The easiest posts to write are the ones about food because everyone can relate. Everyone eats. Everyone also poops but I'm not sure I'd want that kind of attention if I started writing about it. So let’s get back to food. I feel it's my duty to spread the word about a recent revelation.

Those tiny tree dwelling elves over at Keebler are at it again. This time they've managed to somehow merge pretzels and crackers into an unholy union they're calling Flipsides. You may have seen the commercial where their roving camera crew interviews "real people" on what they think about Flipsides. I could tell they were actors because not one of them said what I was thinking. What would make someone combine a pretzel and a cracker? Being the consumer driven drone that I am I went out and bought a box to find out.

I have to give them credit. They somehow managed to capture the two different flavors in one entity. Most people would let it drop and be satisfied that they found a new and interesting snack but thanks to Food Network's Unwrapped I needed to know how they were made. There's not a seam in the middle so I ruled out that the pretzel and cracker are created separately and later joined. As I pondered how two sides of the same whole could be cooked so differently the truth came to me.

Flipsides aren't an innovative new snack. They are an attempt to cash in on a costly mistake. Imagine, if you will, a machine built to cook crackers. One day the machine breaks down without anyone noticing and produces a batch of crackers that are slightly burnt but only on one side.

When broken in two you can see the inside of a Flipside cracker is the same all the way through. There is probably a bit more done to make it more pretzel like but for the most part you are eating a half burnt cracker. This is the point where I'd say now you know the rest of the story but I'll probably have my hands full with the Keebler legal team without having to look over my shoulder for Paul Harvey's goons.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

I never really thought about how violent the mascots for kid's drinks were. Kool-Aid Man's extensive property damage is nothing compared to the antics of the star of today's article. Punchy's sole purpose in life was to shill Hawaiian Punch. He'd approach people with a tall glass of the refreshing beverage in hand and ask "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" It seems innocent enough since after all he does have a glass of the punch in question. The victim invariably agrees. Instead of quenching their thirst Punchy cracks them in the skull. It's not clear that Punchy is of Hawaiian descent so I'm not too sure about the Hawaiian component of his punch. Maybe Hawaiians have a special technique they use when punching people that Punchy has learned to master. In any case Punchy is the anti-Trix Rabbit of the mascot world.

I can't lie. I was never a big fan of Hawaiian Punch but not because I was afraid that people would hit me when I asked for it. My biggest concern was the name. Fruit Juicy Red. Red is not a flavor. On top of that an examination of the ingredients reveals that none of the juicy red fruits included in that variety of Hawaiian Punch were neither red nor produced red juice. Why am I writing about an abusive mascot and drink I didn't like? Because together they produced one of the best games of my childhood.

It doesn't seem like a game designed to advertise something would be any fun, but Hawaiian Punch The Game is an exception. Honestly I can't be sure that's true since the only other product sponsored board game I know of is the K-Mart Blue Light Special game and I've never played it. Maybe it's fun too. I can bet it doesn't have Play-Doh though.

Actually it wasn't really Play-Doh but a harder-clay like substance. At the start of the game players shaped their wad into a pineapple token using the mold designed to look like a can of Hawaiian Punch. Not a soda can but one of those two quart metal cans that you had to poke a hole in to pour the juice out. Do they even make containers like that anymore? Anyway, in addition to the squishy pineapple each player also received a matching colored plastic Punchy figure. This is important.

Gameplay was your standard kid's game of spinning, moving, and following any directions on the space. What sets it apart is what happens on those unlabeled squares. Each space corresponds to one of the player's colors. Land on someone else's color and they get to powerfully pound your poor pineapple with their plastic Punchy. Hooray for alliteration. When you only play with two people it isn't bad since the unused colors become safe havens, but with four people playing everyone winds up moving flat shapeless blobs around the board.

Apart from the spaces that direct you forward or back two squares, there are two other types of instructional spaces. The first is remold and just like it sounds allows you reshape your flat piece of clay back into its pineapple shape. The other is size check and its true purpose, like my instructions booklet, is lost. I do remember that there is a penalty if you land on a size check space and your piece extends beyond the size of the square. I don't remember if it's simply moving back so many spaces or the dreaded return to start.

Overall Hawaiian Punch is a fun game. I liked it as a kid and it stood the test of time when we dusted it off during a recent holiday gathering, which is more than I can say about the Tetris board game. If you wind up playing with a group of adults I'd suggest implementing a rule that Punchy can't be over two inches above the target before the player starts smashing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, toys

It's time to look at another commercial from my list of favorites. This one comes to us from Wendy's and made its mark in 1984. It spawned a popular catch phrase that is still going strong. I managed to track down a copy of the original so you can see it for yourself.

The commercial was an instant classic and is number five on USAToday.com's list of Top 10 Commercials Of All Time. Three elderly women spend the spot messing around with a tiny hamburger patty on a large bun. While the two on the left continually comment about the bun, the third woman, 81-year-old Clara Peller, wants to know where the beef is. Yes, Clara is the "Where's the beef?" lady.

There were a fewother commercials made staring the trio, but none of the other ladies found as much fame as Clara. I challenge you to even find their names. "Where's the beef?" took the nation by storm. It even had it's own song by Coyote McCloud. Her fame also ended up being her undoing. In a commercial for Prego spaghetti sauce Clara exclaimed, "I found it." This phrase didn't catch on, apart from people who had just found something they lost, and her original employer didn't appreciate that Clara would find meat anywhere else besides between Wendy's buns. With that, Mrs. Peller disappeared from the airwaves and the public's consciousness.

A quick search of the internet will turn up quite a bit about the "Where's the beef?" ads and Clara Peller. One thing I remember reading about when the commercial first aired was that Clara was almost completely deaf and a bit senile. During the filming of the spots there was always someone crouched down next to her that would tap her leg when it was time to deliver her lines. And I thought my job was bad.

I'd like to end today with this thought. What is that big gray thing behind the women? Are they booths or is it a board for a giant game of tic tac toe?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

Over a year ago Taco Bell did something to forever alter its fast food landscape. No, not the almost complete extinction of the Chili Cheese Burrito, I'm talking about the inspiring words now found on their sauce packets. Words the suits at Taco Bell headquarters like to call "Sauce Wisdom" even though I've yet to have them impart any real wisdom.

Here is the batch I got during the last run to the border. I've seen them countless times before, but for some reason this time I started to wonder who comes up with these insane ramblings. A quick search brought me the answer. You do. Not you personally, but you meaning society at large.

Last May Taco Bell held a contest for customers to submit their own pieces of sauce wisdom to grace the next batch of packets. Lured by the offer of a free year of food, thousands of people offered up their creative sayings. In the end only twelve were deemed sauce worthy. Let's take a look at what people, who by now are vowing to never eat at Taco Bell again, came up with.

Bike tires scare me – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one really makes me think. Is it a personal confession of a madman or a look at the inner thoughts of sauce come to life? Either way I can't see what would make bike tires so frightening.

Hello – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.) and A. Franklin (Lakeland, Fla.)
Two people were able to come up with this bit of wisdom. I'd say it could be made even better by adding a question mark. Hello?

I M A HOT T R U 2? – M. Carson (East Wenatchee, Wash.)
I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that the M stands for Missy. Letters and numbers aren't words. They are used to build words. Just like vegetables aren't food, they're what food eats.

I’m in good hands now – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one makes no sense. What kind of good hands would rip you open and squirt your innards on their lunch?

It’s okay, you can say it. I love you too. – D. Kortenhoeven (Colorado Springs, Colo.)
I'm not sure what D. Kortenhoeven does with his sauce packets, but I don't think I want to know about it. Kortenhoeven: the funny name that's fun to say. Kortenhoeven.

Mmmmmmm... Sauce – T. Stuckey (Smyrna, Ga.) and C. Underhill (White House, Tenn.)
Only two people thought this one up and they were probably writers for the Simpsons using assumed names. You're not fooling anyone Mr. Underhill. Not only did you steal a fake name from a famous book, everyone knows the White House is in Washington D.C., not Tennessee.

My sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School – C. Kemmerer (Cocoa Beach, Fla.)
Ha, it's funny because it's like those bumper stickers. Your precious sauce is in my stomach now. How do you like that?

Not to be used as a flotation device – T. Coleman (Indianapolis, Ind.)
My goal is to gather enough packets with this saying to build a raft and sail to T. Coleman's house, which is hopefully located on the only river I could find running through Indianapolis, the White River.

Pick me! Pick me! – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.), C. Gierhart (Clyde, Ohio), D. Gray (Louisville, Ky.), J. Scoyni (Bakersfield, Calif.) and A. Teraberry (Scottsdale, Ariz.)
I'm not sure if that was their saying or if they just wanted free food, but it worked for five pople.

When I grow up I want to be a waterbed – J. Rydman (Alameda, Calif.)
This entry wins the non sequitur award. Even the bike tire comment makes a little bit of sense. Unless J. Rydman is implying that Taco Bell's sauce is watery and bland. They probably work for Del Taco.

Where are you taking me? – K. Moody (Arlington, Tenn.)
Paranoia in food products is something we don't see enough of. I can see it now. Popsicles that reveal "What have you done?" printed on the stick. Potato chips that have little unhappy faces printed on them.

You had me at taco. – L. Hunt (West Monroe, La.)
Another gem. A butchered version of a lame quote from an eight year old movie. I wonder if the contest was flooded with so many bad movie quotes like this that the judges just gave up and picked one at random. I find it hard to believe they wouldn't have picked "Throw me the taco, I throw you the sauce." or "May the sauce be with you." if they were an option.

There you have the twelve winners of the "Share Your Sauce Wisdom" contest. Strangely I never heard about this contest while it was running. Either it wasn't heavily promoted or I don't pay enough attention. Maybe they'll try it again this year. I'm tired of reading the same phrases and they've proved that they're too lazy to think up their own.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

The grocery store cereal aisle is a continuously altering landscape. Boxes adorned with popular icons will eventually disappear to be replaced by the next rising star of children's entertainment. So, if you think you might crave Shrek cereal twenty years from now you better stock up. Even the veterans feel the effects of change, whether it's something as simple as a change in the toy prize you find covered in sugar dust at the bottom of the box, or a massive overhaul to the crunchy bits themselves. I'll miss you old Trix, even if you did look like rainbow colored rabbit turds.

While my main breakfast staple continues to be cereal, I try to avoid the aisle fads, most of which don't even get a spot on the shelves. They're just stacked up in lonely piles at the end of the aisles. Even if they are tasty I don't want to get my hopes up over something that probably won't be there the next time I shop. Plus it looks a bit odd to be buying Yu-Gi-Oh's with no kids in sight. Although my adult mind has been able to evade an dependence to something that will eventually let me down, I wasn't as smart when I was a kid. There are a few cereals that even now I crave.

First on the list is Smurfberry Crunch, an offering from those tiny, mushroom dwelling, blue folk. Sadly, other than my devotion to it I can remember very little about it. The most prominent thing being that it managed to make the list of cereals for whatever reason I was not allowed to have. Along with Fruity Pebbles, this was a treat only available at my grandparents' house. I can't even remember what it tasted like. My brain insists that it tasted similar to crunchberries, but after almost thirty years together I know better than to trust it. However it tastes I'm sure it wouldn't live up to twenty years of expectations. It is interesting to note how the whole vibe of the cereal would have been different had Gargamel been on the cover instead of Papa Smurf.

Next up is an item from the Krispies boom of the 80's. It seems Kellogg decided to boost their lineup of Rice and Cocoa Krispies, by adding newcomers Frosted and Marshmallow. Frosted Krispies seemed to be a bit of overkill since any self respecting kid already dumped enough sugar on Rice Krispies to create a veritable snowfield. Marshmallow Krispies on the other hand were a stroke of genius. On the outside, they appeared to be nothing special, just ordinary Rice Krispies with some plain looking marshmallows. Joined together these two forces ruled my breakfast empire. It was a sad day when it finally vanished from the shelves.

I can understand why Smurfberry Crunch went missing, since it was directly tied to a cartoon, but what went wrong with Marshmallow Krispies? With all the rice based cereals out there, why aren't there any that have the delicious marbits that I crave? I blame the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles foray into the breakfast aisle. TMNT cereal is best described as Rice Chex with marshmallows. Unfortunately in Ralston's quest to make the cereal more kid friendly they covered the chex pieces with a sugary shellac. That may seem like a good thing, but instead of adding a boost of sweetness, this glossy coating made the cereal impervious to milk. The end result was a cereal so sharp and crunchy it made Cap'n Crunch seem like melted butter. Rice and marshmallows never saw each other again.

Lastly we have that which I crave the most, Magic Middles. I know what you're thinking. Indeed Magic Middles were not cereal. They were fudge filled cookies of both the chocolate chip and shortbread variety. More importantly the shortbread version also came in a mini size. I'm not sure what inspired me but one day I put about a dozen of the miniature cookies in a bowl and covered them in milk. Not surprisingly their dense fudge center kept them from floating. There submerged beneath the milk the cookies were transformed into something words cannot even begin to describe, but it was the most incredible thing I have ever had for breakfast. I've held out hope for years that Magic Middles would resurface, but it doesn't look too promising since Keebler has started to reuse the name for cookies that don't even come close to the originals.

There are many more cereals that have come and gone that held a place at my breakfast table but these are the three that continue to haunt me. Were they really as good as I remember? Who knows? There will never be another chance to find out, unless of course practical time travel becomes a reality in my lifetime. I don't have my hopes up though.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

Remember those old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials. They'd show one guy walking down the street eating a big chocolate bar. Then they'd show a different guy with an open jar of peanut butter, though why was never explained. Then they'd both crash into each other and complain they got their snacks genetically intertwined. It's obvious that the "you've got your peanut butter in my chocolate" guy came out ahead. The proof is in the fact that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are in the candy hall of fame. But what happened with the "you've got your chocolate in my peanut butter" guy?

I know what you're thinking. Didn't both of those guys end up with the same tasty treat? The answer is no. Before you flood my inbox with your poorly worded proof on why peanut butter + chocolate = chocolate + peanut butter, allow me to explain. You may have noticed a bag of the latest offering from old man Reese hanging out with the rest of the Halloween candy. If you haven't they're called Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Inside Out. The name seems self explanatory but just in case you need some clarification they look like normal cups except the peanut butter and chocolate have switched places.

It sounds like a good idea. After all they're still the same great two tastes that in theory should taste great together no matter what the order. Unfortunately the only thing these inside out imposters prove is that order matters. It's not that they taste horrible. On their own they would be a decent candy choice but the fact remains that the standard cup exists as a point of reference. One would expect these gimmick cups would taste the same or at least similar. They do not.

Now you know the truth. The "peanut butter in my chocolate" guy got to enjoy the spoils of the accident while the "chocolate in my peanut butter" guy went home to cry himself to sleep. As for me, it looks like I'll be handing out these abominations to treat-or-treaters and hope my house doesn't get egged. It beats having to eat a whole bag of the things.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

Zoos are interesting places. They provide an opportunity to learn about animals you don't see in your everyday life, unless you happen to live on the African savannah or you work as a zookeeper. But I doubt zookeepers spend their day off at work and I haven't heard good things about the availability of the internet in the savannah, so I'll continue to assume you don't spend you day hanging out with marsupials.

There's one thing zoos have more of than animals and that’s plaques. I'll skip the flossing joke and just tell you to ignore these things. They may seem like a great source of information about the animal that is balled up at the back of the cage sleeping, but what if something exciting happens while you're reading about how the animal spends most of its time sleeping curled into a ball. It might shift in its sleep and you'd miss out.

Instead of spending your day at the zoo reading, use your eyes for watching. You can learn all you need to about the animals by just listening to the people around you. Some might consider this eavesdropping and a bit rude, but no one will know unless you point and laugh at them.

Here are a few animals I learned about during a recent trip to the zoo.

African Penguins. They're not just for Antarctica anymore apparently. Also some of them were retarded because they spent their time staring at rocks instead of swimming around like their friends.

A Warthog Named Pumba. Or maybe it was his brother or cousin. I'm not really sure. I left before the argument was finished.

A Really Large Dog. I am so glad I was set straight on this animal. For years I've been calling them cows. Boy, do I feel foolish.

Unicorn. No, I won't tell you which zoo I was at. I don't want it overcrowded with people gawking at the unicorn. Its secret is safe with me and that little girl that kept yelling about it.

I also learned how to tell the difference between a male and female chimpanzee. That should come in handy at the next Chimp Social. I can't believe I danced with that guy for hours last time and no one told me.

Finally and probably most importantly I learned that Dippin Dots are kosher. It doesn't really help me any but maybe some of you out there might have been wondering.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

3 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, places

I'm going to talk about burgers. They've been on my mind a lot lately thanks to an onslaught of commercials from a fast food burger chain whose mascot has caused thousands of people to sleep with weapons under their pillow just in case they "wake up with the king."

You've probably seen them, ads featuring burgers consisting entirely of meat and cheese. And then you start wondering did I just see Tattoo? And then the next time you see the commercial it ends differently, so you can't be sure. But then you see the commercial where you though you saw Tattoo, but he isn't there. Then you begin to question your sanity until finally you see the commercial one more time and there he is, Tattoo. But isn't he dead? Yes. Yes, he is. Apparently this burger is so amazing it even gives life to the dead. With a message like that I had to have one.

After having one I wondered why Zombie Villechaize would allow himself to be involved in such a project. When a burger is only comprised of two things those two things better be good. The cheese was good, but honestly is there such a thing as bad cheese apart from a slice that falls into the little crack between the counter and refrigerator when no one notices and starts to fester after a week. The meat didn't live up to expectations and considering it comprised more than 50% of the burger I wound up a bit disappointed.

But lets get back to the mystery of why a dead man is appearing in commercials. Is it a Hervé Villechaize look-a-like or was Tattoo digitally ripped from his island paradise to help shill burgers? Check out this video around the three minute mark to help you make up your mind. I also found an article claiming he's a digital reproduction, and newspapers never lie, right? So there you have it, if you're famous and dead you never know what you may end up endorsing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

It's amazing the kind of stuff that get saved over the years. I recently came across a McDonald's gift certificate. That might not seem too odd, but take a close look at the expiration date. December 31, 1977. Even stranger is where I found it, in an envelope filled with my old savings bonds. I guess someone though it might increase in value over the years. That someone was probably me.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, oddities

The human brain is an amazing tool. It's capable of solving the most complex problems or creating beautiful works of art or any other number of wondrous feats. I use mine to catalog old commercials. Truthfully I was unaware of this special ability until recently when a toy dinosaur managed to unleash a flood of Little Caesars, a now (mostly) defunct pizza chain, commercials from my mind's dark depths.

Like Wendy's "Where's The Beef?" commercials from a few years earlier, Little Caesars ran a bunch of spots that instead of focusing on promoting their own product made fun of the competition. The ads usually featured a bland looking pizza store who's deals didn't match up to the two for one deal the little guy in the toga was always chanting about ("pizza, pizza"). One of the ads in particular stands out.

A customer comes in and asks the person behind the counter if he can get two pizzas for the price of one. The clerk responds that he can get a pizza and a box. The confused customer asks what he's supposed to do with a box. The clerk asks if he's ever heard of origami. There's another shot of the even more confused customer while the sounds of a box being folded are heard. We cut back to the clerk who is now holding some sort of cardboard bird. "What's that," the customer asks. "It's a pterodactyl," is the cheerful response. The part that makes the spot so great are the sounds the clerk makes when he's playing with the dinosaur while the customer makes his escape. Rawh, rawh.

There were quite a few spots staring the drab pizza place, but that one is probably my favorite. This is the point where I'd direct you to someplace where you could download the ad for yourself. Unfortunately even with the power of the internet at my disposal I still haven't uncovered it. Until then I'll just have to depend on the catalog in my head.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

3 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food