Have you seen the commercials where Abe Lincoln and a snarky groundhog harass some poor sleep deprived guy about getting hooked on sleeping pills? If you haven't or just want a recap I've cut the relevant pieces together.


I want to know what kind of dreams is Doug having. How do Abe, a groundhog and an antiquated deep sea diver relate to each other? Are they trying to unravel the link between Lincoln's assassination, Groundhog Day and the disappearance of Atlantis? Are they a team of unlikely super heroes? I need to know. I wonder if their pills come with a mini comic explaining everything.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials

It's time to look at another commercial from my list of favorites. This one comes to us from Wendy's and made its mark in 1984. It spawned a popular catch phrase that is still going strong. I managed to track down a copy of the original so you can see it for yourself.

The commercial was an instant classic and is number five on USAToday.com's list of Top 10 Commercials Of All Time. Three elderly women spend the spot messing around with a tiny hamburger patty on a large bun. While the two on the left continually comment about the bun, the third woman, 81-year-old Clara Peller, wants to know where the beef is. Yes, Clara is the "Where's the beef?" lady.

There were a fewother commercials made staring the trio, but none of the other ladies found as much fame as Clara. I challenge you to even find their names. "Where's the beef?" took the nation by storm. It even had it's own song by Coyote McCloud. Her fame also ended up being her undoing. In a commercial for Prego spaghetti sauce Clara exclaimed, "I found it." This phrase didn't catch on, apart from people who had just found something they lost, and her original employer didn't appreciate that Clara would find meat anywhere else besides between Wendy's buns. With that, Mrs. Peller disappeared from the airwaves and the public's consciousness.

A quick search of the internet will turn up quite a bit about the "Where's the beef?" ads and Clara Peller. One thing I remember reading about when the commercial first aired was that Clara was almost completely deaf and a bit senile. During the filming of the spots there was always someone crouched down next to her that would tap her leg when it was time to deliver her lines. And I thought my job was bad.

I'd like to end today with this thought. What is that big gray thing behind the women? Are they booths or is it a board for a giant game of tic tac toe?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

In order to promote their new website, the Discovery family of channels, of which there are a surprising number, ran a commercial about it almost every break. I looked forward to it every time. Whoever designed the ad knew trying to sell a website would be difficult without a hook. Their hook was to make a commercial that appeared to have been put together in an hour using people they pulled off the street. All three commercials followed a similar format. People dressed in strange costumes would greet each other, talk about the website, and then something bad usually happened. Sounds boring? Just you wait.

First up is a spot staring partially eaten fish who reside in the stomach of a great white shark. Oddly this was my least favorite of the three. The fish meet each other and talk about all the wonderful things that can be found on discovery.com. Unlike the other ads though, there is no tragedy that strikes. Instead a third fish slides down the tube in the back to announce, "They even have the news and weather." For a long time there was debate on if that third fish was Gary Coleman. We still don't know the answer.

The next ad features a pair of mosquitoes having lunch on someone's arm. I am almost at a loss as to how to even begin to describe what is going on in this commercial. The costumes are over the top, bulbous affairs, with multiple arms, wings, bug eye goggles, and even a giant straw. The people inside the suits seem to be channeling Rick Moranis' portrayal of Louis Tully in Ghostbusters. At the start of the spot the two bugs get lowered on wires to the arm landscape, at which point one of the mosquitoes loses his footing and plows into the other one. They then manage to greet each other without entangling their multiple arms and begin discussing the finer points of the website. The first mosquito talks about how discovery.com is great source of travel information. The second mosquito delivers the highlight of the commercial in a loveless monotone, "I love to travel." The whole thing wraps up with a giant hand coming down and crushing the screaming second bug while the first makes its escape. There won't be any more traveling for that fella.

Finally we come to my favorite of the three. While it's not as outlandish as the mosquitoes, it has the better ending. This time the spokesthings are giant space rocks. "Hello, Meteor," they greet each other. The rest of the conversation is about how discovery.com is their guidebook for life and all the practical things they learned, one of those things being that most meteors burn up in Earth's atmosphere. On cue the space scene behind them changes to show the approaching Earth and the rock suits burst into flame. Their deadpan reactions would make even Steven Wright proud. "Ahhh, the atmosphere." Ah, indeed.

So there you have it. The commercials have long since disappeared off the air, but you should be able to track them down with a little bit of searching if you've never seen them. Keep an eye out forth one, which is an outtake from the mosquito commercial. It's thirty seconds of one of the mosquitoes flailing around on the wires while the other stands there looking not amused. If all commercials were like that one maybe more people would watch them.

Update:
Again YouTube comes to the rescue. Here are all the commercials for your viewing enjoyment.

Hello, Partially Eaten Fish

Hello, Mosquito

Hello, Meteor

Mosquito Outakes

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials

I have a confession. I like commercials. Not because I'm a good consumer, but because I like to be entertained. A lot of advertisers have given up on actually trying to sell their product with good reason. Most people don't rush out to the store after watching a commercial. The only ad in recent memory that affected my buying habits was for Quizno's and it wasn't because they showed tasty subs. It was because my television was possessed by creatures of inexplicable origin. That's the point of commercials today. Thirty seconds with which to fill the viewer with such confusion that they stumble off in a daze and hopefully buy the product in question.

Nothing exemplifies this process more than the following. I'm sure you probably remember it. A man and a woman are in an elevator and as they sneak peaks at each other their eyes meet. Music swells and we're given a glimpse of their possible courtship, wedding, honeymoon, and first child. The elevator doors open and they go their separate ways. It should be obvious by now that the ad is for pants, but the part that stuck with me was the music. My brain ends up being a vast repository of catchy ad tunes that tend to haunt my days until a new one settles in and this song was no exception. Unfortunately I live under a rock which happens to be located in a cave so I didn't know the song was I Think I Love You, and eventually like the commercial it just faded from memory.

Then one day the song reappeared on my radio. Only this time it was not so subtly different. The horns, the singer, and the fact that it was three time faster than the original could only mean one band was behind what I was hearing: Less Than Jake. Not to take away from their excellent original material, but to me they are the reigning cover champions. I doubt there is a song in existence that they couldn't make at least tolerable if not even enjoyable. But I can't help but wonder if there would be any competition for my imposed title. Let's take a look. Here is a list, in no particular order, of covers by other bands that may or may not have what it takes to dethrone the champs.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Sweet Emotion
To me this exemplifies what a makes a good cover. Lure the listener in with an opening similar to the original before unleashing the mutant beast your cover has become on their eardrums. Although it seems radically different at first the original starts to show through on subsequent listenings. It's still pure Bosstones though.

Dooms UK - Paranoid
Thanks to thousands of hours spent playing Rock 'N Roll Racing on the SNES two things are forever burned into my brain: the opening guitar from Paranoid and the phrase "Olaf unleashes hot fury!" The fact that this cover has no mention of Olaf is a huge disappointment, but that the opening is dutifully recreated almost makes up for it. Then the accordions start. No, I'm serious. Paranoid. Polka. They both start with the letter P so it's easy to see why they were a natural combination.

Rancid - Bob
When I saw a CD that had a bunch of tracks from Rancid and NOFX I thought why do I need this when I already have most of these songs. When I found out it was a CD of them covering each others songs, I knew I had to have it. I still haven't gotten around to buying it, but two of the tracks managed to make it on a compilation. While I like NOFX more, Rancid pulled off the better cover. Maybe it's just better since it's a NOFX song.

So, do any of these other bands have what it takes to take home the title of cover champions? Would any group really want that title? Probably not. Had any other band done covers of both the theme song for Gilligan's Island and The Dukes of Hazard I'd have to give it to them, but Less than Jake is the only one to fill that criteria. Their reign continues.

Update:
Having written this long before YouTube exploded in popularity I was disappointed that I couldn't find the commercials I was talking about so I could provide a link or at least some screen captures. Now it seems that there isn't much left that can't be found on the Internet. Here they are:

Quizno's "We Love The Subs" Commercial

Quizno's "Coupon" Commercial

Levi's "Elevator Fantasy" Commercial

Links to the covers are a bit trickier since the best I can find are just 30 second clips. It's hard to judge something in 30 seconds, but at least it gives you an idea.

Less Than Jake's "I Think I Love You" Cover

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Sweet Emotion" Cover

Rancid's "Bob" Cover

Also, I've discovered how wrong I was to believe Less Than Jake were the kings of covers. The true title belongs to the Me First & The Gimme Gimmes. If you can withstand 30 seconds of these and not enjoy yourself then, uh, I guess we have different tastes in music.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, music

I'm going to talk about burgers. They've been on my mind a lot lately thanks to an onslaught of commercials from a fast food burger chain whose mascot has caused thousands of people to sleep with weapons under their pillow just in case they "wake up with the king."

You've probably seen them, ads featuring burgers consisting entirely of meat and cheese. And then you start wondering did I just see Tattoo? And then the next time you see the commercial it ends differently, so you can't be sure. But then you see the commercial where you though you saw Tattoo, but he isn't there. Then you begin to question your sanity until finally you see the commercial one more time and there he is, Tattoo. But isn't he dead? Yes. Yes, he is. Apparently this burger is so amazing it even gives life to the dead. With a message like that I had to have one.

After having one I wondered why Zombie Villechaize would allow himself to be involved in such a project. When a burger is only comprised of two things those two things better be good. The cheese was good, but honestly is there such a thing as bad cheese apart from a slice that falls into the little crack between the counter and refrigerator when no one notices and starts to fester after a week. The meat didn't live up to expectations and considering it comprised more than 50% of the burger I wound up a bit disappointed.

But lets get back to the mystery of why a dead man is appearing in commercials. Is it a Hervé Villechaize look-a-like or was Tattoo digitally ripped from his island paradise to help shill burgers? Check out this video around the three minute mark to help you make up your mind. I also found an article claiming he's a digital reproduction, and newspapers never lie, right? So there you have it, if you're famous and dead you never know what you may end up endorsing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

The human brain is an amazing tool. It's capable of solving the most complex problems or creating beautiful works of art or any other number of wondrous feats. I use mine to catalog old commercials. Truthfully I was unaware of this special ability until recently when a toy dinosaur managed to unleash a flood of Little Caesars, a now (mostly) defunct pizza chain, commercials from my mind's dark depths.

Like Wendy's "Where's The Beef?" commercials from a few years earlier, Little Caesars ran a bunch of spots that instead of focusing on promoting their own product made fun of the competition. The ads usually featured a bland looking pizza store who's deals didn't match up to the two for one deal the little guy in the toga was always chanting about ("pizza, pizza"). One of the ads in particular stands out.

A customer comes in and asks the person behind the counter if he can get two pizzas for the price of one. The clerk responds that he can get a pizza and a box. The confused customer asks what he's supposed to do with a box. The clerk asks if he's ever heard of origami. There's another shot of the even more confused customer while the sounds of a box being folded are heard. We cut back to the clerk who is now holding some sort of cardboard bird. "What's that," the customer asks. "It's a pterodactyl," is the cheerful response. The part that makes the spot so great are the sounds the clerk makes when he's playing with the dinosaur while the customer makes his escape. Rawh, rawh.

There were quite a few spots staring the drab pizza place, but that one is probably my favorite. This is the point where I'd direct you to someplace where you could download the ad for yourself. Unfortunately even with the power of the internet at my disposal I still haven't uncovered it. Until then I'll just have to depend on the catalog in my head.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

3 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food