I never really thought about how violent the mascots for kid's drinks were. Kool-Aid Man's extensive property damage is nothing compared to the antics of the star of today's article. Punchy's sole purpose in life was to shill Hawaiian Punch. He'd approach people with a tall glass of the refreshing beverage in hand and ask "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" It seems innocent enough since after all he does have a glass of the punch in question. The victim invariably agrees. Instead of quenching their thirst Punchy cracks them in the skull. It's not clear that Punchy is of Hawaiian descent so I'm not too sure about the Hawaiian component of his punch. Maybe Hawaiians have a special technique they use when punching people that Punchy has learned to master. In any case Punchy is the anti-Trix Rabbit of the mascot world.

I can't lie. I was never a big fan of Hawaiian Punch but not because I was afraid that people would hit me when I asked for it. My biggest concern was the name. Fruit Juicy Red. Red is not a flavor. On top of that an examination of the ingredients reveals that none of the juicy red fruits included in that variety of Hawaiian Punch were neither red nor produced red juice. Why am I writing about an abusive mascot and drink I didn't like? Because together they produced one of the best games of my childhood.

It doesn't seem like a game designed to advertise something would be any fun, but Hawaiian Punch The Game is an exception. Honestly I can't be sure that's true since the only other product sponsored board game I know of is the K-Mart Blue Light Special game and I've never played it. Maybe it's fun too. I can bet it doesn't have Play-Doh though.

Actually it wasn't really Play-Doh but a harder-clay like substance. At the start of the game players shaped their wad into a pineapple token using the mold designed to look like a can of Hawaiian Punch. Not a soda can but one of those two quart metal cans that you had to poke a hole in to pour the juice out. Do they even make containers like that anymore? Anyway, in addition to the squishy pineapple each player also received a matching colored plastic Punchy figure. This is important.

Gameplay was your standard kid's game of spinning, moving, and following any directions on the space. What sets it apart is what happens on those unlabeled squares. Each space corresponds to one of the player's colors. Land on someone else's color and they get to powerfully pound your poor pineapple with their plastic Punchy. Hooray for alliteration. When you only play with two people it isn't bad since the unused colors become safe havens, but with four people playing everyone winds up moving flat shapeless blobs around the board.

Apart from the spaces that direct you forward or back two squares, there are two other types of instructional spaces. The first is remold and just like it sounds allows you reshape your flat piece of clay back into its pineapple shape. The other is size check and its true purpose, like my instructions booklet, is lost. I do remember that there is a penalty if you land on a size check space and your piece extends beyond the size of the square. I don't remember if it's simply moving back so many spaces or the dreaded return to start.

Overall Hawaiian Punch is a fun game. I liked it as a kid and it stood the test of time when we dusted it off during a recent holiday gathering, which is more than I can say about the Tetris board game. If you wind up playing with a group of adults I'd suggest implementing a rule that Punchy can't be over two inches above the target before the player starts smashing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, toys

I've had something on my mind for quite some time. Even with the vast resources of the internet at my disposal I haven't managed to unearth any information in my quest. I had even begun to question whether I had made up one of my fondest childhood memories. Then over the holidays while searching my parents attic for some of my old toys I stumbled across a box full of old papers, which not only exposed that my pack rat ways began at a young age but also contained proof that my memories weren't false after all. Join me now as we travel back in time to not only expose one of my greatest disappointments but also help those that may be googling Transformers: The Movie mail-in get the information they're looking for.

As a kid, getting mail outside of the normal card giving holidays was a big deal, especially if it was actually addressed to you instead of just saying current resident. When something from the Transformers showed up with my name on it, my young mind was blown. I recall getting this before having heard any mention of the upcoming movie and the onslaught of trailers during every commercial break. My days and nights were spent analyzing the mysteries within. Even looking at it now brings back a flood of nostalgic memories. The only difference now is that I can see the gigantic marketing ploy that I fell for as a kid. Let's take a closer look at this mysterious booklet.

Even the outside of this booklet was pretty amazing. While most mail comes in a boring envelopes that at most might have an interesting stamp or post mark, the people at Hasbro spared no expense. They also spoiled what might have been their greatest plot twist with putting a transformed Unicron right on the cover. I guess they figured kids wouldn't figure out the giant planet called Unicron had any connection with the robot of the same name. For the kids that weren't lured in by the pretty pictures on the front, the back of the booklet was covered with bullet points that would surely appeal to their more analytical mind. It also promised "Transformers Excitement." What I want to know is why didn't that little robot posing as the postage appear in the movie? I would have bought a Bulky figure.

The first fold of the booklet exposes a tantalizing taste of what to expect if we convinced our parents to shell out the money for movie tickets. A giant planet muncher will threaten Cybertron, Optimus Prime might be a wuss, Megatron is still evil, but may join forces with Unicron in order to work the buddy sitcom angle, and the chosen one will rescue them all as long as he realizes he's the chosen one. The page is bursting with shocking revelations but my attention was always drawn to the picture in the upper left. Who were all these robots and what happened to all the regulars? The new wave of movie transformers hit the shelves just before the movie was out, so at least the who question was answered. As to all the regulars, the first five minutes of the movie would take care of the what question. They're all dead.

The next fold opened to the hidden agenda of this booklet. Buy our stuff. It actuality it wasn't too different from the little pamphlet that came stuffed in the transformer boxes offering goodies in exchange for robot points with the exception of two major changes. It was quite a bit larger and it offered something those pamphlets never could. It offered up the leaders of the warring factions, Optimus Prime and Megatron. Why is this a big deal? Couldn't these very figures be found in any toy store? Look a little more carefully. What is offered here is the "movie version" of both Prime and Meggy. Also notice that anywhere it appears "movie version" is always in quotes. You'll find out why soon enough.

Of course I had been taken in by the entire production. Who knew a piece of folded paper could be so persuasive? I don't remember how much begging I had to do but I eventually struck a deal that enabled me to get one of these fabulous "movie version" offerings. Considering I had neither as a plain regular version it must have been a difficult decision. I opted for Megatron since my Decepticon roster was a little slim and I figured maybe a bit of leadership would help boost morale. Points collected and shipping paid, all I had to do was sit back and wait for my prize.

For six to eight weeks my mind worked overtime to imagine what would make my new acquisition so special as to earn the title of "movie version." Then the deluge of trailers began. It didn't take many viewings of a cracked and broken down Megatron announcing, "it's over Prime," before I worked out what would make my toy the most coveted of the schoolyard. Battle damage. I could hardly contain my glee when one fine day, a large brown box with my name on it showed up at our door. Was it everything I had hoped for?

If there really were versions of Optimus Prime and Megatron with intricately detailed battle damage, wouldn't word have spread to kids across the country side, and eventually fetched a king's ransom on eBay? What I found inside that plain box was a very ordinary Megatron. The only thing that marked him as a "movie version" was a little certificate and a very large sticker that I wound up putting on the inside of his leg. Sure I was disappointed at first, but a new toy was a new toy. Soon Megtron was leading his outnumbered Decepticons to victory. I don't remember how the storyline of owning both Megatron and Galvatron played out though.

Twenty years later I can see Hasbro's motivation behind all of this. Kids wouldn't want to buy the toy of a dead leader when Galvatron and Rodimus Prime are on the shelves. The only way to empty the warehouses of old stock was to offer the corpses as special versions. I'm not sure how many other kids fell for their trap. It couldn't be many, since my meager internet search didn't turn up even a scrap. Now, thanks to my pack rat ways and my massive stash of toys in my parent's attic, the story can be told.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : toys