Twenty years ago, if someone had told me the future would be filled with reality television I would have told them, "I love that movie too!" I'm talking of course about that classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Running Man. You've never seen it? Turn you television on right now. I can almost guarantee it's playing on at least one channel right now. The odds are even better if it happens to be Saturday afternoon. And I can absolutely guarantee that you'll see it if you go out and rent it.

This article won't be your typical movie review, but allow me to give you a brief synopsis in case you're one of the five people that have never seen the movie. It takes place in the future where the United States had become a military state where the government rules through force and television. The television lineup primarily consist of game shows with the most popular being The Running Man, where convicted felons are given a chance to win their freedom and other assorted prizes if they can survive by the Stalkers.

The current Governor of California plays Ben Richards, the next contestant to appear on the show which is hosted by Damon Killian played by none other than Family Feud's Richard Dawson, who is either a terrific actor or years of hosting the Family Feud have left him a mean and bitter man. While there is no doubt Killian is the villain of the film, he doesn't make much of a physical challenger to Arnie. That is where the Stalkers come in. Let's take a look.

Name: Professor Sub-Zero
Professor Of: Unknown
Favorite Weapon: Hockey stick with a sharpened metal blade
Method Of Transportation: Ice skates
Most Memorable Yell: "Yeahargh!"
Manner Of Death: Garroted with barbed wire
Snarky Comment About Death: "He was a real pain in the neck."
Notes: Like the rest of the Stalkers Sub-Zero seems to be a conglomeration of mismatched themes, in this case, an ice skating, hockey playing sumo wrestler. It's also never explained what he's a professor of. I can imagine him teaching world history at some community college.

Name: Buzzsaw
Appearance: Buldging-eyed maniac
Favorite Weapon: Chainsaw
Method Of Transportation: Motorcycle
Only Line: "I love this saw. It's a part of me. Now I'm gonna make it part of you."
Manner Of Death: Chainsaw to the groin
Snarky Comment About Death: "He had to split."
Often Confused With: That Transformer that changed from a cassette tape into a bird
Notes: Played by an actor whose first name was Bernard. No wonder he looked so mad.

Name: Dynamo
Lovechild Of: Luciano Pavarotti and a Lite-Brite
Favorite Weapon: Force Lightning
Method Of Transportation: Futuristic Shriners car
Most Wimpy Line: "I'm stuck. Somebody help me! Cut, cut. Go to commercial."
Manner Of Death: Electrocuted by a short circuit due to sprinkler incident
Credited Writer That Forgot To Include A Snarky Death Comment: Steven E. de Souza
Possible Snarky Comment That Could Have Been Used: "That was shocking."
Notes: Unlike the rest of the Stalkers Dynamo wasn't killed during the actual game show. Instead he met his end during the film's climax when the underground resistance stormed the television studio.

Name: Fireball
Hairstyle Looks Like: Skunk-skin cap
Favorite Weapon: Flamethrower
Method Of Transportation: Jetpack
Manner Of Death: Flare ignited his leaking gas tank backpack
Snarky Comment About Death: "What a hothead."
Possible Endorsement Deals: Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Notes: Fireball was another Stalker that begged for a commercial break before his demise. I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. Maybe he was confusing a commecial break with a time out. Flares wait for no one.

Name: Captain Freedom
Status: Retired
Played By: Jesse Ventura
Real Life Status: Former Govenor of Minnesota
Favorite Weapon: His bare hands
Method Of Transportation: Foot power
Manner Of Death: He didn't die.
Most Confusing Plot Point: He killed a stunt double the network made to look like Ben Richards in order to fool the audience into thinking the contestant had finally been killed.
Possible Comeback Costume: Some sort of robot?
Notes: With both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie I'm surprised it wasn't re-released under the tag line: This movie has more state Governors than any other, except Predator, which has an equal amount.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : movies