In order to promote their new website, the Discovery family of channels, of which there are a surprising number, ran a commercial about it almost every break. I looked forward to it every time. Whoever designed the ad knew trying to sell a website would be difficult without a hook. Their hook was to make a commercial that appeared to have been put together in an hour using people they pulled off the street. All three commercials followed a similar format. People dressed in strange costumes would greet each other, talk about the website, and then something bad usually happened. Sounds boring? Just you wait.

First up is a spot staring partially eaten fish who reside in the stomach of a great white shark. Oddly this was my least favorite of the three. The fish meet each other and talk about all the wonderful things that can be found on discovery.com. Unlike the other ads though, there is no tragedy that strikes. Instead a third fish slides down the tube in the back to announce, "They even have the news and weather." For a long time there was debate on if that third fish was Gary Coleman. We still don't know the answer.

The next ad features a pair of mosquitoes having lunch on someone's arm. I am almost at a loss as to how to even begin to describe what is going on in this commercial. The costumes are over the top, bulbous affairs, with multiple arms, wings, bug eye goggles, and even a giant straw. The people inside the suits seem to be channeling Rick Moranis' portrayal of Louis Tully in Ghostbusters. At the start of the spot the two bugs get lowered on wires to the arm landscape, at which point one of the mosquitoes loses his footing and plows into the other one. They then manage to greet each other without entangling their multiple arms and begin discussing the finer points of the website. The first mosquito talks about how discovery.com is great source of travel information. The second mosquito delivers the highlight of the commercial in a loveless monotone, "I love to travel." The whole thing wraps up with a giant hand coming down and crushing the screaming second bug while the first makes its escape. There won't be any more traveling for that fella.

Finally we come to my favorite of the three. While it's not as outlandish as the mosquitoes, it has the better ending. This time the spokesthings are giant space rocks. "Hello, Meteor," they greet each other. The rest of the conversation is about how discovery.com is their guidebook for life and all the practical things they learned, one of those things being that most meteors burn up in Earth's atmosphere. On cue the space scene behind them changes to show the approaching Earth and the rock suits burst into flame. Their deadpan reactions would make even Steven Wright proud. "Ahhh, the atmosphere." Ah, indeed.

So there you have it. The commercials have long since disappeared off the air, but you should be able to track them down with a little bit of searching if you've never seen them. Keep an eye out forth one, which is an outtake from the mosquito commercial. It's thirty seconds of one of the mosquitoes flailing around on the wires while the other stands there looking not amused. If all commercials were like that one maybe more people would watch them.

Update:
Again YouTube comes to the rescue. Here are all the commercials for your viewing enjoyment.

Hello, Partially Eaten Fish

Hello, Mosquito

Hello, Meteor

Mosquito Outakes

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

0 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : commercials