Over a year ago Taco Bell did something to forever alter its fast food landscape. No, not the almost complete extinction of the Chili Cheese Burrito, I'm talking about the inspiring words now found on their sauce packets. Words the suits at Taco Bell headquarters like to call "Sauce Wisdom" even though I've yet to have them impart any real wisdom.

Here is the batch I got during the last run to the border. I've seen them countless times before, but for some reason this time I started to wonder who comes up with these insane ramblings. A quick search brought me the answer. You do. Not you personally, but you meaning society at large.

Last May Taco Bell held a contest for customers to submit their own pieces of sauce wisdom to grace the next batch of packets. Lured by the offer of a free year of food, thousands of people offered up their creative sayings. In the end only twelve were deemed sauce worthy. Let's take a look at what people, who by now are vowing to never eat at Taco Bell again, came up with.

Bike tires scare me – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one really makes me think. Is it a personal confession of a madman or a look at the inner thoughts of sauce come to life? Either way I can't see what would make bike tires so frightening.

Hello – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.) and A. Franklin (Lakeland, Fla.)
Two people were able to come up with this bit of wisdom. I'd say it could be made even better by adding a question mark. Hello?

I M A HOT T R U 2? – M. Carson (East Wenatchee, Wash.)
I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that the M stands for Missy. Letters and numbers aren't words. They are used to build words. Just like vegetables aren't food, they're what food eats.

I’m in good hands now – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one makes no sense. What kind of good hands would rip you open and squirt your innards on their lunch?

It’s okay, you can say it. I love you too. – D. Kortenhoeven (Colorado Springs, Colo.)
I'm not sure what D. Kortenhoeven does with his sauce packets, but I don't think I want to know about it. Kortenhoeven: the funny name that's fun to say. Kortenhoeven.

Mmmmmmm... Sauce – T. Stuckey (Smyrna, Ga.) and C. Underhill (White House, Tenn.)
Only two people thought this one up and they were probably writers for the Simpsons using assumed names. You're not fooling anyone Mr. Underhill. Not only did you steal a fake name from a famous book, everyone knows the White House is in Washington D.C., not Tennessee.

My sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School – C. Kemmerer (Cocoa Beach, Fla.)
Ha, it's funny because it's like those bumper stickers. Your precious sauce is in my stomach now. How do you like that?

Not to be used as a flotation device – T. Coleman (Indianapolis, Ind.)
My goal is to gather enough packets with this saying to build a raft and sail to T. Coleman's house, which is hopefully located on the only river I could find running through Indianapolis, the White River.

Pick me! Pick me! – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.), C. Gierhart (Clyde, Ohio), D. Gray (Louisville, Ky.), J. Scoyni (Bakersfield, Calif.) and A. Teraberry (Scottsdale, Ariz.)
I'm not sure if that was their saying or if they just wanted free food, but it worked for five pople.

When I grow up I want to be a waterbed – J. Rydman (Alameda, Calif.)
This entry wins the non sequitur award. Even the bike tire comment makes a little bit of sense. Unless J. Rydman is implying that Taco Bell's sauce is watery and bland. They probably work for Del Taco.

Where are you taking me? – K. Moody (Arlington, Tenn.)
Paranoia in food products is something we don't see enough of. I can see it now. Popsicles that reveal "What have you done?" printed on the stick. Potato chips that have little unhappy faces printed on them.

You had me at taco. – L. Hunt (West Monroe, La.)
Another gem. A butchered version of a lame quote from an eight year old movie. I wonder if the contest was flooded with so many bad movie quotes like this that the judges just gave up and picked one at random. I find it hard to believe they wouldn't have picked "Throw me the taco, I throw you the sauce." or "May the sauce be with you." if they were an option.

There you have the twelve winners of the "Share Your Sauce Wisdom" contest. Strangely I never heard about this contest while it was running. Either it wasn't heavily promoted or I don't pay enough attention. Maybe they'll try it again this year. I'm tired of reading the same phrases and they've proved that they're too lazy to think up their own.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

2 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : food