liza clarified.

"Now that's a problem," Henry said. "You see there's a hole in my bucket, Liza."

Liza could feel something snap. "Why don't you buy a new bucket, Henry," she screamed. With the weight of all the eyes in the store on her, Liza mumbled, "I guess it's time to find a new job."

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Over a year ago Taco Bell did something to forever alter its fast food landscape. No, not the almost complete extinction of the Chili Cheese Burrito, I'm talking about the inspiring words now found on their sauce packets. Words the suits at Taco Bell headquarters like to call "Sauce Wisdom" even though I've yet to have them impart any real wisdom.

Here is the batch I got during the last run to the border. I've seen them countless times before, but for some reason this time I started to wonder who comes up with these insane ramblings. A quick search brought me the answer. You do. Not you personally, but you meaning society at large.

Last May Taco Bell held a contest for customers to submit their own pieces of sauce wisdom to grace the next batch of packets. Lured by the offer of a free year of food, thousands of people offered up their creative sayings. In the end only twelve were deemed sauce worthy. Let's take a look at what people, who by now are vowing to never eat at Taco Bell again, came up with.

Bike tires scare me – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one really makes me think. Is it a personal confession of a madman or a look at the inner thoughts of sauce come to life? Either way I can't see what would make bike tires so frightening.

Hello – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.) and A. Franklin (Lakeland, Fla.)
Two people were able to come up with this bit of wisdom. I'd say it could be made even better by adding a question mark. Hello?

I M A HOT T R U 2? – M. Carson (East Wenatchee, Wash.)
I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that the M stands for Missy. Letters and numbers aren't words. They are used to build words. Just like vegetables aren't food, they're what food eats.

I’m in good hands now – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one makes no sense. What kind of good hands would rip you open and squirt your innards on their lunch?

It’s okay, you can say it. I love you too. – D. Kortenhoeven (Colorado Springs, Colo.)
I'm not sure what D. Kortenhoeven does with his sauce packets, but I don't think I want to know about it. Kortenhoeven: the funny name that's fun to say. Kortenhoeven.

Mmmmmmm... Sauce – T. Stuckey (Smyrna, Ga.) and C. Underhill (White House, Tenn.)
Only two people thought this one up and they were probably writers for the Simpsons using assumed names. You're not fooling anyone Mr. Underhill. Not only did you steal a fake name from a famous book, everyone knows the White House is in Washington D.C., not Tennessee.

My sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School – C. Kemmerer (Cocoa Beach, Fla.)
Ha, it's funny because it's like those bumper stickers. Your precious sauce is in my stomach now. How do you like that?

Not to be used as a flotation device – T. Coleman (Indianapolis, Ind.)
My goal is to gather enough packets with this saying to build a raft and sail to T. Coleman's house, which is hopefully located on the only river I could find running through Indianapolis, the White River.

Pick me! Pick me! – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.), C. Gierhart (Clyde, Ohio), D. Gray (Louisville, Ky.), J. Scoyni (Bakersfield, Calif.) and A. Teraberry (Scottsdale, Ariz.)
I'm not sure if that was their saying or if they just wanted free food, but it worked for five pople.

When I grow up I want to be a waterbed – J. Rydman (Alameda, Calif.)
This entry wins the non sequitur award. Even the bike tire comment makes a little bit of sense. Unless J. Rydman is implying that Taco Bell's sauce is watery and bland. They probably work for Del Taco.

Where are you taking me? – K. Moody (Arlington, Tenn.)
Paranoia in food products is something we don't see enough of. I can see it now. Popsicles that reveal "What have you done?" printed on the stick. Potato chips that have little unhappy faces printed on them.

You had me at taco. – L. Hunt (West Monroe, La.)
Another gem. A butchered version of a lame quote from an eight year old movie. I wonder if the contest was flooded with so many bad movie quotes like this that the judges just gave up and picked one at random. I find it hard to believe they wouldn't have picked "Throw me the taco, I throw you the sauce." or "May the sauce be with you." if they were an option.

There you have the twelve winners of the "Share Your Sauce Wisdom" contest. Strangely I never heard about this contest while it was running. Either it wasn't heavily promoted or I don't pay enough attention. Maybe they'll try it again this year. I'm tired of reading the same phrases and they've proved that they're too lazy to think up their own.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

The video game era brought with it fame and fortune for those that sought it. Ordinary people with humble beginnings found themselves a household name. But for every star that continues to shine, such as the Mushroom Kingdom's Mario, there are countless others that fade just as quickly as they appeared. Peter Pepper is one such star.

Growing up Peter was fascinated by food. He'd spend hours creating realistic looking three course meals out of clay. It wasn't until a schoolyard friend said of his creations that they looked good enough to eat that an idea sparked in his head. With an overturned cardboard box on the street corner and some clay, paste and crayon shavings, Peter began selling his non-toxic foodstuffs to kids hungry for more than the usual mud pie and worm spaghetti. Soon the line stretched around the block and Peter was struggling to keep up with demand. Seeing the look of happiness on his customers face filled him with satisfaction. It was then that Peter made it his goal to feed the world.

Knowing what you want to do and actually doing it isn't always an easy task as Peter found out. He spent a few years at college taking a variety of courses. Anything that he thought would help him to reach for his dream. The few people he told about his goal laughed and made fun of him. So it was that Peter decided the best course of action would be to just start trying. With the last of his money, he bought an old run down warehouse to be the center of his food empire.

After months of experimentation and quite a few failed projects, Peter made a breakthrough. Giant hamburgers. They weren't your ordinary "you'll need two hands to eat it" burger though. Each was as tall as a man and almost twelve feet in diameter. A single burger could feed everyone in a normal sized town. Unable to pay for employees, Peter setup a complex system of scaffolding and platforms to allow him to efficiently complete the growing number of orders.

But then one night something very strange happened. An unpredicted electrical storm loomed over the town and struck the warehouse. Peter's failed experiments left to rot in the corner came to life like a bad science fiction movie. Oversized hot dogs, eggs and pickles were soon shuffling around inexplicably hungry for human flesh. Peter tried to defend himself from the mindless food horde while trying to complete the next day's orders. Even throwing spices in their faces and crushing them beneath the giant meat patties wasn't enough. Peter managed to escape, but the rampaging food zombies broke a gas line. The resulting explosion destroyed the warehouse and Peter's dreams.

The odd tragedy made national news and soon Peter found himself awash in offers, from head chef at national renown restaurants, to cookbook deals and even a made for TV movie. One deal was even so strange that Peter thought it was the perfect fit for this bizarre occurrence. So it was that Burgertime found its way into arcades across the nation.

With his new found fame and fortune, Peter was on top of the world. Money from the video game deal and the insurance on the warehouse was more than enough for him to start over. This time he'd start off a bit slower in order to build up more capital before unleashing the forces needed to feed the world. His first venture was to start up his own chain of restaurants, Peter Pepper's Burger Factory. The interiors were designed as imitations of the platform and scaffolding construction he had built in the warehouse. Each table had its own dumb waiter that would lower the food down to the customers and the servers were dressed as the food-come-to-life that had threatened his that one stormy night. The menu consisted of miniature versions of his giant hamburgers. Even at this reduced size they were still large enough to fill a whole plate.

Peter got so consumed in his burger vision that he forgot about the dream that started him on this path. The public growing bored with burgers hunted for the next cool place to eat. Within two years of opening its doors the Burger Factories closed down. Peter, along with his dwindling fortune, disappeared from the public's eye. He spent the next few years traveling from place to place, gathering up local recipes.

The last known sighting of Mr. Pepper was on the hit Japanese show Iron Chef. Peter was slated to become one of the iron chefs, Iron Chef Burger, but never appeared in more than his debut episode where he suffered a terrible loss. When asked to comment Peter had this to say: "I hate that Chairman Kaga. What kind of secret ingredient is asparagus anyway? How am I supposed to make burgers with that? He's just mad that I switched out one of his peppers with one made out of wax. How was I supposed to know he was going to take a big bite out of it? He's not even a real chairman." With that Peter Pepper, his burgers, and dreams of feeding the world disappeared.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : video games

Have you ever scoured the internet for a tiny morsel of information only to find what you need on a page of incomprehensible gibberish, due to a foreign language and not because of the fact that the author has yet to grasp the subtleties of the English language. Luckily there are countless pages that will help you translate those funny squiggles into something you can read. They can also be a secret source of entertainment when you have some free time and you just can't take another round of solitaire. Let me welcome you the sometimes odd world of computer translation.

I took a simple nursery rhyme and translated it to a different language. Then I took that translation and translated it back to English. With a perfect program the English should be close to the same, but the translation programs available today are far from perfect. To add to the effect I repeated the process three times. Let's take a look at the results. First is the original English.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

I went with the standard Jack and Jill. If it's simple enough for kids, a translation program should have no trouble with it. Right?

Portuguese
Jack and Jill had been above of the set that looks at a bucket of the water. Jack fell for point low and broke its crown. Jill came falling after that this this.

If Jack is in love with "point low", if that even is its real name, why did he break its crown. It must be one of those playground romances. Is this this some sort of dog breed?

Spanish
Gato and Jill went in the hill to bring a bucket of the water. The cat fell down and broke its crown. Jill came more next falling.

Gato is filling in for Jack. With a name like that you can tell he loves cats. He even brought one with them to explore the giant hole in the hill. Unfortunately, it was a pit trap and the cat didn't make it. Since Jill was only more next to fall I have to assume Gato jumped in after his beloved pet.

French
Jack and Jill assembled the hill to seek a bucket of water. Jack fell at the bottom and broke its crown. Jill came dégringolant then.

Always the do-it-yourselfers Jack and Jill built their own hill in order to fulfill their water quest. Jack couldn't even get to the top before he managed to hurt himself. Being the smart one, Jill took a blimp to the top.

Dutch
The jacket and Jill hillock of a bucket will obtain water. The linker fall below the jacket and discontinuance crown is. Jill came afterwards tumbling.

Jack finally left Jill due to her being a hillock of a bucket. I can finally rest easy though knowing that the thing at the end of a zipper is called the linker.

German
Jack and Jill rose to the tub of the water too receive hills. Jack fell down and broke its crown. Jill came to it stolpernd.

There is no hope for humanity if even machines can't be taught the difference between "to" and "too". That Jill. She's always stolpernd.

Italian
Jack and Jill have gone on the hill to take one bucket of the water. Jack has fallen and has broken the advanced part relative. Jill has falling come after.

No wonder Jack and Jill are always trudging up that hill. They're only allowed one bucket at a time. Now Jack will have to spend the day at the hardware store looking for a new advanced part. At least he didn't break his crown.

Greek
The Jack and that of Jill I go up the hill for what I bring a water of buckets. The Jack fell under and this broke his crown. The Jill came falling then.

There isn't a noun that doesn't seem more impressive when you put "the" in front of it. We're also treated to the autobiographical version of the story.

Russian
Jack and Jill send upward by hill fetch the pail of water. Jack it was lowered it downward and it were broken its crown. Jill arrived rushashchsya in pozhe.

In Soviet Russia hill sends you for water. It's nice to see that by fetching her own water Jill was able to afford a Porsche. Oh wait, it's just a generic knock off.

Chinese
Jake and Jill climb the hill to bring the barrel water. Jake tumbled and has broken his crown. Jill will be newest future tumbles.

The truth is Jack and Jill were not friends but bitter rivals competing for a place on the gymnastics team. After an unfortunate "accident", Jill manages to secure her spot on the team.

Korean
It brought the Jack inside order and the hill which is contiguous the Jill funeral with high formation matched inside the pail of the adjacent waters which is contiguous. The Jack came down on lower part and it intercepted his crown. It inside the Jill came down after.

A simple task of fetching water became a nightmare of terror. "It" had already managed to get Jill. Jack fought to escape, but it had the crown.

Japanese
Jill where that did and takes the bucket of the hill and the water Jack it came. At the time of Jack? That crown had been broken. Jill rear movement, it goes back and forth.

I will leave you with this haiku: The time of Jack comes. Broken crowns will be repaired. Jill walks sexily.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Cows. I'm not quite sure when my obsession with them began but I'm pretty sure Gary Larson had a hand in it. How can you not like cows? They're funny to look at and they taste great both in solid and liquid form. But I've often wondered if they ever get tired of people yelling "Moo" at them as they speed along the highway. I recently found my answer. Cows invaded my city. Sure it was promoted as all in good fun, even going as far as calling it "Cow Parade", but I knew the horrible truth. The cows were coming to extract their revenge. Let's take a look as some of the more devious infiltrators.

Some cows went for the obvious route of just putting on human clothing in an attempt to fit in. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a cow sitting on a park bench in the middle of downtown, but it's not the most inconspicuous thing. The second cow may have had more luck had he not covered himself in Silly Putty and rolled around on the newspaper.

Another cow thought he'd infiltrate society in a civil servant job. I'm not sure how he filled out the job application without opposable thumbs but he managed to get a job with the post office. He thought it was the perfect cover. He didn't take into account the dogs. No one ever does.

While cows have a hard time passing themselves off as humans, they do much better impersonating everyday objects. Woe is the drunk that stumbles up to this bar. You would think that the fact that it only serves moo-tinis would clue them in to the lurking dangers though. Not so much with the so called rollercowster. It even has all the proper safety harnesses. Sure the cow looks like it's having fun, but that tongue isn't dangling in the breeze as it flies down the tracks. It's licking its lips, having devoured another helpless soul in the search of an E-ticket good time.

World domination isn't a solo job. Why do you think all those James Bond villains never manage it? Cows have studied this and know they'll need some help. Some cows found a helping hand in the form of bears. Don't laugh. Bears are considered the ninjas of the animal world. How else do you think Yogi gets all those picnic baskets?

So far the attempts that we've seen have been pretty mild, but now things have changed. I managed to stumble across the training grounds for the cow special forces teams. Why disguise yourself as a human or object when you can just disappear? At least that's what the recruitment posters said. The cows in training haven't quite made it to that point but they're getting there. Their specialty is camouflage. Next time you water the plants around the office keep your eyes open.

I've saved the most horrific revelation for the end, since if I had made it in the beginning you may not have kept reading. The cows have developed weapons and it's not just rocks or sticks or rocks tied to sticks. It's much worse. Cow bombers. Take a guess at what they use for ammunition. Yeah. And you though birds were bad. To make matters worse there are even some cows that have learned to shoot lasers from their eyes. We're doomed.

Though there may be a ravenous herd of cows seeking our destruction, through all the horror I managed to catch a glimpse of one cow that knew its place in the world. That cow could serve as a shining beacon of hope for all of mankind.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

In order to promote their new website, the Discovery family of channels, of which there are a surprising number, ran a commercial about it almost every break. I looked forward to it every time. Whoever designed the ad knew trying to sell a website would be difficult without a hook. Their hook was to make a commercial that appeared to have been put together in an hour using people they pulled off the street. All three commercials followed a similar format. People dressed in strange costumes would greet each other, talk about the website, and then something bad usually happened. Sounds boring? Just you wait.

First up is a spot staring partially eaten fish who reside in the stomach of a great white shark. Oddly this was my least favorite of the three. The fish meet each other and talk about all the wonderful things that can be found on discovery.com. Unlike the other ads though, there is no tragedy that strikes. Instead a third fish slides down the tube in the back to announce, "They even have the news and weather." For a long time there was debate on if that third fish was Gary Coleman. We still don't know the answer.

The next ad features a pair of mosquitoes having lunch on someone's arm. I am almost at a loss as to how to even begin to describe what is going on in this commercial. The costumes are over the top, bulbous affairs, with multiple arms, wings, bug eye goggles, and even a giant straw. The people inside the suits seem to be channeling Rick Moranis' portrayal of Louis Tully in Ghostbusters. At the start of the spot the two bugs get lowered on wires to the arm landscape, at which point one of the mosquitoes loses his footing and plows into the other one. They then manage to greet each other without entangling their multiple arms and begin discussing the finer points of the website. The first mosquito talks about how discovery.com is great source of travel information. The second mosquito delivers the highlight of the commercial in a loveless monotone, "I love to travel." The whole thing wraps up with a giant hand coming down and crushing the screaming second bug while the first makes its escape. There won't be any more traveling for that fella.

Finally we come to my favorite of the three. While it's not as outlandish as the mosquitoes, it has the better ending. This time the spokesthings are giant space rocks. "Hello, Meteor," they greet each other. The rest of the conversation is about how discovery.com is their guidebook for life and all the practical things they learned, one of those things being that most meteors burn up in Earth's atmosphere. On cue the space scene behind them changes to show the approaching Earth and the rock suits burst into flame. Their deadpan reactions would make even Steven Wright proud. "Ahhh, the atmosphere." Ah, indeed.

So there you have it. The commercials have long since disappeared off the air, but you should be able to track them down with a little bit of searching if you've never seen them. Keep an eye out forth one, which is an outtake from the mosquito commercial. It's thirty seconds of one of the mosquitoes flailing around on the wires while the other stands there looking not amused. If all commercials were like that one maybe more people would watch them.

Update:
Again YouTube comes to the rescue. Here are all the commercials for your viewing enjoyment.

Hello, Partially Eaten Fish

Hello, Mosquito

Hello, Meteor

Mosquito Outakes

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials

Kid shows are a dime a dozen, but how do you measure their true success? By the number of toys? In most cases the toys come first in the creation process. The true measure of success is having a music album, whether it's the disco stylings of Sesame Street Fever or the new wave waves of Chipmunk Punk. No, I did not just make those up.

Using this theory it should come as no surprise that there is a CD out there with Ren & Stimpy's faces on it. They soared to popularity in the early 90's, teaching teenagers to love cartoons again, and that not all toons need to be a thirty minute commercials or involve dropping anvils on people's heads. The show has a turbulent past that I won't get into today. Instead it's all about the music and an in-depth review of all twenty-one tracks of You Eediot!

The Whistler / Overture - In the introductory track Stimpy pleads with Ren to listen to his new record with all his favorite songs. Amazingly enough Stimpy's new purchase is the album we're already listening to. I'm not sure if this is meant to lure the listener into thinking they are listening along with the duo, or if it's some strange time paradox.

Dog Pound Hop - This is an extended version of the opening theme song for the show. Or maybe the theme song is a shortened version of Dog Pound Hop. In either case, this song is also used during the big party scene at the pound in the first episode, Big House Blues. I put a party hat on my dog in an effort to see if he'd start dancing to its rhythmic beat, but he just sat on the couch licking himself.

Muddy Mudskipper Theme - Who's the greatest mudskipper of them all? Since I only know one, Muddy, he wins by default. This is another song that actually came from the show, so any regular viewers probably have it stuck in their head by now. He's got segmented eyes.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy - If you know only one Ren & Stimpy song it's probably this one. Had I been an elitist snob I probably would have turned my nose up and the influx of new fans that were lured in by this catchy tune. Who am I kidding? I did turn my nose up at them. Just a little. Without them though there probably wouldn't have been half of the merchandise that made it to the shelves and I never would have learned the joy a plush Stimpy with a whoopee cushion inside can bring.

Firedogs - Finally the first mostly original track appears. I say mostly since the song has never appeared in an episode, but the majority of the song is quotes from the Firedogs episode peppered with lyrics that warn, "watch out for those firedogs." Meh.

Better Than No One - This is an original song. It starts out as a tap dance number and quickly becomes a duet where the pair declares their friendship. At least Stimpy does by claiming no one is better than Ren. Ren on the other hand can only label Stimpy as better than no one. Sort of like this CD so far. It's better than silence.

Nose Goblins - I'm not even sure how to describe this one. Singing boogers. That's the best I can do. The music sounds like something you'd hear in a dark club where everyone is wearing berets and snapping their approval.

Smokin' - It's more of the same jazzy style music from Nose Goblins without all the pesky lyrics. If heard on it's own there would be no way anyone would associate this song with Ren & Stimpy. We're barely half way though and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Log Blues / Log Theme - Whoever decided the track order for this album was a genius. After almost fifteen minutes of garbage, this ray of light shines through. It's an ad for International Log complete with the Log jingle, which was just a rip off of the old slinky jingle.

Captain's Log / Space Madness - When you title a song after what has to be one of my favorite episodes my expectations are going to be pretty high. Instead I'm presented with a song similar to Firedogs. Music, very similar to Dog Pound Hop, plays while quotes from the episode are heard. The quotes do include Ren's rambling about his ice cream bar, which in reality is a bar of soap, but they leave out the part where he take a giant bite out of it.

Sven Theme - It's another music/episode quotes track. This one is actually above average though since the music is completely different from anything heard so far. It's polka. Could you expect anything less from a name like Sven? Most of the quotes involve Stimpy goofing around with Ren's idiot cousin, Sven. While the quotes come directly from the episode, without the corresponding visuals lines like "Wow, it's so big." and "Do you want to see mine?" feel a bit creepy.

Sven Blues - This is little more than an introduction for the next song. Sven and Stimpy spend their rainy day digging though the closet for something to play. They come up with...

Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence - I don't remember if this jingle was actually in the episode, but if it was I know it wasn't the complete song presented here. When only the best in toilet humor will do, be sure to choose Ren & Stimpy.

Ren's Pecs - Stimpy sings about missing his friend now that Ren has his fancy pectoral implants and has moved to Hollywood. It's creepily sad.

I'm Gonna Be A Monkey - Another catchy tune that did make it to air at least in part. I don't remember why they disguised themselves as monkeys but Stimpy is excited about the lessons Ren is about to give on how to be a monkey. How did Ren become an expert on monkeys? He's seen every Tarzan movie ever made.

Filthy's Dance - I don't know why these weren't all one track, but this is a continuation of the monkey song. Ren begins his lesson by showing Stimpy how to swing around like a monkey. Unfortunately Ren's no monkey and finds himself crashing to the floor, or maybe into a wall, the sound effect doesn't clarify.

Jungle Boogie - No, Kool & The Gang haven't found their way onto a kid's album. This track is Stimpy chance to imitate Ren's fancy monkey maneuvers complete with a crash at the end.

Dizzy Monkey - A short reprise of Gonna Be A Monkey by a dizzy Ren and Stimpy. So ends the monkey saga.

Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksman - This was the next big song at the time this album came out. I don't think it ever found the amount of popularity that Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy did, but they tried.

The Whistler / Underture - Similar to the Overture, this is another talking track. In a throwback to the closing scenes from some of the early episodes, Ren and Stimpy are saying goodbye, with Stimpy getting upset. To make him feel better Ren suggests he could listen to the record again. I think I'll sit this one out.

Big House Blues - It's an extended version of the credits song from the show. I'd like some credit that I made it through this whole thing.

Was it really that bad? It's nothing more than I'd expect from an album from a show that only has a handful of memorable songs. Granted all those songs are on there, but it's the filler that drags everything down. If you need to be able to hear Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy over and over again, though, I would highly recommend it.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : music, television

The grocery store cereal aisle is a continuously altering landscape. Boxes adorned with popular icons will eventually disappear to be replaced by the next rising star of children's entertainment. So, if you think you might crave Shrek cereal twenty years from now you better stock up. Even the veterans feel the effects of change, whether it's something as simple as a change in the toy prize you find covered in sugar dust at the bottom of the box, or a massive overhaul to the crunchy bits themselves. I'll miss you old Trix, even if you did look like rainbow colored rabbit turds.

While my main breakfast staple continues to be cereal, I try to avoid the aisle fads, most of which don't even get a spot on the shelves. They're just stacked up in lonely piles at the end of the aisles. Even if they are tasty I don't want to get my hopes up over something that probably won't be there the next time I shop. Plus it looks a bit odd to be buying Yu-Gi-Oh's with no kids in sight. Although my adult mind has been able to evade an dependence to something that will eventually let me down, I wasn't as smart when I was a kid. There are a few cereals that even now I crave.

First on the list is Smurfberry Crunch, an offering from those tiny, mushroom dwelling, blue folk. Sadly, other than my devotion to it I can remember very little about it. The most prominent thing being that it managed to make the list of cereals for whatever reason I was not allowed to have. Along with Fruity Pebbles, this was a treat only available at my grandparents' house. I can't even remember what it tasted like. My brain insists that it tasted similar to crunchberries, but after almost thirty years together I know better than to trust it. However it tastes I'm sure it wouldn't live up to twenty years of expectations. It is interesting to note how the whole vibe of the cereal would have been different had Gargamel been on the cover instead of Papa Smurf.

Next up is an item from the Krispies boom of the 80's. It seems Kellogg decided to boost their lineup of Rice and Cocoa Krispies, by adding newcomers Frosted and Marshmallow. Frosted Krispies seemed to be a bit of overkill since any self respecting kid already dumped enough sugar on Rice Krispies to create a veritable snowfield. Marshmallow Krispies on the other hand were a stroke of genius. On the outside, they appeared to be nothing special, just ordinary Rice Krispies with some plain looking marshmallows. Joined together these two forces ruled my breakfast empire. It was a sad day when it finally vanished from the shelves.

I can understand why Smurfberry Crunch went missing, since it was directly tied to a cartoon, but what went wrong with Marshmallow Krispies? With all the rice based cereals out there, why aren't there any that have the delicious marbits that I crave? I blame the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles foray into the breakfast aisle. TMNT cereal is best described as Rice Chex with marshmallows. Unfortunately in Ralston's quest to make the cereal more kid friendly they covered the chex pieces with a sugary shellac. That may seem like a good thing, but instead of adding a boost of sweetness, this glossy coating made the cereal impervious to milk. The end result was a cereal so sharp and crunchy it made Cap'n Crunch seem like melted butter. Rice and marshmallows never saw each other again.

Lastly we have that which I crave the most, Magic Middles. I know what you're thinking. Indeed Magic Middles were not cereal. They were fudge filled cookies of both the chocolate chip and shortbread variety. More importantly the shortbread version also came in a mini size. I'm not sure what inspired me but one day I put about a dozen of the miniature cookies in a bowl and covered them in milk. Not surprisingly their dense fudge center kept them from floating. There submerged beneath the milk the cookies were transformed into something words cannot even begin to describe, but it was the most incredible thing I have ever had for breakfast. I've held out hope for years that Magic Middles would resurface, but it doesn't look too promising since Keebler has started to reuse the name for cookies that don't even come close to the originals.

There are many more cereals that have come and gone that held a place at my breakfast table but these are the three that continue to haunt me. Were they really as good as I remember? Who knows? There will never be another chance to find out, unless of course practical time travel becomes a reality in my lifetime. I don't have my hopes up though.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

It's that time of year again. What? Election Day? Does all the talk of old toys, candy and commercials make you think this is a political blog? No, today is the 31st anniversary of my existence. I bet you forgot to get me something. That's ok. Allow me to give you a present instead, but just remember you have to do the same on your Birthday.

You may have tried looking at my profile to gain some insight on the man behind the blog, or at the very least to compare my photo to the post office wanted posters, only to be disappointed by the lack of info. So far I've done my best to keep myself anonymous, but today my gift to you is photographic proof that I am real.

Truthfully the photo is a little out of date. And before you make fun of my clothes, keep in mind it was the 70's and I probably wasn't old enough to dress myself. That still doesn't explain the mask. Is that monkey wearing lipstick?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

I've had something on my mind for quite some time. Even with the vast resources of the internet at my disposal I haven't managed to unearth any information in my quest. I had even begun to question whether I had made up one of my fondest childhood memories. Then over the holidays while searching my parents attic for some of my old toys I stumbled across a box full of old papers, which not only exposed that my pack rat ways began at a young age but also contained proof that my memories weren't false after all. Join me now as we travel back in time to not only expose one of my greatest disappointments but also help those that may be googling Transformers: The Movie mail-in get the information they're looking for.

As a kid, getting mail outside of the normal card giving holidays was a big deal, especially if it was actually addressed to you instead of just saying current resident. When something from the Transformers showed up with my name on it, my young mind was blown. I recall getting this before having heard any mention of the upcoming movie and the onslaught of trailers during every commercial break. My days and nights were spent analyzing the mysteries within. Even looking at it now brings back a flood of nostalgic memories. The only difference now is that I can see the gigantic marketing ploy that I fell for as a kid. Let's take a closer look at this mysterious booklet.

Even the outside of this booklet was pretty amazing. While most mail comes in a boring envelopes that at most might have an interesting stamp or post mark, the people at Hasbro spared no expense. They also spoiled what might have been their greatest plot twist with putting a transformed Unicron right on the cover. I guess they figured kids wouldn't figure out the giant planet called Unicron had any connection with the robot of the same name. For the kids that weren't lured in by the pretty pictures on the front, the back of the booklet was covered with bullet points that would surely appeal to their more analytical mind. It also promised "Transformers Excitement." What I want to know is why didn't that little robot posing as the postage appear in the movie? I would have bought a Bulky figure.

The first fold of the booklet exposes a tantalizing taste of what to expect if we convinced our parents to shell out the money for movie tickets. A giant planet muncher will threaten Cybertron, Optimus Prime might be a wuss, Megatron is still evil, but may join forces with Unicron in order to work the buddy sitcom angle, and the chosen one will rescue them all as long as he realizes he's the chosen one. The page is bursting with shocking revelations but my attention was always drawn to the picture in the upper left. Who were all these robots and what happened to all the regulars? The new wave of movie transformers hit the shelves just before the movie was out, so at least the who question was answered. As to all the regulars, the first five minutes of the movie would take care of the what question. They're all dead.

The next fold opened to the hidden agenda of this booklet. Buy our stuff. It actuality it wasn't too different from the little pamphlet that came stuffed in the transformer boxes offering goodies in exchange for robot points with the exception of two major changes. It was quite a bit larger and it offered something those pamphlets never could. It offered up the leaders of the warring factions, Optimus Prime and Megatron. Why is this a big deal? Couldn't these very figures be found in any toy store? Look a little more carefully. What is offered here is the "movie version" of both Prime and Meggy. Also notice that anywhere it appears "movie version" is always in quotes. You'll find out why soon enough.

Of course I had been taken in by the entire production. Who knew a piece of folded paper could be so persuasive? I don't remember how much begging I had to do but I eventually struck a deal that enabled me to get one of these fabulous "movie version" offerings. Considering I had neither as a plain regular version it must have been a difficult decision. I opted for Megatron since my Decepticon roster was a little slim and I figured maybe a bit of leadership would help boost morale. Points collected and shipping paid, all I had to do was sit back and wait for my prize.

For six to eight weeks my mind worked overtime to imagine what would make my new acquisition so special as to earn the title of "movie version." Then the deluge of trailers began. It didn't take many viewings of a cracked and broken down Megatron announcing, "it's over Prime," before I worked out what would make my toy the most coveted of the schoolyard. Battle damage. I could hardly contain my glee when one fine day, a large brown box with my name on it showed up at our door. Was it everything I had hoped for?

If there really were versions of Optimus Prime and Megatron with intricately detailed battle damage, wouldn't word have spread to kids across the country side, and eventually fetched a king's ransom on eBay? What I found inside that plain box was a very ordinary Megatron. The only thing that marked him as a "movie version" was a little certificate and a very large sticker that I wound up putting on the inside of his leg. Sure I was disappointed at first, but a new toy was a new toy. Soon Megtron was leading his outnumbered Decepticons to victory. I don't remember how the storyline of owning both Megatron and Galvatron played out though.

Twenty years later I can see Hasbro's motivation behind all of this. Kids wouldn't want to buy the toy of a dead leader when Galvatron and Rodimus Prime are on the shelves. The only way to empty the warehouses of old stock was to offer the corpses as special versions. I'm not sure how many other kids fell for their trap. It couldn't be many, since my meager internet search didn't turn up even a scrap. Now, thanks to my pack rat ways and my massive stash of toys in my parent's attic, the story can be told.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : toys

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. That is to say he is a bear. You see Fuzzy Wuzzy isn't dead nor has his condition, which we will discuss in a moment, changed the core of his being. If you put a suit and tie on a duck and send him to Wall Street, he's still a duck. I would expect an unexpected rise in cracker stock though. So too is Fuzzy still a bear. He spends his days enjoying bear activities such as eating honey, long winter naps, and mauling tourists for their picnic baskets.

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. No one is quite sure about the cause of this problem and, being a bear, Fuzzy isn't much on small talk. Is it some strange skin condition? Obsessive-compulsive shaving taken to the extreme? No one knows, except for Fuzzy's barber and he ain't talking. At least he wasn't talking until I slid a little money his way. According to him, Fuzzy comes in at least once a week and asks for a little off the top. The barber, unsure of where the top ends and the bottom begins, just shaves it all off. So far Fuzzy has never complained.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he? This is a lie. Depending on the growth rate of bear hair and his frequency of barber visits there is a good chance that Fuzzy would be come just that. Of course he'd probably also become itchy. Maybe Itchy Ritchie would be a better name.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Hershey, Pennsylvania calls itself the sweetest place on Earth. Don't take the name too literally. A mouthful of Hershey dirt will still pretty much taste like dirt. Although the streetlights are giant Hershey kisses and if you're lucky you may catch the scent of chocolate in the air, probably because there is a giant chocolate factory in the middle of downtown, which is the source of the smell not the streetlights. If you haven't guessed by now the name isn't just coincidental, this town is the birthplace of Hershey chocolate. It's also home to an amusement park called Rutger's Fantastilogical World Of Wonderfillicity And Adventurtainment. Ok, it's really just called Hersheypark.

In its beginnings Hersheypark was just that, a park. There was even a space in its name. Hershey park. See. It was built by Hershey's founder Milton, as place for his employees to relax and have fun. Eventually ol' Milt realized park benches aren't the best rides and built a few, with the first two being a merry-go-round and a carrousel. I know what you're thinking. "Aren't those the same ride?" Look, I'm just reading from the history books, ok? Anyway, those rides then multiplied into what the park is today. Amusement park rides are like bunnies that way. Instead of going into more detail about the park itself, since that isn't what I meant to talk about today, I'm going to focus on something else. Just outside of the park entrance is a building which is often overlooked by the people in a hurry to be strapped to a steal beast and flung into the air. Inside is a magical land where chocolate dreams come true. It's also free.

No trip to Hersheypark is complete without a stop at Chocolate World. It's part information center, part shopping center, part entertainment center. That's a lot of parts and centers. A lot has been added to Chocolate World over the years. There is a food court that manages to serve things other than chocolate and a gift shop area that does sell chocolate along with t-shirts and stuffed renditions of Hershey products come to life. Even more recent additions include a 3-D movie and something called Factory Works, which appears to be an interactive walkthrough factory something-or-other. But the most important thing in Chocolate World is the thing that has been there the longest. Now that the building is so full of other attractions it's been given its own name. To many Chocolate World is synonymous with what is now known as the Chocolate Tour Ride.

A long time ago actual tours were held in the Hershey factory but too many people were drowning in the chocolate river. Wait. That may have been at some other chocolate factory. Anyway, the tours in the factory stopped. If you want to tour a Hershey plant you'll have to go to Canada. Having been there through I can tell you is it overrated, both the tour and Canada. Back in the USA you'll have to settle for the simulated version of the factory found in the tour ride. I won't lie. Apart from the first time you ride it, this ride is boring. Even the first time it only keeps your attention since you're anticipating the exciting part which sadly never comes. That isn't to say that the ride can't be fun, but it will require some work on your part. Here are some tips:

First up is the queue. This is one part that has actually changed over the years. It's now been given a jungle theme. Make sure you keep making comments about the monkeys. "Do you see the monkeys?" or "Any minute the monkeys are going to come out!" are good choices. There aren't any monkeys, but you can be entertained as the confusion ripples through the line.

Once you've navigated the deadly moving floor and made it to your vehicle the journey begins. It starts off talking about the two ingredients of milk chocolate. Can you believe they're milk and chocolate? Who knew? The cocoa bean segment is not too impressive but pay close attention to the milk section. It's home to the only animatronic thing on the ride, a cow. Unfortunately it's a mute cow, so if you want to hear any mooing you'll have to do it yourself.

After the silent cow comes the best part of the ride. You get to travel through a giant roaster just like the cocoa beans. While it's only slightly warmer inside the roaster it's your job to make the car behind you think something horrible is up ahead. Tortured screams and shouts of "We're roasting!" seem to do the trick.

Now it's time to journey inside the faux factory, which is home to the next game. Who can smell the chocolate first. The winner gets bragging right for having the best olfactory senses.

You'll also find another new addition to this section. Hershey Kiss guys. They're sort of like Fry Guys but without all that hair. Whenever you see one it's your job to point it out. "Hey look, it's a Hershey Kiss guy!" It's a tough job but stick with it.

As you travel through the faketory you'll see lots of different machines that are used in the actual Hershey plant. Some of them will even look like they're really mixing up chocolate. It's your job to wonder aloud. "Do you think that's real chocolate?" I don't have the answer. If it is real chocolate I hope they change it out otherwise that is some really old chocolate.

As the tour comes to an end, you'll be bombarded by all the different candy products Hershey makes along with a really annoying song. It's really catchy though so make sure to hum it all day so it sticks in everyone's head.

Finally there is the exit, which is a long spiraling ramp that drops you into a conveniently placed gift shop. But half way down that spiral is the real treasure of chocolate world, better than the animatronic cow and even better than the roaster. It's free candy. Most of the time it's just a small Hershey bar, but being free makes it even sweeter.

So there you have it. About five hundred words too many about a place few probably care about. Sure it's boring but something keeps drawing me back there. It seems no trip to Hersheypark is complete without a stop at Chocolate World. As a kid I remember having to wait in long lines for the tram ride but now is usually pretty sparse. Oh well, that just means more free chocolate for me.

Update:
I have some sad news. Since this was written the Chocolate World's Chocolate Tour Ride has been refurbished. When I first heard the news I though it was a joke considering the grand reopening was scheduled for April 1st, but it was unfortunately true. After months of putting it off I finally went to see how drastic the changes were. When the ride was over I was left wondering what the supposed 1 million dollar budget was spent on.

That isn't to say there aren't any changes, but the factory portion is exactly the same apart from the removal of the Hershey Kiss Guys. The majority of the changes occur at the beginning and the end of the ride.

The end of the ride is still a big ad for Hershey products only now there are high tech video screens instead of the old still photos and a new even catchier song. The video screens flash the names of different cities so feel free to claim "Hey, I'm from " as they come up.

The biggest change comes at the start of the ride. The old farm scene has been replaced by three animatronic singing cows. While I'm sure this helps add some excitement to an otherwise boring ride, I miss the old quiet cow. The new cows make a few more appearances throughout the ride so feel free to heckle them whenever they appear. For me.

Finally if you want to get an idea of what the ride is like you can check out the official website. It has a flash slideshow that shows some of the ride, the new singing cows, the roaster, parts of the factory section and the big finale, but most importantly it plays the ride theme song. I'm not to be held responsible if it drives you crazy.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : places

Without a doubt Mario has jumped his way to being the top hero of the video game world, but the climb wasn't easy, even for one with fiery flowers and magical capes at his disposal. After some extensive research, I've gathered the truth behind Mario's rise to fame, which is presented here for the first time. Interviews with friends and family will portray the struggles that our hero has faced.

What better place to begin than the beginning. Born on a cold and stormy night, it seemed fate knew what was in store for this new baby. Doctor Malamar remembers the delivery well.

"I've delivered lots of babies, but none stand out more than Mario. I've seen my share of babies born with a full head of hair, but he came out with a full-grown mustache. None of the other doctors or nurses has seen anything like it. I knew right then this kid was going to have a hard time through life, which was only reinforced when his parents named him. I presented the baby to the parents and asked if they had a name yet. Their response was 'Mario', so I felt I needed to clarify myself. 'I know he'll have your last name. I was asking about his first name,' I told them. 'Mario is his first name,' came their reply. I really took pity on that poor baby then. What kind of sick twisted sense of humor leads to someone naming their child Mario Mario?"

What king of monster indeed. Mario M. Mario, yes, even his middle name was Mario, grew up to be the prime target of schoolyard bullies. Even though they made his childhood a living nightmare, it was here that he learned the skills that eventually brought him fame and fortune. Whether it was dodging rocks aimed for his skull or jumping from tree to tree, Mario pushed himself to the limit to escape his tormentors. When escape wasn't an option, he often used bribery, giving the bullies the change he had found in exchange for his freedom.

After years of punishment Mario could finally take no more. He decided to drop out of school and hope the real world would treat him better. Without an education, Mario was forced to take whatever he could find and eventually ended up working on a construction crew. His foreman, George, remembers his fantastic abilities and the incident that lead to his dismissal.

"I wish all my workers could be like Mario. That guy knew how to walk the steel. He was all jumpin' and climbing and dodging. It was amazing. But then the incident happened. I came in early to find the whole site practically demolished and there was Mario with some floozy in a torn dress. It seems Mario brought his new girlfriend to the job site for some late night skyscraper action if you know what I mean. From what I understand some giant ape escaped from the zoo and happened upon the lovers. Instead of alerting the authorities Mario decided to take matters into his own hands. Sure he got the job done, but months of work were destroyed. Not to mention the giant smelly ape corpse I had to deal with. I had no choice but to give Mario the boot."

Jobless, Mario soon found himself spiraling into the depths of depression. He blamed the ape for his problems and grew paranoid that there were other apes out there waiting to further ruin his miserable life. With the last of his money Mario outfitted himself for a jungle expedition to hunt down as many apes as possible. Armed with giant cages and wind-up traps, he found it wasn't going to be as easy as he thought. Mario didn't account for the strong sense of community in the ape kingdom. For each ape he captured there was always a younger ape that was willing to risk his life for a daring rescue.

Out of food, out of traps and out of patience Mario returned to the city. With nowhere to turn Mario sought help from his only brother, Luigi. Having started his own successful plumbing company, Mario was hoping with his previous construction skills he could give his brother a hand. Luigi looks back to those days with regret.

"At first I was happy to help my brother out of a jam. I know things haven't been easy for him, so I figured I'd give him a try and in the beginning it was great. The mistake was changing the company name to Mario Bros. Plumbing. I was hoping to cash in on people that love to support family run businesses, but people started thinking my brother ran the company and that it was named after him. It bad enough my name is Luigi Mario, but now people are beginning to think Mario is the head of my own company."

"But I tried to put it all aside since we managed to get a big contract from the city. They needed a crew to go into the sewers and handle any issues with the pipes. I figured it would be simple stuff, a clog here, a leak there. Instead I find out the city has a massive animal control problem in the sewers. There was all kinds of crazy stuff down there. Turtles, crabs, and giant insects were all over the place. Not to mention the combustible gasses that would occasionally flare up. It was crazy but we kept at it."

Then one day more than animals came out of the pipes. Mario started to hear voices. Voices that were crying out for a savior. The brothers argued for some time about whether or not to investigate. Luigi was all too familiar with things that lurked in pipes, especially in the sewer, but Mario stubbornly held out until the only thing the other brother could do was follow along.

The brothers emerged from the pipe to find themselves in a strange new world. A world that would not only test all the skills Mario had learned so far, but also bring him fame and fortune. Fighting his way through horde of creature the likes of which he had never seen before, Mario headed for the castle he could see on the horizon. Though bottomless pits, underground caverns, giant mushrooms and even lava pools stood in his way, Mario came face to face with the castle's dread master. A terrible foe with the hard shell of a turtle with a dragon's ability to shoot fire, but it was no match for Mario's prowess. Deep within the castle Mario found the source of the voices he had been hearing. Toad, the mushroom retainer, remembers the rescue well.

"I sure was glad to be out of that sack. I smelled like old potatoes for a week. Anyway, I remember Mario getting all upset because while I told him the princess was in another castle I said I wasn't sure which one. In reality I knew which castle it was but I wanted to make sure he helped the other retainers first. I mean what's the big idea stuffing us in a sack."

Six other retainers later Mario stormed Bowser's castle where he believed the princess was being held prisoner. Everyone knows the final outcome, but after years of silence Bowser tells his side of the tale.

"Your wedding day is supposedly the happiest day of your life. At least it is if you don't have an arranged marriage. I didn't want to marry some pink squishy thing anyway, but my parents kept going on and on about the joining of the Koopa Kingdom and the Mushroom Kingdom and blah, blah, blah. Then those stupid little retainers started causing a ruckus. I guess they had a little too much to drink before they showed up, so we stuffed them into sacks and shipped them out of there so the wedding could get started. The next thing I knew there is this guy with a funny mustache challenging me to a fight. Let me tell you I can still remember the stench of that guy. It was like he just crawled out of the sewer or something. Anyway, I would have won if he hadn't flipped the switch to the drawbridge and run off like a coward. He can have the princess for all I care, but no one drops Bower into a pool of lava. We've had our little feud ever since."

Now the self-proclaimed protector of Mushroom Kingdom, Mario found the fame and respect he couldn't get in the real world, but now you know the difficult road that lead to it, which some might consider the rest of the story.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : video games

I have a confession. I like commercials. Not because I'm a good consumer, but because I like to be entertained. A lot of advertisers have given up on actually trying to sell their product with good reason. Most people don't rush out to the store after watching a commercial. The only ad in recent memory that affected my buying habits was for Quizno's and it wasn't because they showed tasty subs. It was because my television was possessed by creatures of inexplicable origin. That's the point of commercials today. Thirty seconds with which to fill the viewer with such confusion that they stumble off in a daze and hopefully buy the product in question.

Nothing exemplifies this process more than the following. I'm sure you probably remember it. A man and a woman are in an elevator and as they sneak peaks at each other their eyes meet. Music swells and we're given a glimpse of their possible courtship, wedding, honeymoon, and first child. The elevator doors open and they go their separate ways. It should be obvious by now that the ad is for pants, but the part that stuck with me was the music. My brain ends up being a vast repository of catchy ad tunes that tend to haunt my days until a new one settles in and this song was no exception. Unfortunately I live under a rock which happens to be located in a cave so I didn't know the song was I Think I Love You, and eventually like the commercial it just faded from memory.

Then one day the song reappeared on my radio. Only this time it was not so subtly different. The horns, the singer, and the fact that it was three time faster than the original could only mean one band was behind what I was hearing: Less Than Jake. Not to take away from their excellent original material, but to me they are the reigning cover champions. I doubt there is a song in existence that they couldn't make at least tolerable if not even enjoyable. But I can't help but wonder if there would be any competition for my imposed title. Let's take a look. Here is a list, in no particular order, of covers by other bands that may or may not have what it takes to dethrone the champs.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Sweet Emotion
To me this exemplifies what a makes a good cover. Lure the listener in with an opening similar to the original before unleashing the mutant beast your cover has become on their eardrums. Although it seems radically different at first the original starts to show through on subsequent listenings. It's still pure Bosstones though.

Dooms UK - Paranoid
Thanks to thousands of hours spent playing Rock 'N Roll Racing on the SNES two things are forever burned into my brain: the opening guitar from Paranoid and the phrase "Olaf unleashes hot fury!" The fact that this cover has no mention of Olaf is a huge disappointment, but that the opening is dutifully recreated almost makes up for it. Then the accordions start. No, I'm serious. Paranoid. Polka. They both start with the letter P so it's easy to see why they were a natural combination.

Rancid - Bob
When I saw a CD that had a bunch of tracks from Rancid and NOFX I thought why do I need this when I already have most of these songs. When I found out it was a CD of them covering each others songs, I knew I had to have it. I still haven't gotten around to buying it, but two of the tracks managed to make it on a compilation. While I like NOFX more, Rancid pulled off the better cover. Maybe it's just better since it's a NOFX song.

So, do any of these other bands have what it takes to take home the title of cover champions? Would any group really want that title? Probably not. Had any other band done covers of both the theme song for Gilligan's Island and The Dukes of Hazard I'd have to give it to them, but Less than Jake is the only one to fill that criteria. Their reign continues.

Update:
Having written this long before YouTube exploded in popularity I was disappointed that I couldn't find the commercials I was talking about so I could provide a link or at least some screen captures. Now it seems that there isn't much left that can't be found on the Internet. Here they are:

Quizno's "We Love The Subs" Commercial

Quizno's "Coupon" Commercial

Levi's "Elevator Fantasy" Commercial

Links to the covers are a bit trickier since the best I can find are just 30 second clips. It's hard to judge something in 30 seconds, but at least it gives you an idea.

Less Than Jake's "I Think I Love You" Cover

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Sweet Emotion" Cover

Rancid's "Bob" Cover

Also, I've discovered how wrong I was to believe Less Than Jake were the kings of covers. The true title belongs to the Me First & The Gimme Gimmes. If you can withstand 30 seconds of these and not enjoy yourself then, uh, I guess we have different tastes in music.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, music

One post a month does not a successful website make. I'm here to correct that. Kind of. I'll let you in on a secret. This isn't my first attempt at a website. Some lasted longer than others but so far none of them have survived. That doesn't bode well for this place does it?

Don't worry. I have a plan. I am declaring November to be "It's New To You" month. All month long I'll be digging through the broken remains of sites long past to find posts that deserve a second chance. Considering they were only read by one or two people the first time around you'll never know the difference. I may even throw a few actual new posts into the mix. Of course if you've never read anything the first time you won't realize they're new.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements