I hate having to return to a store I've already been to earlier in the day, either because I forgot something or after driving all around town to other stores it turns out they did have the best price. I'm always worried one of the workers will recognize me and make some comment. I think I've worked out a good alibi though.

If anyone ever asks I'll just look confused at them for a second before I give a flash of realization and tell them it must have been my evil twin. If they continue to press the matter and insist that it was me since the other person was wearing the same clothes, I'll lean in a whisper conspiratorially, "That's what makes him evil." At that point I'd imagine I'd be escorted from the store.

And that's why I always change my shirt if I shop at the same place twice in one day.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

As a little kid balloons fascinated me. I wanted to both hold on as tight as I could to keep it from getting away and to let it go so I could watch it soar through the sky. Either choice ended in tears. If I held on to it it was deflated on the floor by the next morning. If I let it go I didn't have a balloon anymore.

As an adult balloons still fascinate me. I want to know where they go. But more importantly if something goes up instead of down is it still considered littering? Even if I tie something to the end of the string? Even if that something is a half eaten hot dog? What kind of park has both a balloon and hot dog vendor but no trash cans?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

While rummaging through my idea list for this week's material I thought this item might be a little too morbid, but after spending the weekend in the clutches of a foul malady I couldn't think of anything more fitting. So I give to you my list of possible tombstone epitaphs:

Husband, Father, Friend, Dead.

You didn't drop your keys in the casket did you?

I think I left the oven on.

Do not open until zombie apocalypse.

I stopped here because honestly I wasn't ever going to top that last one.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

It wouldn't be the start of a new year without some sort of list either marking the best things of the year past or the best to look forward to in the future year so here you go.

• stick of butter


• jug of milk


• carton of eggs


• loaf of bread

Don't ask me what it means. I found it lying on the sidewalk. It could be a grocery list or maybe a French Toast recipe. I figure I have all of 2008 to find out.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Liza squinted her eyes against the harsh fluorescent lighting. "Why did I take a job that starts so early," she mumbled to herself. Taking a job stocking shelves at the local, big chain hardware store seemed like a good at the time, but she didn't factor in the customers. All employees were required to answer any questions the customers wandering the aisles might have. She hated it. Try as she could to blend into the shelves she was stocking but the brightly colored vest made Liza stand out like a sore thumb. That is how he spotted her. She could hear his slow shuffle coming towards her and turned to face him. Might as well get this over with, she thought.

"Excuse me," the man began while staring at her chest.

"Please be reading my name tag," she repeated to herself over and over.

"Liza," he continued, now making eye contact. "I have a bit of a problem. I've got a bucket that is in need of repair. There is a hole in the bucket."

"Well, sir," Liza began.

"Please, call me Henry," Henry interrupted.

"Ok, Henry. You might be able to find a dowel that you could use to plug up the hole. I believe they are in aisle 4."

"Thank you very much, Liza," Henry said as he shuffled off towards the dowels.

Liza when back to what she did best, piling things on shelves without rhyme or reason. The best part about the job was being able to let her mind drift. As long as no customers bothered her, Liza could work through an entire day without realizing it. Even now a half hour had passed without her noticing.

"Excuse me, Liza." Liza was shocked back to her senses and turned to see Henry standing there. "It seems I overestimated the size of the hole and ended up buying a dowel that is too big."

Liza waved towards the front of the store. "They should be able to help you at the customer service desk. You can exchange it for one that is a better size."

"Ah, but I left the dowel at home. I wonder what else could be done," Henry inquired.

"Well, Henry, you could cut the dowel so it would fit."

"That’s a fine idea."

"Axe and saws are in aisle 12," Liza indicated with a sweeping arc of her hand.

"Thank you again, Liza," Henry explained as he wandered off to make another purchase.

A half-hour later Liza was stocking a different shelf, but that didn't stop her new best friend.

"There you are, Liza. You won't believe what happened," Henry said. "I was looking at the axes when I realized I already have one at home, but when I got home and the thing was duller than a butter knife. I was hoping you might have a solution."

Liza irritation was starting to show. "Why don't you sharpen it, Henry?"

"Another great idea. How would I..."

Liza cut him off, "Sharpening stones are in aisle 12 next to the axes."

"You've been very helpful," Henry returned.

A half hour later, Liza was scrambling to hide. She turned a corner and nearly ran into Henry. My watch must be slow, she thought.

"Liza, just the person I was looking for," Henry exclaimed.

"Hello, Henry."

"The sharpening stone I bought doesn't seem to work. The axe is still dull."

"Did you follow the instructions," Liza asked. "I think you need to wet the stone."

"Ahh."

"With water," Liza clarified.

"Now that's a problem," Henry said. "You see there's a hole in my bucket, Liza."

Liza could feel something snap. "Why don't you buy a new bucket, Henry," she screamed. With the weight of all the eyes in the store on her, Liza mumbled, "I guess it's time to find a new job."

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Have you ever scoured the internet for a tiny morsel of information only to find what you need on a page of incomprehensible gibberish, due to a foreign language and not because of the fact that the author has yet to grasp the subtleties of the English language. Luckily there are countless pages that will help you translate those funny squiggles into something you can read. They can also be a secret source of entertainment when you have some free time and you just can't take another round of solitaire. Let me welcome you the sometimes odd world of computer translation.

I took a simple nursery rhyme and translated it to a different language. Then I took that translation and translated it back to English. With a perfect program the English should be close to the same, but the translation programs available today are far from perfect. To add to the effect I repeated the process three times. Let's take a look at the results. First is the original English.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

I went with the standard Jack and Jill. If it's simple enough for kids, a translation program should have no trouble with it. Right?

Portuguese
Jack and Jill had been above of the set that looks at a bucket of the water. Jack fell for point low and broke its crown. Jill came falling after that this this.

If Jack is in love with "point low", if that even is its real name, why did he break its crown. It must be one of those playground romances. Is this this some sort of dog breed?

Spanish
Gato and Jill went in the hill to bring a bucket of the water. The cat fell down and broke its crown. Jill came more next falling.

Gato is filling in for Jack. With a name like that you can tell he loves cats. He even brought one with them to explore the giant hole in the hill. Unfortunately, it was a pit trap and the cat didn't make it. Since Jill was only more next to fall I have to assume Gato jumped in after his beloved pet.

French
Jack and Jill assembled the hill to seek a bucket of water. Jack fell at the bottom and broke its crown. Jill came dégringolant then.

Always the do-it-yourselfers Jack and Jill built their own hill in order to fulfill their water quest. Jack couldn't even get to the top before he managed to hurt himself. Being the smart one, Jill took a blimp to the top.

Dutch
The jacket and Jill hillock of a bucket will obtain water. The linker fall below the jacket and discontinuance crown is. Jill came afterwards tumbling.

Jack finally left Jill due to her being a hillock of a bucket. I can finally rest easy though knowing that the thing at the end of a zipper is called the linker.

German
Jack and Jill rose to the tub of the water too receive hills. Jack fell down and broke its crown. Jill came to it stolpernd.

There is no hope for humanity if even machines can't be taught the difference between "to" and "too". That Jill. She's always stolpernd.

Italian
Jack and Jill have gone on the hill to take one bucket of the water. Jack has fallen and has broken the advanced part relative. Jill has falling come after.

No wonder Jack and Jill are always trudging up that hill. They're only allowed one bucket at a time. Now Jack will have to spend the day at the hardware store looking for a new advanced part. At least he didn't break his crown.

Greek
The Jack and that of Jill I go up the hill for what I bring a water of buckets. The Jack fell under and this broke his crown. The Jill came falling then.

There isn't a noun that doesn't seem more impressive when you put "the" in front of it. We're also treated to the autobiographical version of the story.

Russian
Jack and Jill send upward by hill fetch the pail of water. Jack it was lowered it downward and it were broken its crown. Jill arrived rushashchsya in pozhe.

In Soviet Russia hill sends you for water. It's nice to see that by fetching her own water Jill was able to afford a Porsche. Oh wait, it's just a generic knock off.

Chinese
Jake and Jill climb the hill to bring the barrel water. Jake tumbled and has broken his crown. Jill will be newest future tumbles.

The truth is Jack and Jill were not friends but bitter rivals competing for a place on the gymnastics team. After an unfortunate "accident", Jill manages to secure her spot on the team.

Korean
It brought the Jack inside order and the hill which is contiguous the Jill funeral with high formation matched inside the pail of the adjacent waters which is contiguous. The Jack came down on lower part and it intercepted his crown. It inside the Jill came down after.

A simple task of fetching water became a nightmare of terror. "It" had already managed to get Jill. Jack fought to escape, but it had the crown.

Japanese
Jill where that did and takes the bucket of the hill and the water Jack it came. At the time of Jack? That crown had been broken. Jill rear movement, it goes back and forth.

I will leave you with this haiku: The time of Jack comes. Broken crowns will be repaired. Jill walks sexily.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Cows. I'm not quite sure when my obsession with them began but I'm pretty sure Gary Larson had a hand in it. How can you not like cows? They're funny to look at and they taste great both in solid and liquid form. But I've often wondered if they ever get tired of people yelling "Moo" at them as they speed along the highway. I recently found my answer. Cows invaded my city. Sure it was promoted as all in good fun, even going as far as calling it "Cow Parade", but I knew the horrible truth. The cows were coming to extract their revenge. Let's take a look as some of the more devious infiltrators.

Some cows went for the obvious route of just putting on human clothing in an attempt to fit in. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a cow sitting on a park bench in the middle of downtown, but it's not the most inconspicuous thing. The second cow may have had more luck had he not covered himself in Silly Putty and rolled around on the newspaper.

Another cow thought he'd infiltrate society in a civil servant job. I'm not sure how he filled out the job application without opposable thumbs but he managed to get a job with the post office. He thought it was the perfect cover. He didn't take into account the dogs. No one ever does.

While cows have a hard time passing themselves off as humans, they do much better impersonating everyday objects. Woe is the drunk that stumbles up to this bar. You would think that the fact that it only serves moo-tinis would clue them in to the lurking dangers though. Not so much with the so called rollercowster. It even has all the proper safety harnesses. Sure the cow looks like it's having fun, but that tongue isn't dangling in the breeze as it flies down the tracks. It's licking its lips, having devoured another helpless soul in the search of an E-ticket good time.

World domination isn't a solo job. Why do you think all those James Bond villains never manage it? Cows have studied this and know they'll need some help. Some cows found a helping hand in the form of bears. Don't laugh. Bears are considered the ninjas of the animal world. How else do you think Yogi gets all those picnic baskets?

So far the attempts that we've seen have been pretty mild, but now things have changed. I managed to stumble across the training grounds for the cow special forces teams. Why disguise yourself as a human or object when you can just disappear? At least that's what the recruitment posters said. The cows in training haven't quite made it to that point but they're getting there. Their specialty is camouflage. Next time you water the plants around the office keep your eyes open.

I've saved the most horrific revelation for the end, since if I had made it in the beginning you may not have kept reading. The cows have developed weapons and it's not just rocks or sticks or rocks tied to sticks. It's much worse. Cow bombers. Take a guess at what they use for ammunition. Yeah. And you though birds were bad. To make matters worse there are even some cows that have learned to shoot lasers from their eyes. We're doomed.

Though there may be a ravenous herd of cows seeking our destruction, through all the horror I managed to catch a glimpse of one cow that knew its place in the world. That cow could serve as a shining beacon of hope for all of mankind.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. That is to say he is a bear. You see Fuzzy Wuzzy isn't dead nor has his condition, which we will discuss in a moment, changed the core of his being. If you put a suit and tie on a duck and send him to Wall Street, he's still a duck. I would expect an unexpected rise in cracker stock though. So too is Fuzzy still a bear. He spends his days enjoying bear activities such as eating honey, long winter naps, and mauling tourists for their picnic baskets.

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. No one is quite sure about the cause of this problem and, being a bear, Fuzzy isn't much on small talk. Is it some strange skin condition? Obsessive-compulsive shaving taken to the extreme? No one knows, except for Fuzzy's barber and he ain't talking. At least he wasn't talking until I slid a little money his way. According to him, Fuzzy comes in at least once a week and asks for a little off the top. The barber, unsure of where the top ends and the bottom begins, just shaves it all off. So far Fuzzy has never complained.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he? This is a lie. Depending on the growth rate of bear hair and his frequency of barber visits there is a good chance that Fuzzy would be come just that. Of course he'd probably also become itchy. Maybe Itchy Ritchie would be a better name.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Washington: I told her, "Look lady, I don't know how I got in here and frankly I'm just as shocked as you are."

Roosevelt: That's disgusting!

Washington: But unfortunately true.

Lincoln: Ok, people let's settle down. I've called this meeting because I've learned of some news.

Jefferson: Is it time for another redesign already?

Lincoln: No, this is something far more serious. I've learned there is talk about getting rid of one of us.

Roosevelt: Is not me is it? Oh, it's probably me. I can't help it I don't conform. I'm drinking milk every day to help me grow big and strong. You'll see.

Lincoln: Calm down, Frank. It's me they're after.

Roosevelt: Oh, well then...

Jefferson: ...perfect sense...

Washington: ...no big deal.

Lincoln: That's all you have to say?

Washington: What did you expect?

Lincoln: I expected your support. I expected us to rise up together to fight this, but I should have known. None of you can put yourselves in my shoes. You don't know what it's like to be left behind for strangers to do with you as they please. You haven't been left buried in the dark places on this Earth knowing no one will bother to look for you. You don't know what it's like to fall and no one even has the decency to stop to help you up.

Sacagawea: I know how you feel, Abe.

Lincoln: Quiet, you.

Jefferson: I think you're taking this too seriously. You've had a good run. Maybe it's time to think about retirement.

Lincoln: Never. Mark my words, Jefferson. When I'm gone you'll be next. You'll all be next until none remain.

Washington: There's no way they would get rid of me. I'm the biggest.

Kennedy: Don't be so sure about that.

Washington: Oh, uh... I... Um.

Kennedy: I know. You forgot about me. Everybody does. But soon it will be my turn in the spotlight.

Jefferson: You don't mean...

Kennedy: That's right. I've been behind it all along. My ingenious plan will phase all of you out in the next fifteen to twenty years.

Roosevelt: You monster!

Lincoln: But why?

Kennedy: We're a lot alike, Abe. I've felt the scorn and disgust of the world. But unlike you, there is no place for me in it. And it's time I get my revenge.

Washington: But you plan will most likely destroy you as well.

Kennedy: Don't you see? It doesn't matter anymore. Muhahahahaha...

The Bell: *ding*

Lincoln: Oh. It looks like our time is up. I guess we'll have to continue this at the next meeting.

Kennedy: Same time next week?

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

3 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Here is a collection of quick thoughts that really don't deserve their own post. You could argue that they don't really even deserve this one. Look, a three-headed monkey.

---

I once saw an old woman at the mall. She was colorblind. How do I know? She was wearing a green dress. The rest of her outfit was perfectly color coordinated to match. Jewelry, purse, even panty hose were a complimentary shade of green. Except her shoes. Her shoes were pink. A pink some might even describe as being hot. I can only imagine her husband at home sitting in his recliner still snickering.

---

I own a house near a school. It's close enough that some day I expect to have this conversation with my son.

"Why do I have to walk to school?"

"Because it's not even a block away."

"But what if it's snowing?"

"Then you can honestly say to our kids 'Quit complaining. When I was your age I had to walk to school through the snow.'"

"Did you have to walk to school?"

"No, I took the bus. I'm not a savage."

---

I once saw a blind man accidentally hit a man in a wheelchair in the head with his cane. To make matter worse, the man in the wheelchair was deaf. The blind man genuinely sorry tried to apologize while the deaf man offered him some sign language everyone can understand. This when on for a while until both realized nothing was being accomplished. As he turned to leave the blind man started waving his cane and struck the deaf man. Again. In the head. It's not nice to laugh at the handicapped but sometimes you can't help it.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

3 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

It's amazing the kind of stuff that get saved over the years. I recently came across a McDonald's gift certificate. That might not seem too odd, but take a close look at the expiration date. December 31, 1977. Even stranger is where I found it, in an envelope filled with my old savings bonds. I guess someone though it might increase in value over the years. That someone was probably me.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

1 adventurer found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food, oddities

Summertime is easy reading time. At least that's what the sign outside of the school near my house says. I think that sign gives kids the opportunity to complain about reading during the school year, since it implies it's not as easy to do then as in the summer.

Here are a few titles of books that are also hard to read even in the easy reading time of summer. It's not because they're full of big made-up words, like falaphilantaterist, or that they are a rare find with a limited print run. No one has written them yet.

Brunch with Nostradamus

What Now, Space Cow?

Strange Things Happen To A Seemingly Normal Person Who Turns Out Not To Be Normal But The Center Of A Complex Conspiracy And Then More Things Happen (Working Title)

I'll be back with a plot summary for each, but until then feel free to post your own theories.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : books, oddities

I have a bird living in my mailbox. It's home isn't in the actual box but in the little newspaper chute below the box that no one ever uses. At first it was kind of cute. Not so much anymore.

Retrieving the mail now results in two scenarios. Usually the bird will fly out just as I'm opening the mailbox causing me to jump three feet in the air. No matter how hard I prepare myself having something fly out at me kind of freaks me out. The second and less appealing situation has the bird already out of the box as I approach, which decides I'm getting a little too close for comfort and starts diving at my head. In either case I'm sure my neighbors find my antics highly amusing.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities

Have you ever stopped to really examine your vacation photos? Sure you might flip through them every now and then to remember the great time you had, but you probably don't sit there memorizing at all the details like someone is going to ask you questions about what you just saw. You'd be surprised at the things you find that weren't meant to be the subject of your photo, like this happy family.

I have no idea who those people are, but there they were with their funny faces hanging out at the edge of one of our pictures. I do have a good idea what's causing the faces though. Notice that white blur in the upper corner? Let's just say if you go to Sea World and happen to stop to feed the sea lions, watch out for birds. Big ones.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : oddities