Last night I had a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger told me to get my fanny to Mars. Or maybe I just fell asleep while watching Total Recall on TBS. In either case how can I ignore a direct order from the governor of a state I don't live in?

Unfortunately a trip to Mars is a bit out of my price range, but I know of another trip that's just as dangerous but a bit cheaper. It's free. So come join me on my adventure down memory lane and the Oregon Trail.

Our journey begins back in 1848. Having grown tired of being an Illinois farmer, I packed my bags and gathered a formidable crew to help me on my path to a new life. But first we needed to buy some supplies. I gathered up my life savings of $400 and headed to Matt's General Store.

I think Matt is a cheat. Oh, he had lots of helpful "suggestions" but I find it hard to trust someone that's already managed to run all his competition out of town. Why do I need two pairs of clothes anyway? It's not like I'll be doing laundry along the way.

With lighter pockets, my super friends helped me load the wagon so we could be on our way. Before we left I talked to one of the locals who insisted I buy more clothes that I could trade to the Indians. I think I saw a Matt's General Store nametag under his vest. I hate this place. So long "Independence."

We survived blizzards and spent three days chasing an ox that thought he'd rather travel alone but we finally arrived at the Kansas River crossing. It was time to make a decision. Do we take our chance at fording the 6-foot deep river (oxen are taller than six feet, right?) or caulk our wagon and ride it down the river as the first ATV. Spiderman suggested we wait in the line for the ferry, but that guy wanted to charge $5. That would have bought half an outfit back at Matt's. I was sure if we waited it out the river would eventually dry up and we could cross safely.

After three days of camping the river showed no signs of evaporating, not to mention the fact that Superman was eating through our supplies faster than a speeding bullet. So with much grumbling I paid the $5 to the ferry master and spent the next five days waiting for our turn.

We made it to our next destination without incident, only to be greeted with another river crossing. Luckily this one was only two and a half feet deep, so I got to keep my five bucks this time. It's too bad we had to wait a day for our supplies to dry out because Batman and Wolverine insisted on having a splash fight half way through the ford.

I was happy to leave the rivers behind but it wasn't long before tragedy struck. I'm pretty sure Matt sabotaged our wagon because we didn't buy any of his overpriced spare parts. How hard could it be to repair a wheel anyway I thought? Cavemen managed to make wheels. Turns out it's pretty hard. Four super heroes couldn't even fix a wooden wheel. I knew I should have brought the Professor instead of Wolverine. Somehow we continued on with our broken wheel.

A few days latter we passed a grave of an unfortunate traveler. He must have really like pizza and misspelling things.

Superman fell asleep on guard duty and a thief made off with our oxen. How he fit them into those tiny boxes I'll never know.

Even after all that we arrived at Fort Kearney, nestled between the Dolph River and the Jimbo Mountains. A visit to their gift shop made me reconsider my views on Matt's prices. After briefly considering setting up shop and selling off our remaining supplies at a nice profit, we decided to continue on.

We took a break to do a little hunting to help replenish our food stores. I did my best to help thin out the overpopulated buffalo. Turns out I misheard that Indian about the number of buffalo remaining. Sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better another thief came by and took off with most of the meat.

In other news Spiderman is sick. We were so busy tending to him that we almost didn't notice the thief that took off with 38 of our bullets. It's just as I suspected. The thief left behind a button that reads: Matt's General Store; The Only Store In Town. The game is on.

Chimney Rock was an impressive sight. That night Batman molded his mashed potatoes into a replica of it and continued to insist that it meant something. Superman flung peas at him and I had to send everyone to bed without dinner.

Not to be outdone, Superman acquired a disease of his own. Everyone teased him that the only way he could get sick is if he allowed himself to. He spent the next three days crying in the back of the wagon.

We stopped at Fort Laramie long enough to pick up some cartons of cigarettes, also overpriced, before continuing on.

Spiderman and Wolverine got into an argument over if we were traveling in circles. It seems Wolverine confused our starting location with our current destination of Independence Rock. I saw Batman scribble his name on the rock when he thought no one was looking.

At South Pass a young girl told me a sob story about her sick father. It seems they've been traveling too hard and now he's sick. Serves him right. Now while he's resting I'll get to Oregon and steal his prime piece of land. Turtle wins again, sucker.

Unlike the broken wheel a broken axel is no match for my super compadres. Unfortunately they were so proud of themselves they didn't notice we were on the wrong trail. Thanks for the wasted five days guys.

Superman attempts to befriend a snake. We tried to explain that it probably wasn’t a good idea. The whole thing ended in tears. Again.

I was just thinking you know it's been a while since someone tried to con me out of money when we came to the Green River crossing. At 21 feet deep I figured it was a good idea just to pay up. But I didn't take any pictures out of spite.

It's Batman's turn to have some strange disease. Wasn't typhoid a Daredevil villain?

At the Soda Springs we all took some time to quench our thirst. I had a Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. Wolverine was mad that they didn't have any Blue Pepsi. We tried to explain that soda hadn't been produced in years and even when it had, it was nasty.

I have nothing bad to say about Fort Hall. Our stay was very pleasant and I indicated so on our comment sheet.

Is eating one of your oxen allowed? Because if it's not just pretend I ever asked. But in my defense, that thief struck again stealing most of our food. And I swear that wagon really was abandoned.

At Snake River crossing there wasn’t even a ferry. I had to hire an Indian that insisted on payment of 3 sets of clothes. I would have rather paid the $5. Superman, Batman and Wolverine are lucky we found those spare sets or the rest of the trip would have been very awkward.

Wah, wah. Now the whining starts. I'm cold. I'm hot. When are we getting there? I have dysentery. They're a bunch of super crybabies if you ask me.

We made it to Fort Boise. More like Fort Boxy, right? No one laughed.

Next was the Blue Mountains. More like Not Blue At All Mountains, right? Still no laughs.

After Batman's little incident we all came up with his new theme song. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, na, crutches. He wasn't amused. Where has all the fun gone?

Eventually we came to The Dalles, which turned out to be an exciting water park. They strapped our wagon to a raft and sent us down a rock filled river. They even took our picture at the end, which Wolverine ruined by lifting up his shirt.

Our river ride brought us right to our new home. When we parked our wagon some guy ran up and handed me a scorecard. It's no Mars but I'd like to think we did pretty ok.

cravipat escaped the blue labyrinth long enough to write this.

11 adventurers found their way to the golden castle.

Words uncovered in the catacombs : video games