Today is a special day in history. After multiple failed websites I gave it one last try, two years ago today. Judging from the post history I haven't been trying very hard but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate. If you adopt a kid a month before their birthday you still throw them a party, right? I'm not sure where I was going with this analogy, so let's look back on some of the fond memories of the past two years.

Number of posts: 51 (including this one)
That's almost one post every two weeks. I better slow down before I burn out.

Number of Comments: 64
More than half of them are probably from me. Think of them as bonus posts.

Celebrity Commentators: The Burger King, Green Giant, Sprout, and The Larry King
I think it's no coincidence they all appeared to support my musical career.

Actual Celebrity Commentators: J. Rydman and Kevin West
You can tell they're real because they stopped by once and never showed up again.

Old ladies in the Where's the Beef commercial: Mildred Lane, Clara Peller and Elizabeth Shaw

Comment meant to spark conversation: Anyone else find anything interesting lately?
I asked but no one else commented. Thanks a lot.

Comments I could use on a book cover or movie poster:

I love this web design! I love it! - Sweetie Guy Hutchinson
You have a funny blog like the style. - Chuck
I love it! Can I say that again? I love it and I love the post I'm commenting on... - Cat

Most of these wouldn't make sense on a book cover or movie poster but I won't let that stop me.

Top 5 posts from search results

1. Saucy Sauce Sayings
2. Have You Ever Heard Of Origami?
3. He Is Ollie, You Are Sven
4. Clara Peller And The Mystery Of The Missing Meat
5. The Land of Chocolate

I don't know what the people were searching for but I hope they found it. Considering the amount of food based posts they were likely just hungry. The lesson here is never web surf hungry.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

The easiest posts to write are the ones about food because everyone can relate. Everyone eats. Everyone also poops but I'm not sure I'd want that kind of attention if I started writing about it. So let’s get back to food. I feel it's my duty to spread the word about a recent revelation.

Those tiny tree dwelling elves over at Keebler are at it again. This time they've managed to somehow merge pretzels and crackers into an unholy union they're calling Flipsides. You may have seen the commercial where their roving camera crew interviews "real people" on what they think about Flipsides. I could tell they were actors because not one of them said what I was thinking. What would make someone combine a pretzel and a cracker? Being the consumer driven drone that I am I went out and bought a box to find out.

I have to give them credit. They somehow managed to capture the two different flavors in one entity. Most people would let it drop and be satisfied that they found a new and interesting snack but thanks to Food Network's Unwrapped I needed to know how they were made. There's not a seam in the middle so I ruled out that the pretzel and cracker are created separately and later joined. As I pondered how two sides of the same whole could be cooked so differently the truth came to me.

Flipsides aren't an innovative new snack. They are an attempt to cash in on a costly mistake. Imagine, if you will, a machine built to cook crackers. One day the machine breaks down without anyone noticing and produces a batch of crackers that are slightly burnt but only on one side.

When broken in two you can see the inside of a Flipside cracker is the same all the way through. There is probably a bit more done to make it more pretzel like but for the most part you are eating a half burnt cracker. This is the point where I'd say now you know the rest of the story but I'll probably have my hands full with the Keebler legal team without having to look over my shoulder for Paul Harvey's goons.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food

Disclaimer: This article is filled with "facts" about state history and the U.S. Mint's 50 State Quarter Program. If you write a research paper using the information provided here you're likely to get an F. Don't write an angry email just because you're even lazier than the author to look up the real information.

I've already talked a bit about the State Quarter Program so now it's time to start looking at the actual quarters and there's no better place to start than the first state quarter minted. Not only is Delaware the focus of the first quarter but it's also one of my favorite states. The design of the quarter is fairly simple with the image of a man riding a horse prominently displayed. Who is this man? Since I don't see any windmills I can rule out Don Quixote and since most people don't know who that is they are left wondering what Paul Revere has to do with Delaware. More on that later.

What piqued my curiosity were the words "The First State." What could Delaware be first in? It's not first in size. Texas wins that contest. (Sorry, Alaska, but everything is bigger in Texas even the populace's concept of how big their state is.) Maybe it's the smallest? Nope. The deceptively name Rhode Island can claim that title. It could be dealing with the order it was minted but every one knows "1 of 50" would have been a better draw to collectors. It turns out Delaware was the first state to ratify the Constitution, not only making it the first actual state but it also means for a brief period of time our country was known as the State of America. That state was loneliness. And Delaware.

Now let talk about a man and his horse. The man's name is Caesar and the horse is Rodney. Together they formed one of the first traveling comedy act. Their routines primarily involved slapstick with Caesar falling victim to Rodney's tricks. This often involved Rodney steering the riding Caesar into low hanging branches or stopping short causing Caesar to tumble off into a conveniently place hay bale. In their most famous routine Caesar would go through preparations to saddle Rodney. Caesar would bend over to pick up the saddle on the ground behind Rodney. As he did so, Rodney would kick Caesar in the pantaloons causing Caesar to straighten and turn to look for his assailant. Seeing only Rodney, Caesar would scratch his head wondering who had attacked him before bending down for the saddle again so the whole process could repeat. They would continue this until the audience was hoarse from laughter and couldn't take any more.

During the American Revolution Caesar and Rodney often performed shows for the troops. In what was meant to be his most spectacular show Caesar planned to perform for Washington and his troops before their famous crossing of the Delaware. Unfortunately due to some bad directions Caesar later found out Washington was crossing the Delaware River, not the actual state, and missed his opportunity. But Caesar fell in love with his surroundings and decided to give up traveling comedy in order to open the first comedy club, Ye Olde Comedee. Caesar, Rodney and their comedy club are long gone but the Delaware quarter honors the fun times brought to our young country by a man and his horse.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : quarters

I hate having to return to a store I've already been to earlier in the day, either because I forgot something or after driving all around town to other stores it turns out they did have the best price. I'm always worried one of the workers will recognize me and make some comment. I think I've worked out a good alibi though.

If anyone ever asks I'll just look confused at them for a second before I give a flash of realization and tell them it must have been my evil twin. If they continue to press the matter and insist that it was me since the other person was wearing the same clothes, I'll lean in a whisper conspiratorially, "That's what makes him evil." At that point I'd imagine I'd be escorted from the store.

And that's why I always change my shirt if I shop at the same place twice in one day.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Just pretend that said Monkey Nuggets instead of Braingames. So, what happened? How can I quit so soon? I ran out of nuggets.

I had lots of items when I planned this week but when I started writing I kept thinking of more things I wanted to include until I was spending more time on the posts than I had allotted. So while this week was a bit short a lot of good future posts came out of it.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

Have you seen the commercials where Abe Lincoln and a snarky groundhog harass some poor sleep deprived guy about getting hooked on sleeping pills? If you haven't or just want a recap I've cut the relevant pieces together.


I want to know what kind of dreams is Doug having. How do Abe, a groundhog and an antiquated deep sea diver relate to each other? Are they trying to unravel the link between Lincoln's assassination, Groundhog Day and the disappearance of Atlantis? Are they a team of unlikely super heroes? I need to know. I wonder if their pills come with a mini comic explaining everything.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials

As a little kid balloons fascinated me. I wanted to both hold on as tight as I could to keep it from getting away and to let it go so I could watch it soar through the sky. Either choice ended in tears. If I held on to it it was deflated on the floor by the next morning. If I let it go I didn't have a balloon anymore.

As an adult balloons still fascinate me. I want to know where they go. But more importantly if something goes up instead of down is it still considered littering? Even if I tie something to the end of the string? Even if that something is a half eaten hot dog? What kind of park has both a balloon and hot dog vendor but no trash cans?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

While rummaging through my idea list for this week's material I thought this item might be a little too morbid, but after spending the weekend in the clutches of a foul malady I couldn't think of anything more fitting. So I give to you my list of possible tombstone epitaphs:

Husband, Father, Friend, Dead.

You didn't drop your keys in the casket did you?

I think I left the oven on.

Do not open until zombie apocalypse.

I stopped here because honestly I wasn't ever going to top that last one.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

I often contemplate the purpose of this site. On past sites I always tried to create lengthy posts since they were usually a week apart if not more. Left in the wake of this type of thinking was a bunch of unused thoughts and ideas that I didn't feel would work as a long post. Why make people wait a week for only a paragraph?

After a while enough short post material started gathering that I considered starting a new site. I was going to call it Monkey Nuggets; two words that I felt deserved to be combined. It would be haven for all the odd ideas that I felt didn't belong on my normal site. As I started thinking about site design ideas my name choice started to confuse me. What exactly was a monkey nugget? Are they nuggets made out of monkey meat or something even more disgusting? After spending a week contemplating the answer I lost interest in the whole thing. Plus some hacker gnomes stole all my material for their Gneet Gnome Gnews site.

So here we are once again. I'm working on getting this place running again and the crappy ideas are building up. Since the archives are already filled with short posts I'm dedicating next week to the revival of Monkey Nuggets. A week filled with post so short and ideas so dumb you'll wonder why I even bothered at all. It's better than nothing, right?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

Last week I mentioned a top secret project in the works. I'm sure you assumed it would never appear and I would never mention it again in hopes that you'd eventually forget all about it. Today is the day I prove you wrong. In a never-ending attempt at finding my niche in life I've decided to see how the title musician fits me.



I'll admit it's all very DIY at this point but it's a start. With the power of the internet anything could happen. If the right person happens to hear my stuff something bigger might come my way. To be honest though, I'm not really expecting much to come out of it other than the experience of trying.

I'm still working on getting some song samples together, but I wanted to get the track list out there and talk a bit about it to help build some anticipation. Look for the samples and probably a shameless self promoting myspace page sometime next week.



Before I get into talking about the tracks let me say my musical style is what you might call extremely experimental. It's probably less music and more performance art. I expect 90% of people to call it garbage and deem it not even worthy of using the CD as a coaster. So let me dedicate this to that other 10%.

but do not forget - The idea behind this track is what inspired me to put a whole album together. I was cleaning the basement when I came across my old Simon. Anything to get out of cleaning I started to play. After a while it hit me that this would make an interesting song. It took me a few play-throughs to find sequence that was musically interesting. The end result is a sort of a dueling banjos feel. Was I able to beat the machine? You'll have to listen to find out.

tears over old griefs - A lot of the tracks are a combination of simple melodies juxtaposed with spoke words or real life sounds. Here a sad tune is combined with sounds of water, from single drips building to trickling streams and culminating with a raging waterfall.

of its ugly side - I tried to experiment a bit with a kind of musical evolution. I would write two short pieces that were quite different and then try to work my way from one to the other. Here a pleasant uplifting piece devolves into something that grates the ears, but the change is slow and subtle that is put both pieces into a new light.

even in his silence - This is probably one of my favorite tracks. A friend and I sat down to hold a fake improvised interview. I then stripped out all of my friend's responses leaving only my questions and reactions. It's interesting how people interpret the silence.

acquaintance, or a stranger - Familiar songs played in unfamiliar ways. To say anymore would ruin the surprise.

exactly fits the newspaper - Some might tell you a crumpled newspaper is not an acceptable instrument. I say those people aren't trying hard enough.

enough to rule others - How far would people go if you said "Simon says" in front of all of your commands? Probably not as far as the things in this dark track, but the wartime march/propaganda tune is pretty catchy though.

you can do today - Another fun track. I headed to the nearby grocery store with a micro cassette recorder and asked people to recite some of the items off of their shopping list. I was surprised with the number of people that went along with the idea unfortunately one of the ones that didn't ratted me out and the manager who asked me to leave. Luckily I caught it on tape for the perfect ending to the track. The store's piped in muzak makes an interesting backdrop of sound.

facts are stupid things - A simple tune backs some neighborhood kids reading some of the more strange (and untrue) items from snopes.com, a great urban legend reference site.

thorns, don't go barefoot - Prickly is the best way to describe the music of this track, which is interspersed with friends and family giving me their most convincing "Ouch." Those that weren't convincing enough got pinched. They should have tried harder the first time. Papapishu!

larger experiences of life - Another evolutionary track. From birth to the grave I tried to capture the important moments in life. It's harder to do than you think in three minutes and forty-nine seconds.

come back from it - You won't be able to tell from listening to it, but I probably spent the most time on this track. I focused all my "talent" into creating the best song I could. Then I revered the whole thing. I probably should have listened to it reversed as I was putting it together but like everything else it was a learning experience.

So there you have my first step into a new world. The samples should be up shortly and soon after that I plan to have CDs available for purchase.

If you actually managed to read this far you're probably wondering if I've gone crazy. The answer is yes, but not the way you think. I'm sorry if it comes as a disappointment but I have no forthcoming album. I was actually taken by an internet meme, something I've managed to avoid all this time. The meme is to create a CD cover and the rules are simple.

1. The first article title on this page is the name of your band.
2. The last four words of the very last quote on this page is the title of your album.
3. Finally, the third picture here, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. (Optional) Using the rule from #2 above, create a track list of 12 songs.

Once I got started I got a bit carried away and you can see the end result. After having written all this if I had any musical talent at all I'd actually consider making this into an actual album. Maybe I should anyway. I might be sitting on the next big internet hit.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

11 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : music

I have a top secret project in the works that may see the light of day this week or the next but I didn't want too much dust to settle on this place before then. Unfortunately I don't have much to say other than exposing myself as a giant nerd. Not that I was kidding anyone with the site design around here.

I recently stumbled upon The Backloggery. The site tracks your video game collection and which games have been completed. Its goal is to make you feel guilty about spending money on something that was never even removed from its shrink wrap. It's probably meant to be used for games you have some intention of actually finishing but just for fun I entered everything I had laying around.

I've come to the conclusion that I own way too many games considering the list doesn't even cover my Atari 2600, NES and any floppy disk based PC games. What's even worse is that at least half of those games aren't even very good. Like movies, for the most part, games in a bargain bin are there as a warning, yet somehow a few managed to infiltrate my collection. Thankfully it seems that trend peaked a few years ago. I guess that's one good thing about having less free time.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : video games

Disclaimer: This article is filled with "facts" about state history and the U.S. Mint's 50 State Quarter Program. If you write a research paper using the information provided here you're likely to get an F. Don't write an angry email just because you're even lazier than the author to look up the real information.

In 1999 the United States Mint unleashed their 50 State Quarter Program on a confused public wondering why there was a guy on a horse on the back of their quarters. Eventually people caught wind of the plan to release quarters celebrating each state over the next ten years. (That's five new quarter designs every year in case you're bad with math and it's late at night and your solar calculator won't work.) Each state's quarter has it's own unique design filled with images and text detailing that state's history and accomplishments. Unfortunately there isn't much room on the back of a quarter, so that history and accomplishments may seem a bit cryptic. That's where I hope these articles can help.

But before we get into all of that I'd like to take a look the program itself. How did it come about? You only need to look at the fads sweeping the nation only a few years earlier, Beanie Babies. Yes, it seems far fetched that small plush toys caused the US Government to redesign one of it coins but consider this. Beanie Babies ignited a huge following of investing collectors, people willing to spend large amounts of money to hoard things that may not even interest them in hopes that they can eventually cash in on a big profit. The government saw an opportunity.

This is the point where thinking about how money actually works makes my brain ache but stick with me anyway. The cost of the materials in a quarter is five cents. The public is willing to pay twenty-five cents to possess a quarter leaving Uncle Sam with twenty cents in profit. Most of the time this isn't a problem because the public is inclined to spent that twenty five cents on something useful, let's say a vending machine rubber ball. But with the state quarters, people aren't going to spend them. They'll "buy" one to keep and another to spend. The collectors are likely to keep even more.

So there you have it, the truth behind the 50 State Quarter Program. If you don't believe me spend the day in a bank lobby and watch how many people come in waving a ten dollar bill demanding to know if the new state quarter is out. I'd be willing to bet you see at least one before the cops are called and questions are asked about why you're loitering in the bank's lobby.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : quarters

It wouldn't be the start of a new year without some sort of list either marking the best things of the year past or the best to look forward to in the future year so here you go.

• stick of butter


• jug of milk


• carton of eggs


• loaf of bread

Don't ask me what it means. I found it lying on the sidewalk. It could be a grocery list or maybe a French Toast recipe. I figure I have all of 2008 to find out.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

It's hard to believe it has been over a year since I posted anything worth while. There were a lot of reasons why I stopped, but only one why I'm starting again. My brain is full. Full of stupid stories and strange questions that I need to get rid of. I tried standing on a street corner and shouting to passersby but my comments sheet would get soggy when it rained.

Hopefully things will a a bit better this time, especially after I've gone through the painstaking process of updating my template to use Blogger's navigation and label features without having to resort to using one of their "my blog looks like everyone else's" templates. So instead of admitting that I don't have the best track record and this place will be dead in a month let me distract you with this.



cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

The time has come to accept the fact that I no longer have the time and effort to keep this site running. I couldn't even keep up a month of posting things that were already written. So it's time to close up shop at least for now. But before I go here are a few loose ends of things I never got around to finishing.

During the month of reruns I did post one new item, a photo of a very young me in a Planet of the Apes mask. At the end of the month my plan was to write another post apologizing that I was wearing a mask in the original picture and was going to offer an umasked version. That's my angry face.

The main contributing factor of giving up on my little corner of the digital realm wasn't that I've run out of ideas. I have a text file full of half finished articles. Here are just a few ideas you could have read about if I wasn't so lazy.

If you were to travel back in time to 1984 and ask any young boy what his favorite toys were he might respond with My Little Pony. Of course the more likely and slightly less embarrassing answer would be Transformers. Can you blame him? Those wacky robots were everywhere, toy aisles, televisions, even movie theaters. But did you know you could also find them at the book store?

This little introduction was the kickoff of an in-depth article discussing the differences between the cartoon and comic book versions of Transformers. Considering the purpose of both was to sell toys, it's amazing how different they were.

Growing up in a small town summertime meant one thing. Carnivals. If a school, church or fire company in a three town radius was hosting a carnival you could be sure that's how I was spending my Friday and Saturday nights. The magic wore off as I got older, but no kid could resist the chance at winning some loot. My only obstacle was the actual games.

Carnival games were only the lead in to what I was really planning on talking about, A-Treat soda.

Have you been to Boscov's? Considering it's a Pennsylvania based department store with only a few dozen locations in only a half dozen states I'm guessing you haven't. Let me fill you in on what you're missing out on. It's not because it's a great place to shop. To me Boscov's feels like a relic from an era where department stores ruled the Earth.

If you've never been in a Boscov's and you ever get a change don't miss out. Tacky chandeliers, neon signs everywhere, and a full sized candy department are just a few of the wonders you'll witness.

Farmers market. Those two words generally fail to conjure any excitement in most people. The image that comes to mind is of dilapidated wooden stands manned by even more dilapidated people selling things most people wouldn't even dig out of the trash. They're the kinds of places most people avoid. Those people haven't been to Zern's.

I was on a bit of a local pride kick for a while if you can't tell from the last three excerpts. I grew up right down the street from Zern's and calling it a farmers market doesn't even come close to describing why I didn't mind the Saturday morning shopping excursions that would take me away from my precious cartoons.

Things change. It's a fact of life you just learn to accept. Change is a little easier to accept now that practically anything you can think about is well persevered in digital deep freeze just waiting for your Google search, but growing up change was a force of evil especially when it came to amusement parks.

This one goes out to all the rides that are no longer with us, from local favorites Hersheypark's Coal Cars and Dorney Park's Journey To The Center Of The Earth to the well known Disney World's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

There have been quite a few video games based on the Simpsons. Some were not very good. Most were terrible.

Actually, I think this one may have been finished.

Finally, let me leave you with this bit of knowledge. I don't know what it means or what I was going to do with it but I like the sound of it.

crafting miniature replicas of seaworthy vessels constrained in glass containers

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : announcements

Twenty years ago, if someone had told me the future would be filled with reality television I would have told them, "I love that movie too!" I'm talking of course about that classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Running Man. You've never seen it? Turn you television on right now. I can almost guarantee it's playing on at least one channel right now. The odds are even better if it happens to be Saturday afternoon. And I can absolutely guarantee that you'll see it if you go out and rent it.

This article won't be your typical movie review, but allow me to give you a brief synopsis in case you're one of the five people that have never seen the movie. It takes place in the future where the United States had become a military state where the government rules through force and television. The television lineup primarily consist of game shows with the most popular being The Running Man, where convicted felons are given a chance to win their freedom and other assorted prizes if they can survive by the Stalkers.

The current Governor of California plays Ben Richards, the next contestant to appear on the show which is hosted by Damon Killian played by none other than Family Feud's Richard Dawson, who is either a terrific actor or years of hosting the Family Feud have left him a mean and bitter man. While there is no doubt Killian is the villain of the film, he doesn't make much of a physical challenger to Arnie. That is where the Stalkers come in. Let's take a look.

Name: Professor Sub-Zero
Professor Of: Unknown
Favorite Weapon: Hockey stick with a sharpened metal blade
Method Of Transportation: Ice skates
Most Memorable Yell: "Yeahargh!"
Manner Of Death: Garroted with barbed wire
Snarky Comment About Death: "He was a real pain in the neck."
Notes: Like the rest of the Stalkers Sub-Zero seems to be a conglomeration of mismatched themes, in this case, an ice skating, hockey playing sumo wrestler. It's also never explained what he's a professor of. I can imagine him teaching world history at some community college.

Name: Buzzsaw
Appearance: Buldging-eyed maniac
Favorite Weapon: Chainsaw
Method Of Transportation: Motorcycle
Only Line: "I love this saw. It's a part of me. Now I'm gonna make it part of you."
Manner Of Death: Chainsaw to the groin
Snarky Comment About Death: "He had to split."
Often Confused With: That Transformer that changed from a cassette tape into a bird
Notes: Played by an actor whose first name was Bernard. No wonder he looked so mad.

Name: Dynamo
Lovechild Of: Luciano Pavarotti and a Lite-Brite
Favorite Weapon: Force Lightning
Method Of Transportation: Futuristic Shriners car
Most Wimpy Line: "I'm stuck. Somebody help me! Cut, cut. Go to commercial."
Manner Of Death: Electrocuted by a short circuit due to sprinkler incident
Credited Writer That Forgot To Include A Snarky Death Comment: Steven E. de Souza
Possible Snarky Comment That Could Have Been Used: "That was shocking."
Notes: Unlike the rest of the Stalkers Dynamo wasn't killed during the actual game show. Instead he met his end during the film's climax when the underground resistance stormed the television studio.

Name: Fireball
Hairstyle Looks Like: Skunk-skin cap
Favorite Weapon: Flamethrower
Method Of Transportation: Jetpack
Manner Of Death: Flare ignited his leaking gas tank backpack
Snarky Comment About Death: "What a hothead."
Possible Endorsement Deals: Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Notes: Fireball was another Stalker that begged for a commercial break before his demise. I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. Maybe he was confusing a commecial break with a time out. Flares wait for no one.

Name: Captain Freedom
Status: Retired
Played By: Jesse Ventura
Real Life Status: Former Govenor of Minnesota
Favorite Weapon: His bare hands
Method Of Transportation: Foot power
Manner Of Death: He didn't die.
Most Confusing Plot Point: He killed a stunt double the network made to look like Ben Richards in order to fool the audience into thinking the contestant had finally been killed.
Possible Comeback Costume: Some sort of robot?
Notes: With both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie I'm surprised it wasn't re-released under the tag line: This movie has more state Governors than any other, except Predator, which has an equal amount.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : movies

I never really thought about how violent the mascots for kid's drinks were. Kool-Aid Man's extensive property damage is nothing compared to the antics of the star of today's article. Punchy's sole purpose in life was to shill Hawaiian Punch. He'd approach people with a tall glass of the refreshing beverage in hand and ask "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" It seems innocent enough since after all he does have a glass of the punch in question. The victim invariably agrees. Instead of quenching their thirst Punchy cracks them in the skull. It's not clear that Punchy is of Hawaiian descent so I'm not too sure about the Hawaiian component of his punch. Maybe Hawaiians have a special technique they use when punching people that Punchy has learned to master. In any case Punchy is the anti-Trix Rabbit of the mascot world.

I can't lie. I was never a big fan of Hawaiian Punch but not because I was afraid that people would hit me when I asked for it. My biggest concern was the name. Fruit Juicy Red. Red is not a flavor. On top of that an examination of the ingredients reveals that none of the juicy red fruits included in that variety of Hawaiian Punch were neither red nor produced red juice. Why am I writing about an abusive mascot and drink I didn't like? Because together they produced one of the best games of my childhood.

It doesn't seem like a game designed to advertise something would be any fun, but Hawaiian Punch The Game is an exception. Honestly I can't be sure that's true since the only other product sponsored board game I know of is the K-Mart Blue Light Special game and I've never played it. Maybe it's fun too. I can bet it doesn't have Play-Doh though.

Actually it wasn't really Play-Doh but a harder-clay like substance. At the start of the game players shaped their wad into a pineapple token using the mold designed to look like a can of Hawaiian Punch. Not a soda can but one of those two quart metal cans that you had to poke a hole in to pour the juice out. Do they even make containers like that anymore? Anyway, in addition to the squishy pineapple each player also received a matching colored plastic Punchy figure. This is important.

Gameplay was your standard kid's game of spinning, moving, and following any directions on the space. What sets it apart is what happens on those unlabeled squares. Each space corresponds to one of the player's colors. Land on someone else's color and they get to powerfully pound your poor pineapple with their plastic Punchy. Hooray for alliteration. When you only play with two people it isn't bad since the unused colors become safe havens, but with four people playing everyone winds up moving flat shapeless blobs around the board.

Apart from the spaces that direct you forward or back two squares, there are two other types of instructional spaces. The first is remold and just like it sounds allows you reshape your flat piece of clay back into its pineapple shape. The other is size check and its true purpose, like my instructions booklet, is lost. I do remember that there is a penalty if you land on a size check space and your piece extends beyond the size of the square. I don't remember if it's simply moving back so many spaces or the dreaded return to start.

Overall Hawaiian Punch is a fun game. I liked it as a kid and it stood the test of time when we dusted it off during a recent holiday gathering, which is more than I can say about the Tetris board game. If you wind up playing with a group of adults I'd suggest implementing a rule that Punchy can't be over two inches above the target before the player starts smashing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, toys

There is a fire burning in the heart of Pennsylvania. That's not a metaphor about a town of hardworking people. It's a literal fire, the kind that has been known to attack the pants of liars. The fire has taken up residence in the small town of Centralia. The name may sound strange and made up but it's really no different than Australia only with Centra's replacing the Austra's. I'm not sure what an Austra is but a Centra is a misspelled version of a car from Nissan. I doubt you'd find any in Centralia though.

I've never been there but I'd like to imagine a large sign on the outskirts of town welcoming me to Centralia. Underneath would be a smaller sign with displaying the current population, which over the years has been marked out again and again and now reads 18. There isn't a missing zero. The town's population is a meager eighteen souls. Where did everyone else go? They left. Fire doesn't make the friendliest neighbor.

You would think a fire that almost managed to wipe out an entire town would get national news coverage. If the destruction happened over a shorter time frame it might have, but the fire is older than I am. In fact it just celebrated its 44th birthday this year.

The year was 1962. The town's dump was located in an abandoned strip mine next to Odd Fellows Cemetery. In preparation of the upcoming holiday when a lot of the residents visited the gravesites, the trash was set on fire in order to suppress the stench. The fire was put out and a fresh load of dirt was spread on the ashes. Since I've already given away the ending of the story you can probably guess that the fire wasn't really out. But what problems can smoldering ashes under a layer of dirt cause?

Centralia had been a coal mining town at one point in its history but the tunnels has been long abandoned by the 60's. A few had been exposed by the strip mine which was now the home of the town's dump, but the exposed tunnels were to be filled up incombustible material before the mine could be used as a trash hole. Most were. But one wasn't. The fire found it's way into the tunnels and more importantly the remaining coal.

Many different plans were tried but nothing was able to stop the fire. By the 80's most of the residents had been relocated in order to avoid deadly gas that was seeping into their homes. The abandoned buildings were torn down but a few still remain. The small town becomes even smaller and the fire still burns.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : places

It's time to look at another commercial from my list of favorites. This one comes to us from Wendy's and made its mark in 1984. It spawned a popular catch phrase that is still going strong. I managed to track down a copy of the original so you can see it for yourself.

The commercial was an instant classic and is number five on USAToday.com's list of Top 10 Commercials Of All Time. Three elderly women spend the spot messing around with a tiny hamburger patty on a large bun. While the two on the left continually comment about the bun, the third woman, 81-year-old Clara Peller, wants to know where the beef is. Yes, Clara is the "Where's the beef?" lady.

There were a fewother commercials made staring the trio, but none of the other ladies found as much fame as Clara. I challenge you to even find their names. "Where's the beef?" took the nation by storm. It even had it's own song by Coyote McCloud. Her fame also ended up being her undoing. In a commercial for Prego spaghetti sauce Clara exclaimed, "I found it." This phrase didn't catch on, apart from people who had just found something they lost, and her original employer didn't appreciate that Clara would find meat anywhere else besides between Wendy's buns. With that, Mrs. Peller disappeared from the airwaves and the public's consciousness.

A quick search of the internet will turn up quite a bit about the "Where's the beef?" ads and Clara Peller. One thing I remember reading about when the commercial first aired was that Clara was almost completely deaf and a bit senile. During the filming of the spots there was always someone crouched down next to her that would tap her leg when it was time to deliver her lines. And I thought my job was bad.

I'd like to end today with this thought. What is that big gray thing behind the women? Are they booths or is it a board for a giant game of tic tac toe?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials, food

Liza squinted her eyes against the harsh fluorescent lighting. "Why did I take a job that starts so early," she mumbled to herself. Taking a job stocking shelves at the local, big chain hardware store seemed like a good at the time, but she didn't factor in the customers. All employees were required to answer any questions the customers wandering the aisles might have. She hated it. Try as she could to blend into the shelves she was stocking but the brightly colored vest made Liza stand out like a sore thumb. That is how he spotted her. She could hear his slow shuffle coming towards her and turned to face him. Might as well get this over with, she thought.

"Excuse me," the man began while staring at her chest.

"Please be reading my name tag," she repeated to herself over and over.

"Liza," he continued, now making eye contact. "I have a bit of a problem. I've got a bucket that is in need of repair. There is a hole in the bucket."

"Well, sir," Liza began.

"Please, call me Henry," Henry interrupted.

"Ok, Henry. You might be able to find a dowel that you could use to plug up the hole. I believe they are in aisle 4."

"Thank you very much, Liza," Henry said as he shuffled off towards the dowels.

Liza when back to what she did best, piling things on shelves without rhyme or reason. The best part about the job was being able to let her mind drift. As long as no customers bothered her, Liza could work through an entire day without realizing it. Even now a half hour had passed without her noticing.

"Excuse me, Liza." Liza was shocked back to her senses and turned to see Henry standing there. "It seems I overestimated the size of the hole and ended up buying a dowel that is too big."

Liza waved towards the front of the store. "They should be able to help you at the customer service desk. You can exchange it for one that is a better size."

"Ah, but I left the dowel at home. I wonder what else could be done," Henry inquired.

"Well, Henry, you could cut the dowel so it would fit."

"That’s a fine idea."

"Axe and saws are in aisle 12," Liza indicated with a sweeping arc of her hand.

"Thank you again, Liza," Henry explained as he wandered off to make another purchase.

A half-hour later Liza was stocking a different shelf, but that didn't stop her new best friend.

"There you are, Liza. You won't believe what happened," Henry said. "I was looking at the axes when I realized I already have one at home, but when I got home and the thing was duller than a butter knife. I was hoping you might have a solution."

Liza irritation was starting to show. "Why don't you sharpen it, Henry?"

"Another great idea. How would I..."

Liza cut him off, "Sharpening stones are in aisle 12 next to the axes."

"You've been very helpful," Henry returned.

A half hour later, Liza was scrambling to hide. She turned a corner and nearly ran into Henry. My watch must be slow, she thought.

"Liza, just the person I was looking for," Henry exclaimed.

"Hello, Henry."

"The sharpening stone I bought doesn't seem to work. The axe is still dull."

"Did you follow the instructions," Liza asked. "I think you need to wet the stone."

"Ahh."

"With water," Liza clarified.

"Now that's a problem," Henry said. "You see there's a hole in my bucket, Liza."

Liza could feel something snap. "Why don't you buy a new bucket, Henry," she screamed. With the weight of all the eyes in the store on her, Liza mumbled, "I guess it's time to find a new job."

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities