real life Adventure

An Undeserved Celebration

2008-04-24T12:01:00.002-04:00

Today is a special day in history. After multiple failed websites I gave it one last try, two years ago today. Judging from the post history I haven't been trying very hard but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate. If you adopt a kid a month before their birthday you still throw them a party, right? I'm not sure where I was going with this analogy, so let's look back on some of the fond memories of the past two years.

Number of posts: 51 (including this one)
That's almost one post every two weeks. I better slow down before I burn out.

Number of Comments: 64
More than half of them are probably from me. Think of them as bonus posts.

Celebrity Commentators: The Burger King, Green Giant, Sprout, and The Larry King
I think it's no coincidence they all appeared to support my musical career.

Actual Celebrity Commentators: J. Rydman and Kevin West
You can tell they're real because they stopped by once and never showed up again.

Old ladies in the Where's the Beef commercial: Mildred Lane, Clara Peller and Elizabeth Shaw

Comment meant to spark conversation: Anyone else find anything interesting lately?
I asked but no one else commented. Thanks a lot.

Comments I could use on a book cover or movie poster:

I love this web design! I love it! - Sweetie Guy Hutchinson
You have a funny blog like the style. - Chuck
I love it! Can I say that again? I love it and I love the post I'm commenting on... - Cat

Most of these wouldn't make sense on a book cover or movie poster but I won't let that stop me.

Top 5 posts from search results

1. Saucy Sauce Sayings
2. Have You Ever Heard Of Origami?
3. He Is Ollie, You Are Sven
4. Clara Peller And The Mystery Of The Missing Meat
5. The Land of Chocolate

I don't know what the people were searching for but I hope they found it. Considering the amount of food based posts they were likely just hungry. The lesson here is never web surf hungry.

Snack Marriages

2008-04-21T16:14:00.001-04:00

The easiest posts to write are the ones about food because everyone can relate. Everyone eats. Everyone also poops but I'm not sure I'd want that kind of attention if I started writing about it. So let’s get back to food. I feel it's my duty to spread the word about a recent revelation.

Those tiny tree dwelling elves over at Keebler are at it again. This time they've managed to somehow merge pretzels and crackers into an unholy union they're calling Flipsides. You may have seen the commercial where their roving camera crew interviews "real people" on what they think about Flipsides. I could tell they were actors because not one of them said what I was thinking. What would make someone combine a pretzel and a cracker? Being the consumer driven drone that I am I went out and bought a box to find out.

I have to give them credit. They somehow managed to capture the two different flavors in one entity. Most people would let it drop and be satisfied that they found a new and interesting snack but thanks to Food Network's Unwrapped I needed to know how they were made. There's not a seam in the middle so I ruled out that the pretzel and cracker are created separately and later joined. As I pondered how two sides of the same whole could be cooked so differently the truth came to me.

Flipsides aren't an innovative new snack. They are an attempt to cash in on a costly mistake. Imagine, if you will, a machine built to cook crackers. One day the machine breaks down without anyone noticing and produces a batch of crackers that are slightly burnt but only on one side.

When broken in two you can see the inside of a Flipside cracker is the same all the way through. There is probably a bit more done to make it more pretzel like but for the most part you are eating a half burnt cracker. This is the point where I'd say now you know the rest of the story but I'll probably have my hands full with the Keebler legal team without having to look over my shoulder for Paul Harvey's goons.

A Quarter's Worth Of History: Delaware

2008-04-04T09:52:00.006-04:00

Disclaimer: This article is filled with "facts" about state history and the U.S. Mint's 50 State Quarter Program. If you write a research paper using the information provided here you're likely to get an F. Don't write an angry email just because you're even lazier than the author to look up the real information.

I've already talked a bit about the State Quarter Program so now it's time to start looking at the actual quarters and there's no better place to start than the first state quarter minted. Not only is Delaware the focus of the first quarter but it's also one of my favorite states. The design of the quarter is fairly simple with the image of a man riding a horse prominently displayed. Who is this man? Since I don't see any windmills I can rule out Don Quixote and since most people don't know who that is they are left wondering what Paul Revere has to do with Delaware. More on that later.

What piqued my curiosity were the words "The First State." What could Delaware be first in? It's not first in size. Texas wins that contest. (Sorry, Alaska, but everything is bigger in Texas even the populace's concept of how big their state is.) Maybe it's the smallest? Nope. The deceptively name Rhode Island can claim that title. It could be dealing with the order it was minted but every one knows "1 of 50" would have been a better draw to collectors. It turns out Delaware was the first state to ratify the Constitution, not only making it the first actual state but it also means for a brief period of time our country was known as the State of America. That state was loneliness. And Delaware.

Now let talk about a man and his horse. The man's name is Caesar and the horse is Rodney. Together they formed one of the first traveling comedy act. Their routines primarily involved slapstick with Caesar falling victim to Rodney's tricks. This often involved Rodney steering the riding Caesar into low hanging branches or stopping short causing Caesar to tumble off into a conveniently place hay bale. In their most famous routine Caesar would go through preparations to saddle Rodney. Caesar would bend over to pick up the saddle on the ground behind Rodney. As he did so, Rodney would kick Caesar in the pantaloons causing Caesar to straighten and turn to look for his assailant. Seeing only Rodney, Caesar would scratch his head wondering who had attacked him before bending down for the saddle again so the whole process could repeat. They would continue this until the audience was hoarse from laughter and couldn't take any more.

During the American Revolution Caesar and Rodney often performed shows for the troops. In what was meant to be his most spectacular show Caesar planned to perform for Washington and his troops before their famous crossing of the Delaware. Unfortunately due to some bad directions Caesar later found out Washington was crossing the Delaware River, not the actual state, and missed his opportunity. But Caesar fell in love with his surroundings and decided to give up traveling comedy in order to open the first comedy club, Ye Olde Comedee. Caesar, Rodney and their comedy club are long gone but the Delaware quarter honors the fun times brought to our young country by a man and his horse.

The Evil Twin Alibi

2008-03-14T10:19:00.001-04:00

I hate having to return to a store I've already been to earlier in the day, either because I forgot something or after driving all around town to other stores it turns out they did have the best price. I'm always worried one of the workers will recognize me and make some comment. I think I've worked out a good alibi though.

If anyone ever asks I'll just look confused at them for a second before I give a flash of realization and tell them it must have been my evil twin. If they continue to press the matter and insist that it was me since the other person was wearing the same clothes, I'll lean in a whisper conspiratorially, "That's what makes him evil." At that point I'd imagine I'd be escorted from the store.

And that's why I always change my shirt if I shop at the same place twice in one day.

A Week That Doesn't Last A Week Is Weak

2008-02-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

Just pretend that said Monkey Nuggets instead of Braingames. So, what happened? How can I quit so soon? I ran out of nuggets.

I had lots of items when I planned this week but when I started writing I kept thinking of more things I wanted to include until I was spending more time on the posts than I had allotted. So while this week was a bit short a lot of good future posts came out of it.

Abe's Dream Commandos

2008-02-13T09:16:00.001-05:00

Have you seen the commercials where Abe Lincoln and a snarky groundhog harass some poor sleep deprived guy about getting hooked on sleeping pills? If you haven't or just want a recap I've cut the relevant pieces together.

I want to know what kind of dreams is Doug having. How do Abe, a groundhog and an antiquated deep sea diver relate to each other? Are they trying to unravel the link between Lincoln's assassination, Groundhog Day and the disappearance of Atlantis? Are they a team of unlikely super heroes? I need to know. I wonder if their pills come with a mini comic explaining everything.

Questions About Airborne Latex

2008-02-12T15:48:00.002-05:00

As a little kid balloons fascinated me. I wanted to both hold on as tight as I could to keep it from getting away and to let it go so I could watch it soar through the sky. Either choice ended in tears. If I held on to it it was deflated on the floor by the next morning. If I let it go I didn't have a balloon anymore.

As an adult balloons still fascinate me. I want to know where they go. But more importantly if something goes up instead of down is it still considered littering? Even if I tie something to the end of the string? Even if that something is a half eaten hot dog? What kind of park has both a balloon and hot dog vendor but no trash cans?

Peperony And Chease

2008-02-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

While rummaging through my idea list for this week's material I thought this item might be a little too morbid, but after spending the weekend in the clutches of a foul malady I couldn't think of anything more fitting. So I give to you my list of possible tombstone epitaphs:

Husband, Father, Friend, Dead.

You didn't drop your keys in the casket did you?

I think I left the oven on.

Do not open until zombie apocalypse.

I stopped here because honestly I wasn't ever going to top that last one.

The Importance Of Monkey Nuggets

2008-02-08T13:54:00.001-05:00

I often contemplate the purpose of this site. On past sites I always tried to create lengthy posts since they were usually a week apart if not more. Left in the wake of this type of thinking was a bunch of unused thoughts and ideas that I didn't feel would work as a long post. Why make people wait a week for only a paragraph?

After a while enough short post material started gathering that I considered starting a new site. I was going to call it Monkey Nuggets; two words that I felt deserved to be combined. It would be haven for all the odd ideas that I felt didn't belong on my normal site. As I started thinking about site design ideas my name choice started to confuse me. What exactly was a monkey nugget? Are they nuggets made out of monkey meat or something even more disgusting? After spending a week contemplating the answer I lost interest in the whole thing. Plus some hacker gnomes stole all my material for their Gneet Gnome Gnews site.

So here we are once again. I'm working on getting this place running again and the crappy ideas are building up. Since the archives are already filled with short posts I'm dedicating next week to the revival of Monkey Nuggets. A week filled with post so short and ideas so dumb you'll wonder why I even bothered at all. It's better than nothing, right?

Yes, I'm A Musician Now

2008-01-30T17:01:00.000-05:00

Last week I mentioned a top secret project in the works. I'm sure you assumed it would never appear and I would never mention it again in hopes that you'd eventually forget all about it. Today is the day I prove you wrong. In a never-ending attempt at finding my niche in life I've decided to see how the title musician fits me.

I'll admit it's all very DIY at this point but it's a start. With the power of the internet anything could happen. If the right person happens to hear my stuff something bigger might come my way. To be honest though, I'm not really expecting much to come out of it other than the experience of trying.

I'm still working on getting some song samples together, but I wanted to get the track list out there and talk a bit about it to help build some anticipation. Look for the samples and probably a shameless self promoting myspace page sometime next week.

Before I get into talking about the tracks let me say my musical style is what you might call extremely experimental. It's probably less music and more performance art. I expect 90% of people to call it garbage and deem it not even worthy of using the CD as a coaster. So let me dedicate this to that other 10%.

but do not forget - The idea behind this track is what inspired me to put a whole album together. I was cleaning the basement when I came across my old Simon. Anything to get out of cleaning I started to play. After a while it hit me that this would make an interesting song. It took me a few play-throughs to find sequence that was musically interesting. The end result is a sort of a dueling banjos feel. Was I able to beat the machine? You'll have to listen to find out.

tears over old griefs - A lot of the tracks are a combination of simple melodies juxtaposed with spoke words or real life sounds. Here a sad tune is combined with sounds of water, from single drips building to trickling streams and culminating with a raging waterfall.

of its ugly side - I tried to experiment a bit with a kind of musical evolution. I would write two short pieces that were quite different and then try to work my way from one to the other. Here a pleasant uplifting piece devolves into something that grates the ears, but the change is slow and subtle that is put both pieces into a new light.

even in his silence - This is probably one of my favorite tracks. A friend and I sat down to hold a fake improvised interview. I then stripped out all of my friend's responses leaving only my questions and reactions. It's interesting how people interpret the silence.

acquaintance, or a stranger - Familiar songs played in unfamiliar ways. To say anymore would ruin the surprise.

exactly fits the newspaper - Some might tell you a crumpled newspaper is not an acceptable instrument. I say those people aren't trying hard enough.

enough to rule others - How far would people go if you said "Simon says" in front of all of your commands? Probably not as far as the things in this dark track, but the wartime march/propaganda tune is pretty catchy though.

you can do today - Another fun track. I headed to the nearby grocery store with a micro cassette recorder and asked people to recite some of the items off of their shopping list. I was surprised with the number of people that went along with the idea unfortunately one of the ones that didn't ratted me out and the manager who asked me to leave. Luckily I caught it on tape for the perfect ending to the track. The store's piped in muzak makes an interesting backdrop of sound.

facts are stupid things - A simple tune backs some neighborhood kids reading some of the more strange (and untrue) items from snopes.com, a great urban legend reference site.

thorns, don't go barefoot - Prickly is the best way to describe the music of this track, which is interspersed with friends and family giving me their most convincing "Ouch." Those that weren't convincing enough got pinched. They should have tried harder the first time. Papapishu!

larger experiences of life - Another evolutionary track. From birth to the grave I tried to capture the important moments in life. It's harder to do than you think in three minutes and forty-nine seconds.

come back from it - You won't be able to tell from listening to it, but I probably spent the most time on this track. I focused all my "talent" into creating the best song I could. Then I revered the whole thing. I probably should have listened to it reversed as I was putting it together but like everything else it was a learning experience.

So there you have my first step into a new world. The samples should be up shortly and soon after that I plan to have CDs available for purchase.

If you actually managed to read this far you're probably wondering if I've gone crazy. The answer is yes, but not the way you think. I'm sorry if it comes as a disappointment but I have no forthcoming album. I was actually taken by an internet meme, something I've managed to avoid all this time. The meme is to create a CD cover and the rules are simple.

1. The first article title on this page is the name of your band.
2. The last four words of the very last quote on this page is the title of your album.
3. Finally, the third picture here, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. (Optional) Using the rule from #2 above, create a track list of 12 songs.

Once I got started I got a bit carried away and you can see the end result. After having written all this if I had any musical talent at all I'd actually consider making this into an actual album. Maybe I should anyway. I might be sitting on the next big internet hit.

A Backlog Of Embarrassment

2008-01-23T14:31:00.001-05:00

I have a top secret project in the works that may see the light of day this week or the next but I didn't want too much dust to settle on this place before then. Unfortunately I don't have much to say other than exposing myself as a giant nerd. Not that I was kidding anyone with the site design around here.

I recently stumbled upon The Backloggery. The site tracks your video game collection and which games have been completed. Its goal is to make you feel guilty about spending money on something that was never even removed from its shrink wrap. It's probably meant to be used for games you have some intention of actually finishing but just for fun I entered everything I had laying around.

I've come to the conclusion that I own way too many games considering the list doesn't even cover my Atari 2600, NES and any floppy disk based PC games. What's even worse is that at least half of those games aren't even very good. Like movies, for the most part, games in a bargain bin are there as a warning, yet somehow a few managed to infiltrate my collection. Thankfully it seems that trend peaked a few years ago. I guess that's one good thing about having less free time.

A Quarter's Worth Of History: Of Mints And Quarters (And States)

2008-01-11T08:46:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: This article is filled with "facts" about state history and the U.S. Mint's 50 State Quarter Program. If you write a research paper using the information provided here you're likely to get an F. Don't write an angry email just because you're even lazier than the author to look up the real information.

In 1999 the United States Mint unleashed their 50 State Quarter Program on a confused public wondering why there was a guy on a horse on the back of their quarters. Eventually people caught wind of the plan to release quarters celebrating each state over the next ten years. (That's five new quarter designs every year in case you're bad with math and it's late at night and your solar calculator won't work.) Each state's quarter has it's own unique design filled with images and text detailing that state's history and accomplishments. Unfortunately there isn't much room on the back of a quarter, so that history and accomplishments may seem a bit cryptic. That's where I hope these articles can help.

But before we get into all of that I'd like to take a look the program itself. How did it come about? You only need to look at the fads sweeping the nation only a few years earlier, Beanie Babies. Yes, it seems far fetched that small plush toys caused the US Government to redesign one of it coins but consider this. Beanie Babies ignited a huge following of investing collectors, people willing to spend large amounts of money to hoard things that may not even interest them in hopes that they can eventually cash in on a big profit. The government saw an opportunity.

This is the point where thinking about how money actually works makes my brain ache but stick with me anyway. The cost of the materials in a quarter is five cents. The public is willing to pay twenty-five cents to possess a quarter leaving Uncle Sam with twenty cents in profit. Most of the time this isn't a problem because the public is inclined to spent that twenty five cents on something useful, let's say a vending machine rubber ball. But with the state quarters, people aren't going to spend them. They'll "buy" one to keep and another to spend. The collectors are likely to keep even more.

So there you have it, the truth behind the 50 State Quarter Program. If you don't believe me spend the day in a bank lobby and watch how many people come in waving a ten dollar bill demanding to know if the new state quarter is out. I'd be willing to bet you see at least one before the cops are called and questions are asked about why you're loitering in the bank's lobby.

Year Of The List

2008-01-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

It wouldn't be the start of a new year without some sort of list either marking the best things of the year past or the best to look forward to in the future year so here you go.

stick of butter

jug of milk

carton of eggs

loaf of bread

Don't ask me what it means. I found it lying on the sidewalk. It could be a grocery list or maybe a French Toast recipe. I figure I have all of 2008 to find out.

Adventure Free: One Year

2007-12-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe it has been over a year since I posted anything worth while. There were a lot of reasons why I stopped, but only one why I'm starting again. My brain is full. Full of stupid stories and strange questions that I need to get rid of. I tried standing on a street corner and shouting to passersby but my comments sheet would get soggy when it rained.

Hopefully things will a a bit better this time, especially after I've gone through the painstaking process of updating my template to use Blogger's navigation and label features without having to resort to using one of their "my blog looks like everyone else's" templates. So instead of admitting that I don't have the best track record and this place will be dead in a month let me distract you with this.

10 Goto END

2007-01-19T12:30:00.001-05:00

The time has come to accept the fact that I no longer have the time and effort to keep this site running. I couldn't even keep up a month of posting things that were already written. So it's time to close up shop at least for now. But before I go here are a few loose ends of things I never got around to finishing.

During the month of reruns I did post one new item, a photo of a very young me in a Planet of the Apes mask. At the end of the month my plan was to write another post apologizing that I was wearing a mask in the original picture and was going to offer an umasked version. That's my angry face.

The main contributing factor of giving up on my little corner of the digital realm wasn't that I've run out of ideas. I have a text file full of half finished articles. Here are just a few ideas you could have read about if I wasn't so lazy.

If you were to travel back in time to 1984 and ask any young boy what his favorite toys were he might respond with My Little Pony. Of course the more likely and slightly less embarrassing answer would be Transformers. Can you blame him? Those wacky robots were everywhere, toy aisles, televisions, even movie theaters. But did you know you could also find them at the book store?

This little introduction was the kickoff of an in-depth article discussing the differences between the cartoon and comic book versions of Transformers. Considering the purpose of both was to sell toys, it's amazing how different they were.

Growing up in a small town summertime meant one thing. Carnivals. If a school, church or fire company in a three town radius was hosting a carnival you could be sure that's how I was spending my Friday and Saturday nights. The magic wore off as I got older, but no kid could resist the chance at winning some loot. My only obstacle was the actual games.

Carnival games were only the lead in to what I was really planning on talking about, A-Treat soda.

Have you been to Boscov's? Considering it's a Pennsylvania based department store with only a few dozen locations in only a half dozen states I'm guessing you haven't. Let me fill you in on what you're missing out on. It's not because it's a great place to shop. To me Boscov's feels like a relic from an era where department stores ruled the Earth.

If you've never been in a Boscov's and you ever get a change don't miss out. Tacky chandeliers, neon signs everywhere, and a full sized candy department are just a few of the wonders you'll witness.

Farmers market. Those two words generally fail to conjure any excitement in most people. The image that comes to mind is of dilapidated wooden stands manned by even more dilapidated people selling things most people wouldn't even dig out of the trash. They're the kinds of places most people avoid. Those people haven't been to Zern's.

I was on a bit of a local pride kick for a while if you can't tell from the last three excerpts. I grew up right down the street from Zern's and calling it a farmers market doesn't even come close to describing why I didn't mind the Saturday morning shopping excursions that would take me away from my precious cartoons.

Things change. It's a fact of life you just learn to accept. Change is a little easier to accept now that practically anything you can think about is well persevered in digital deep freeze just waiting for your Google search, but growing up change was a force of evil especially when it came to amusement parks.

This one goes out to all the rides that are no longer with us, from local favorites Hersheypark's Coal Cars and Dorney Park's Journey To The Center Of The Earth to the well known Disney World's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

There have been quite a few video games based on the Simpsons. Some were not very good. Most were terrible.

Actually, I think this one may have been finished.

Finally, let me leave you with this bit of knowledge. I don't know what it means or what I was going to do with it but I like the sound of it.

crafting miniature replicas of seaworthy vessels constrained in glass containers

Start Running

2006-11-19T10:33:00.001-05:00

Twenty years ago, if someone had told me the future would be filled with reality television I would have told them, "I love that movie too!" I'm talking of course about that classic Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Running Man. You've never seen it? Turn you television on right now. I can almost guarantee it's playing on at least one channel right now. The odds are even better if it happens to be Saturday afternoon. And I can absolutely guarantee that you'll see it if you go out and rent it.

This article won't be your typical movie review, but allow me to give you a brief synopsis in case you're one of the five people that have never seen the movie. It takes place in the future where the United States had become a military state where the government rules through force and television. The television lineup primarily consist of game shows with the most popular being The Running Man, where convicted felons are given a chance to win their freedom and other assorted prizes if they can survive by the Stalkers.

The current Governor of California plays Ben Richards, the next contestant to appear on the show which is hosted by Damon Killian played by none other than Family Feud's Richard Dawson, who is either a terrific actor or years of hosting the Family Feud have left him a mean and bitter man. While there is no doubt Killian is the villain of the film, he doesn't make much of a physical challenger to Arnie. That is where the Stalkers come in. Let's take a look.

Name: Professor Sub-Zero
Professor Of: Unknown
Favorite Weapon: Hockey stick with a sharpened metal blade
Method Of Transportation: Ice skates
Most Memorable Yell: "Yeahargh!"
Manner Of Death: Garroted with barbed wire
Snarky Comment About Death: "He was a real pain in the neck."
Notes: Like the rest of the Stalkers Sub-Zero seems to be a conglomeration of mismatched themes, in this case, an ice skating, hockey playing sumo wrestler. It's also never explained what he's a professor of. I can imagine him teaching world history at some community college.

Name: Buzzsaw
Appearance: Buldging-eyed maniac
Favorite Weapon: Chainsaw
Method Of Transportation: Motorcycle
Only Line: "I love this saw. It's a part of me. Now I'm gonna make it part of you."
Manner Of Death: Chainsaw to the groin
Snarky Comment About Death: "He had to split."
Often Confused With: That Transformer that changed from a cassette tape into a bird
Notes: Played by an actor whose first name was Bernard. No wonder he looked so mad.

Name: Dynamo
Lovechild Of: Luciano Pavarotti and a Lite-Brite
Favorite Weapon: Force Lightning
Method Of Transportation: Futuristic Shriners car
Most Wimpy Line: "I'm stuck. Somebody help me! Cut, cut. Go to commercial."
Manner Of Death: Electrocuted by a short circuit due to sprinkler incident
Credited Writer That Forgot To Include A Snarky Death Comment: Steven E. de Souza
Possible Snarky Comment That Could Have Been Used: "That was shocking."
Notes: Unlike the rest of the Stalkers Dynamo wasn't killed during the actual game show. Instead he met his end during the film's climax when the underground resistance stormed the television studio.

Name: Fireball
Hairstyle Looks Like: Skunk-skin cap
Favorite Weapon: Flamethrower
Method Of Transportation: Jetpack
Manner Of Death: Flare ignited his leaking gas tank backpack
Snarky Comment About Death: "What a hothead."
Possible Endorsement Deals: Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Notes: Fireball was another Stalker that begged for a commercial break before his demise. I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. Maybe he was confusing a commecial break with a time out. Flares wait for no one.

Name: Captain Freedom
Status: Retired
Played By: Jesse Ventura
Real Life Status: Former Govenor of Minnesota
Favorite Weapon: His bare hands
Method Of Transportation: Foot power
Manner Of Death: He didn't die.
Most Confusing Plot Point: He killed a stunt double the network made to look like Ben Richards in order to fool the audience into thinking the contestant had finally been killed.
Possible Comeback Costume: Some sort of robot?
Notes: With both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie I'm surprised it wasn't re-released under the tag line: This movie has more state Governors than any other, except Predator, which has an equal amount.

Punchtastic

2006-11-18T10:32:00.000-05:00

I never really thought about how violent the mascots for kid's drinks were. Kool-Aid Man's extensive property damage is nothing compared to the antics of the star of today's article. Punchy's sole purpose in life was to shill Hawaiian Punch. He'd approach people with a tall glass of the refreshing beverage in hand and ask "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?" It seems innocent enough since after all he does have a glass of the punch in question. The victim invariably agrees. Instead of quenching their thirst Punchy cracks them in the skull. It's not clear that Punchy is of Hawaiian descent so I'm not too sure about the Hawaiian component of his punch. Maybe Hawaiians have a special technique they use when punching people that Punchy has learned to master. In any case Punchy is the anti-Trix Rabbit of the mascot world.

I can't lie. I was never a big fan of Hawaiian Punch but not because I was afraid that people would hit me when I asked for it. My biggest concern was the name. Fruit Juicy Red. Red is not a flavor. On top of that an examination of the ingredients reveals that none of the juicy red fruits included in that variety of Hawaiian Punch were neither red nor produced red juice. Why am I writing about an abusive mascot and drink I didn't like? Because together they produced one of the best games of my childhood.

It doesn't seem like a game designed to advertise something would be any fun, but Hawaiian Punch The Game is an exception. Honestly I can't be sure that's true since the only other product sponsored board game I know of is the K-Mart Blue Light Special game and I've never played it. Maybe it's fun too. I can bet it doesn't have Play-Doh though.

Actually it wasn't really Play-Doh but a harder-clay like substance. At the start of the game players shaped their wad into a pineapple token using the mold designed to look like a can of Hawaiian Punch. Not a soda can but one of those two quart metal cans that you had to poke a hole in to pour the juice out. Do they even make containers like that anymore? Anyway, in addition to the squishy pineapple each player also received a matching colored plastic Punchy figure. This is important.

Gameplay was your standard kid's game of spinning, moving, and following any directions on the space. What sets it apart is what happens on those unlabeled squares. Each space corresponds to one of the player's colors. Land on someone else's color and they get to powerfully pound your poor pineapple with their plastic Punchy. Hooray for alliteration. When you only play with two people it isn't bad since the unused colors become safe havens, but with four people playing everyone winds up moving flat shapeless blobs around the board.

Apart from the spaces that direct you forward or back two squares, there are two other types of instructional spaces. The first is remold and just like it sounds allows you reshape your flat piece of clay back into its pineapple shape. The other is size check and its true purpose, like my instructions booklet, is lost. I do remember that there is a penalty if you land on a size check space and your piece extends beyond the size of the square. I don't remember if it's simply moving back so many spaces or the dreaded return to start.

Overall Hawaiian Punch is a fun game. I liked it as a kid and it stood the test of time when we dusted it off during a recent holiday gathering, which is more than I can say about the Tetris board game. If you wind up playing with a group of adults I'd suggest implementing a rule that Punchy can't be over two inches above the target before the player starts smashing.

Tastes Like Burning

2006-11-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

There is a fire burning in the heart of Pennsylvania. That's not a metaphor about a town of hardworking people. It's a literal fire, the kind that has been known to attack the pants of liars. The fire has taken up residence in the small town of Centralia. The name may sound strange and made up but it's really no different than Australia only with Centra's replacing the Austra's. I'm not sure what an Austra is but a Centra is a misspelled version of a car from Nissan. I doubt you'd find any in Centralia though.

I've never been there but I'd like to imagine a large sign on the outskirts of town welcoming me to Centralia. Underneath would be a smaller sign with displaying the current population, which over the years has been marked out again and again and now reads 18. There isn't a missing zero. The town's population is a meager eighteen souls. Where did everyone else go? They left. Fire doesn't make the friendliest neighbor.

You would think a fire that almost managed to wipe out an entire town would get national news coverage. If the destruction happened over a shorter time frame it might have, but the fire is older than I am. In fact it just celebrated its 44th birthday this year.

The year was 1962. The town's dump was located in an abandoned strip mine next to Odd Fellows Cemetery. In preparation of the upcoming holiday when a lot of the residents visited the gravesites, the trash was set on fire in order to suppress the stench. The fire was put out and a fresh load of dirt was spread on the ashes. Since I've already given away the ending of the story you can probably guess that the fire wasn't really out. But what problems can smoldering ashes under a layer of dirt cause?

Centralia had been a coal mining town at one point in its history but the tunnels has been long abandoned by the 60's. A few had been exposed by the strip mine which was now the home of the town's dump, but the exposed tunnels were to be filled up incombustible material before the mine could be used as a trash hole. Most were. But one wasn't. The fire found it's way into the tunnels and more importantly the remaining coal.

Many different plans were tried but nothing was able to stop the fire. By the 80's most of the residents had been relocated in order to avoid deadly gas that was seeping into their homes. The abandoned buildings were torn down but a few still remain. The small town becomes even smaller and the fire still burns.

Clara Peller And The Mystery Of The Missing Meat

2006-11-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

It's time to look at another commercial from my list of favorites. This one comes to us from Wendy's and made its mark in 1984. It spawned a popular catch phrase that is still going strong. I managed to track down a copy of the original so you can see it for yourself.

The commercial was an instant classic and is number five on USAToday.com's list of Top 10 Commercials Of All Time. Three elderly women spend the spot messing around with a tiny hamburger patty on a large bun. While the two on the left continually comment about the bun, the third woman, 81-year-old Clara Peller, wants to know where the beef is. Yes, Clara is the "Where's the beef?" lady.

There were a fewother commercials made staring the trio, but none of the other ladies found as much fame as Clara. I challenge you to even find their names. "Where's the beef?" took the nation by storm. It even had it's own song by Coyote McCloud. Her fame also ended up being her undoing. In a commercial for Prego spaghetti sauce Clara exclaimed, "I found it." This phrase didn't catch on, apart from people who had just found something they lost, and her original employer didn't appreciate that Clara would find meat anywhere else besides between Wendy's buns. With that, Mrs. Peller disappeared from the airwaves and the public's consciousness.

A quick search of the internet will turn up quite a bit about the "Where's the beef?" ads and Clara Peller. One thing I remember reading about when the commercial first aired was that Clara was almost completely deaf and a bit senile. During the filming of the spots there was always someone crouched down next to her that would tap her leg when it was time to deliver her lines. And I thought my job was bad.

I'd like to end today with this thought. What is that big gray thing behind the women? Are they booths or is it a board for a giant game of tic tac toe?

Ballad Of The Broken Bucket

2006-11-15T13:07:00.000-05:00

Liza squinted her eyes against the harsh fluorescent lighting. "Why did I take a job that starts so early," she mumbled to herself. Taking a job stocking shelves at the local, big chain hardware store seemed like a good at the time, but she didn't factor in the customers. All employees were required to answer any questions the customers wandering the aisles might have. She hated it. Try as she could to blend into the shelves she was stocking but the brightly colored vest made Liza stand out like a sore thumb. That is how he spotted her. She could hear his slow shuffle coming towards her and turned to face him. Might as well get this over with, she thought.

"Excuse me," the man began while staring at her chest.

"Please be reading my name tag," she repeated to herself over and over.

"Liza," he continued, now making eye contact. "I have a bit of a problem. I've got a bucket that is in need of repair. There is a hole in the bucket."

"Well, sir," Liza began.

"Please, call me Henry," Henry interrupted.

"Ok, Henry. You might be able to find a dowel that you could use to plug up the hole. I believe they are in aisle 4."

"Thank you very much, Liza," Henry said as he shuffled off towards the dowels.

Liza when back to what she did best, piling things on shelves without rhyme or reason. The best part about the job was being able to let her mind drift. As long as no customers bothered her, Liza could work through an entire day without realizing it. Even now a half hour had passed without her noticing.

"Excuse me, Liza." Liza was shocked back to her senses and turned to see Henry standing there. "It seems I overestimated the size of the hole and ended up buying a dowel that is too big."

Liza waved towards the front of the store. "They should be able to help you at the customer service desk. You can exchange it for one that is a better size."

"Ah, but I left the dowel at home. I wonder what else could be done," Henry inquired.

"Well, Henry, you could cut the dowel so it would fit."

"That’s a fine idea."

"Axe and saws are in aisle 12," Liza indicated with a sweeping arc of her hand.

"Thank you again, Liza," Henry explained as he wandered off to make another purchase.

A half-hour later Liza was stocking a different shelf, but that didn't stop her new best friend.

"There you are, Liza. You won't believe what happened," Henry said. "I was looking at the axes when I realized I already have one at home, but when I got home and the thing was duller than a butter knife. I was hoping you might have a solution."

Liza irritation was starting to show. "Why don't you sharpen it, Henry?"

"Another great idea. How would I..."

Liza cut him off, "Sharpening stones are in aisle 12 next to the axes."

"You've been very helpful," Henry returned.

A half hour later, Liza was scrambling to hide. She turned a corner and nearly ran into Henry. My watch must be slow, she thought.

"Liza, just the person I was looking for," Henry exclaimed.

"Hello, Henry."

"The sharpening stone I bought doesn't seem to work. The axe is still dull."

"Did you follow the instructions," Liza asked. "I think you need to wet the stone."

"Ahh."

"With water," Liza clarified.

"Now that's a problem," Henry said. "You see there's a hole in my bucket, Liza."

Liza could feel something snap. "Why don't you buy a new bucket, Henry," she screamed. With the weight of all the eyes in the store on her, Liza mumbled, "I guess it's time to find a new job."

Saucy Sauce Sayings

2006-11-14T13:31:00.000-05:00

Over a year ago Taco Bell did something to forever alter its fast food landscape. No, not the almost complete extinction of the Chili Cheese Burrito, I'm talking about the inspiring words now found on their sauce packets. Words the suits at Taco Bell headquarters like to call "Sauce Wisdom" even though I've yet to have them impart any real wisdom.

Here is the batch I got during the last run to the border. I've seen them countless times before, but for some reason this time I started to wonder who comes up with these insane ramblings. A quick search brought me the answer. You do. Not you personally, but you meaning society at large.

Last May Taco Bell held a contest for customers to submit their own pieces of sauce wisdom to grace the next batch of packets. Lured by the offer of a free year of food, thousands of people offered up their creative sayings. In the end only twelve were deemed sauce worthy. Let's take a look at what people, who by now are vowing to never eat at Taco Bell again, came up with.

Bike tires scare me – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one really makes me think. Is it a personal confession of a madman or a look at the inner thoughts of sauce come to life? Either way I can't see what would make bike tires so frightening.

Hello – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.) and A. Franklin (Lakeland, Fla.)
Two people were able to come up with this bit of wisdom. I'd say it could be made even better by adding a question mark. Hello?

I M A HOT T R U 2? – M. Carson (East Wenatchee, Wash.)
I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that the M stands for Missy. Letters and numbers aren't words. They are used to build words. Just like vegetables aren't food, they're what food eats.

I’m in good hands now – B. Sonderegger (Irvine, Calif.)
This one makes no sense. What kind of good hands would rip you open and squirt your innards on their lunch?

It’s okay, you can say it. I love you too. – D. Kortenhoeven (Colorado Springs, Colo.)
I'm not sure what D. Kortenhoeven does with his sauce packets, but I don't think I want to know about it. Kortenhoeven: the funny name that's fun to say. Kortenhoeven.

Mmmmmmm... Sauce – T. Stuckey (Smyrna, Ga.) and C. Underhill (White House, Tenn.)
Only two people thought this one up and they were probably writers for the Simpsons using assumed names. You're not fooling anyone Mr. Underhill. Not only did you steal a fake name from a famous book, everyone knows the White House is in Washington D.C., not Tennessee.

My sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School – C. Kemmerer (Cocoa Beach, Fla.)
Ha, it's funny because it's like those bumper stickers. Your precious sauce is in my stomach now. How do you like that?

Not to be used as a flotation device – T. Coleman (Indianapolis, Ind.)
My goal is to gather enough packets with this saying to build a raft and sail to T. Coleman's house, which is hopefully located on the only river I could find running through Indianapolis, the White River.

Pick me! Pick me! – S. Campbell (Mesa, Ariz.), C. Gierhart (Clyde, Ohio), D. Gray (Louisville, Ky.), J. Scoyni (Bakersfield, Calif.) and A. Teraberry (Scottsdale, Ariz.)
I'm not sure if that was their saying or if they just wanted free food, but it worked for five pople.

When I grow up I want to be a waterbed – J. Rydman (Alameda, Calif.)
This entry wins the non sequitur award. Even the bike tire comment makes a little bit of sense. Unless J. Rydman is implying that Taco Bell's sauce is watery and bland. They probably work for Del Taco.

Where are you taking me? – K. Moody (Arlington, Tenn.)
Paranoia in food products is something we don't see enough of. I can see it now. Popsicles that reveal "What have you done?" printed on the stick. Potato chips that have little unhappy faces printed on them.

You had me at taco. – L. Hunt (West Monroe, La.)
Another gem. A butchered version of a lame quote from an eight year old movie. I wonder if the contest was flooded with so many bad movie quotes like this that the judges just gave up and picked one at random. I find it hard to believe they wouldn't have picked "Throw me the taco, I throw you the sauce." or "May the sauce be with you." if they were an option.

There you have the twelve winners of the "Share Your Sauce Wisdom" contest. Strangely I never heard about this contest while it was running. Either it wasn't heavily promoted or I don't pay enough attention. Maybe they'll try it again this year. I'm tired of reading the same phrases and they've proved that they're too lazy to think up their own.

Behind The Pixels: The Rise And Fall Of Peter Pepper

2006-11-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

The video game era brought with it fame and fortune for those that sought it. Ordinary people with humble beginnings found themselves a household name. But for every star that continues to shine, such as the Mushroom Kingdom's Mario, there are countless others that fade just as quickly as they appeared. Peter Pepper is one such star.

Growing up Peter was fascinated by food. He'd spend hours creating realistic looking three course meals out of clay. It wasn't until a schoolyard friend said of his creations that they looked good enough to eat that an idea sparked in his head. With an overturned cardboard box on the street corner and some clay, paste and crayon shavings, Peter began selling his non-toxic foodstuffs to kids hungry for more than the usual mud pie and worm spaghetti. Soon the line stretched around the block and Peter was struggling to keep up with demand. Seeing the look of happiness on his customers face filled him with satisfaction. It was then that Peter made it his goal to feed the world.

Knowing what you want to do and actually doing it isn't always an easy task as Peter found out. He spent a few years at college taking a variety of courses. Anything that he thought would help him to reach for his dream. The few people he told about his goal laughed and made fun of him. So it was that Peter decided the best course of action would be to just start trying. With the last of his money, he bought an old run down warehouse to be the center of his food empire.

After months of experimentation and quite a few failed projects, Peter made a breakthrough. Giant hamburgers. They weren't your ordinary "you'll need two hands to eat it" burger though. Each was as tall as a man and almost twelve feet in diameter. A single burger could feed everyone in a normal sized town. Unable to pay for employees, Peter setup a complex system of scaffolding and platforms to allow him to efficiently complete the growing number of orders.

But then one night something very strange happened. An unpredicted electrical storm loomed over the town and struck the warehouse. Peter's failed experiments left to rot in the corner came to life like a bad science fiction movie. Oversized hot dogs, eggs and pickles were soon shuffling around inexplicably hungry for human flesh. Peter tried to defend himself from the mindless food horde while trying to complete the next day's orders. Even throwing spices in their faces and crushing them beneath the giant meat patties wasn't enough. Peter managed to escape, but the rampaging food zombies broke a gas line. The resulting explosion destroyed the warehouse and Peter's dreams.

The odd tragedy made national news and soon Peter found himself awash in offers, from head chef at national renown restaurants, to cookbook deals and even a made for TV movie. One deal was even so strange that Peter thought it was the perfect fit for this bizarre occurrence. So it was that Burgertime found its way into arcades across the nation.

With his new found fame and fortune, Peter was on top of the world. Money from the video game deal and the insurance on the warehouse was more than enough for him to start over. This time he'd start off a bit slower in order to build up more capital before unleashing the forces needed to feed the world. His first venture was to start up his own chain of restaurants, Peter Pepper's Burger Factory. The interiors were designed as imitations of the platform and scaffolding construction he had built in the warehouse. Each table had its own dumb waiter that would lower the food down to the customers and the servers were dressed as the food-come-to-life that had threatened his that one stormy night. The menu consisted of miniature versions of his giant hamburgers. Even at this reduced size they were still large enough to fill a whole plate.

Peter got so consumed in his burger vision that he forgot about the dream that started him on this path. The public growing bored with burgers hunted for the next cool place to eat. Within two years of opening its doors the Burger Factories closed down. Peter, along with his dwindling fortune, disappeared from the public's eye. He spent the next few years traveling from place to place, gathering up local recipes.

The last known sighting of Mr. Pepper was on the hit Japanese show Iron Chef. Peter was slated to become one of the iron chefs, Iron Chef Burger, but never appeared in more than his debut episode where he suffered a terrible loss. When asked to comment Peter had this to say: "I hate that Chairman Kaga. What kind of secret ingredient is asparagus anyway? How am I supposed to make burgers with that? He's just mad that I switched out one of his peppers with one made out of wax. How was I supposed to know he was going to take a big bite out of it? He's not even a real chairman." With that Peter Pepper, his burgers, and dreams of feeding the world disappeared.

Travesty In Translation Town

2006-11-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever scoured the internet for a tiny morsel of information only to find what you need on a page of incomprehensible gibberish, due to a foreign language and not because of the fact that the author has yet to grasp the subtleties of the English language. Luckily there are countless pages that will help you translate those funny squiggles into something you can read. They can also be a secret source of entertainment when you have some free time and you just can't take another round of solitaire. Let me welcome you the sometimes odd world of computer translation.

I took a simple nursery rhyme and translated it to a different language. Then I took that translation and translated it back to English. With a perfect program the English should be close to the same, but the translation programs available today are far from perfect. To add to the effect I repeated the process three times. Let's take a look at the results. First is the original English.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

I went with the standard Jack and Jill. If it's simple enough for kids, a translation program should have no trouble with it. Right?

Portuguese
Jack and Jill had been above of the set that looks at a bucket of the water. Jack fell for point low and broke its crown. Jill came falling after that this this.

If Jack is in love with "point low", if that even is its real name, why did he break its crown. It must be one of those playground romances. Is this this some sort of dog breed?

Spanish
Gato and Jill went in the hill to bring a bucket of the water. The cat fell down and broke its crown. Jill came more next falling.

Gato is filling in for Jack. With a name like that you can tell he loves cats. He even brought one with them to explore the giant hole in the hill. Unfortunately, it was a pit trap and the cat didn't make it. Since Jill was only more next to fall I have to assume Gato jumped in after his beloved pet.

French
Jack and Jill assembled the hill to seek a bucket of water. Jack fell at the bottom and broke its crown. Jill came dégringolant then.

Always the do-it-yourselfers Jack and Jill built their own hill in order to fulfill their water quest. Jack couldn't even get to the top before he managed to hurt himself. Being the smart one, Jill took a blimp to the top.

Dutch
The jacket and Jill hillock of a bucket will obtain water. The linker fall below the jacket and discontinuance crown is. Jill came afterwards tumbling.

Jack finally left Jill due to her being a hillock of a bucket. I can finally rest easy though knowing that the thing at the end of a zipper is called the linker.

German
Jack and Jill rose to the tub of the water too receive hills. Jack fell down and broke its crown. Jill came to it stolpernd.

There is no hope for humanity if even machines can't be taught the difference between "to" and "too". That Jill. She's always stolpernd.

Italian
Jack and Jill have gone on the hill to take one bucket of the water. Jack has fallen and has broken the advanced part relative. Jill has falling come after.

No wonder Jack and Jill are always trudging up that hill. They're only allowed one bucket at a time. Now Jack will have to spend the day at the hardware store looking for a new advanced part. At least he didn't break his crown.

Greek
The Jack and that of Jill I go up the hill for what I bring a water of buckets. The Jack fell under and this broke his crown. The Jill came falling then.

There isn't a noun that doesn't seem more impressive when you put "the" in front of it. We're also treated to the autobiographical version of the story.

Russian
Jack and Jill send upward by hill fetch the pail of water. Jack it was lowered it downward and it were broken its crown. Jill arrived rushashchsya in pozhe.

In Soviet Russia hill sends you for water. It's nice to see that by fetching her own water Jill was able to afford a Porsche. Oh wait, it's just a generic knock off.

Chinese
Jake and Jill climb the hill to bring the barrel water. Jake tumbled and has broken his crown. Jill will be newest future tumbles.

The truth is Jack and Jill were not friends but bitter rivals competing for a place on the gymnastics team. After an unfortunate "accident", Jill manages to secure her spot on the team.

Korean
It brought the Jack inside order and the hill which is contiguous the Jill funeral with high formation matched inside the pail of the adjacent waters which is contiguous. The Jack came down on lower part and it intercepted his crown. It inside the Jill came down after.

A simple task of fetching water became a nightmare of terror. "It" had already managed to get Jill. Jack fought to escape, but it had the crown.

Japanese
Jill where that did and takes the bucket of the hill and the water Jack it came. At the time of Jack? That crown had been broken. Jill rear movement, it goes back and forth.

I will leave you with this haiku: The time of Jack comes. Broken crowns will be repaired. Jill walks sexily.

Can't Sleep Cows'll Eat Me

2006-11-11T09:18:00.000-05:00

Cows. I'm not quite sure when my obsession with them began but I'm pretty sure Gary Larson had a hand in it. How can you not like cows? They're funny to look at and they taste great both in solid and liquid form. But I've often wondered if they ever get tired of people yelling "Moo" at them as they speed along the highway. I recently found my answer. Cows invaded my city. Sure it was promoted as all in good fun, even going as far as calling it "Cow Parade", but I knew the horrible truth. The cows were coming to extract their revenge. Let's take a look as some of the more devious infiltrators.

Some cows went for the obvious route of just putting on human clothing in an attempt to fit in. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a cow sitting on a park bench in the middle of downtown, but it's not the most inconspicuous thing. The second cow may have had more luck had he not covered himself in Silly Putty and rolled around on the newspaper.

Another cow thought he'd infiltrate society in a civil servant job. I'm not sure how he filled out the job application without opposable thumbs but he managed to get a job with the post office. He thought it was the perfect cover. He didn't take into account the dogs. No one ever does.

While cows have a hard time passing themselves off as humans, they do much better impersonating everyday objects. Woe is the drunk that stumbles up to this bar. You would think that the fact that it only serves moo-tinis would clue them in to the lurking dangers though. Not so much with the so called rollercowster. It even has all the proper safety harnesses. Sure the cow looks like it's having fun, but that tongue isn't dangling in the breeze as it flies down the tracks. It's licking its lips, having devoured another helpless soul in the search of an E-ticket good time.

World domination isn't a solo job. Why do you think all those James Bond villains never manage it? Cows have studied this and know they'll need some help. Some cows found a helping hand in the form of bears. Don't laugh. Bears are considered the ninjas of the animal world. How else do you think Yogi gets all those picnic baskets?

So far the attempts that we've seen have been pretty mild, but now things have changed. I managed to stumble across the training grounds for the cow special forces teams. Why disguise yourself as a human or object when you can just disappear? At least that's what the recruitment posters said. The cows in training haven't quite made it to that point but they're getting there. Their specialty is camouflage. Next time you water the plants around the office keep your eyes open.

I've saved the most horrific revelation for the end, since if I had made it in the beginning you may not have kept reading. The cows have developed weapons and it's not just rocks or sticks or rocks tied to sticks. It's much worse. Cow bombers. Take a guess at what they use for ammunition. Yeah. And you though birds were bad. To make matters worse there are even some cows that have learned to shoot lasers from their eyes. We're doomed.

Though there may be a ravenous herd of cows seeking our destruction, through all the horror I managed to catch a glimpse of one cow that knew its place in the world. That cow could serve as a shining beacon of hope for all of mankind.

Commercial Break

2006-11-10T15:46:00.000-05:00

In order to promote their new website, the Discovery family of channels, of which there are a surprising number, ran a commercial about it almost every break. I looked forward to it every time. Whoever designed the ad knew trying to sell a website would be difficult without a hook. Their hook was to make a commercial that appeared to have been put together in an hour using people they pulled off the street. All three commercials followed a similar format. People dressed in strange costumes would greet each other, talk about the website, and then something bad usually happened. Sounds boring? Just you wait.

First up is a spot staring partially eaten fish who reside in the stomach of a great white shark. Oddly this was my least favorite of the three. The fish meet each other and talk about all the wonderful things that can be found on discovery.com. Unlike the other ads though, there is no tragedy that strikes. Instead a third fish slides down the tube in the back to announce, "They even have the news and weather." For a long time there was debate on if that third fish was Gary Coleman. We still don't know the answer.

The next ad features a pair of mosquitoes having lunch on someone's arm. I am almost at a loss as to how to even begin to describe what is going on in this commercial. The costumes are over the top, bulbous affairs, with multiple arms, wings, bug eye goggles, and even a giant straw. The people inside the suits seem to be channeling Rick Moranis' portrayal of Louis Tully in Ghostbusters. At the start of the spot the two bugs get lowered on wires to the arm landscape, at which point one of the mosquitoes loses his footing and plows into the other one. They then manage to greet each other without entangling their multiple arms and begin discussing the finer points of the website. The first mosquito talks about how discovery.com is great source of travel information. The second mosquito delivers the highlight of the commercial in a loveless monotone, "I love to travel." The whole thing wraps up with a giant hand coming down and crushing the screaming second bug while the first makes its escape. There won't be any more traveling for that fella.

Finally we come to my favorite of the three. While it's not as outlandish as the mosquitoes, it has the better ending. This time the spokesthings are giant space rocks. "Hello, Meteor," they greet each other. The rest of the conversation is about how discovery.com is their guidebook for life and all the practical things they learned, one of those things being that most meteors burn up in Earth's atmosphere. On cue the space scene behind them changes to show the approaching Earth and the rock suits burst into flame. Their deadpan reactions would make even Steven Wright proud. "Ahhh, the atmosphere." Ah, indeed.

So there you have it. The commercials have long since disappeared off the air, but you should be able to track them down with a little bit of searching if you've never seen them. Keep an eye out forth one, which is an outtake from the mosquito commercial. It's thirty seconds of one of the mosquitoes flailing around on the wires while the other stands there looking not amused. If all commercials were like that one maybe more people would watch them.

Update:
Again YouTube comes to the rescue. Here are all the commercials for your viewing enjoyment.

Hello, Partially Eaten Fish

Hello, Mosquito

Hello, Meteor

Mosquito Outakes

He Is Ollie, You Are Sven

2006-11-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

Kid shows are a dime a dozen, but how do you measure their true success? By the number of toys? In most cases the toys come first in the creation process. The true measure of success is having a music album, whether it's the disco stylings of Sesame Street Fever or the new wave waves of Chipmunk Punk. No, I did not just make those up.

Using this theory it should come as no surprise that there is a CD out there with Ren & Stimpy's faces on it. They soared to popularity in the early 90's, teaching teenagers to love cartoons again, and that not all toons need to be a thirty minute commercials or involve dropping anvils on people's heads. The show has a turbulent past that I won't get into today. Instead it's all about the music and an in-depth review of all twenty-one tracks of You Eediot!

The Whistler / Overture - In the introductory track Stimpy pleads with Ren to listen to his new record with all his favorite songs. Amazingly enough Stimpy's new purchase is the album we're already listening to. I'm not sure if this is meant to lure the listener into thinking they are listening along with the duo, or if it's some strange time paradox.

Dog Pound Hop - This is an extended version of the opening theme song for the show. Or maybe the theme song is a shortened version of Dog Pound Hop. In either case, this song is also used during the big party scene at the pound in the first episode, Big House Blues. I put a party hat on my dog in an effort to see if he'd start dancing to its rhythmic beat, but he just sat on the couch licking himself.

Muddy Mudskipper Theme - Who's the greatest mudskipper of them all? Since I only know one, Muddy, he wins by default. This is another song that actually came from the show, so any regular viewers probably have it stuck in their head by now. He's got segmented eyes.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy - If you know only one Ren & Stimpy song it's probably this one. Had I been an elitist snob I probably would have turned my nose up and the influx of new fans that were lured in by this catchy tune. Who am I kidding? I did turn my nose up at them. Just a little. Without them though there probably wouldn't have been half of the merchandise that made it to the shelves and I never would have learned the joy a plush Stimpy with a whoopee cushion inside can bring.

Firedogs - Finally the first mostly original track appears. I say mostly since the song has never appeared in an episode, but the majority of the song is quotes from the Firedogs episode peppered with lyrics that warn, "watch out for those firedogs." Meh.

Better Than No One - This is an original song. It starts out as a tap dance number and quickly becomes a duet where the pair declares their friendship. At least Stimpy does by claiming no one is better than Ren. Ren on the other hand can only label Stimpy as better than no one. Sort of like this CD so far. It's better than silence.

Nose Goblins - I'm not even sure how to describe this one. Singing boogers. That's the best I can do. The music sounds like something you'd hear in a dark club where everyone is wearing berets and snapping their approval.

Smokin' - It's more of the same jazzy style music from Nose Goblins without all the pesky lyrics. If heard on it's own there would be no way anyone would associate this song with Ren & Stimpy. We're barely half way though and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Log Blues / Log Theme - Whoever decided the track order for this album was a genius. After almost fifteen minutes of garbage, this ray of light shines through. It's an ad for International Log complete with the Log jingle, which was just a rip off of the old slinky jingle.

Captain's Log / Space Madness - When you title a song after what has to be one of my favorite episodes my expectations are going to be pretty high. Instead I'm presented with a song similar to Firedogs. Music, very similar to Dog Pound Hop, plays while quotes from the episode are heard. The quotes do include Ren's rambling about his ice cream bar, which in reality is a bar of soap, but they leave out the part where he take a giant bite out of it.

Sven Theme - It's another music/episode quotes track. This one is actually above average though since the music is completely different from anything heard so far. It's polka. Could you expect anything less from a name like Sven? Most of the quotes involve Stimpy goofing around with Ren's idiot cousin, Sven. While the quotes come directly from the episode, without the corresponding visuals lines like "Wow, it's so big." and "Do you want to see mine?" feel a bit creepy.

Sven Blues - This is little more than an introduction for the next song. Sven and Stimpy spend their rainy day digging though the closet for something to play. They come up with...

Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence - I don't remember if this jingle was actually in the episode, but if it was I know it wasn't the complete song presented here. When only the best in toilet humor will do, be sure to choose Ren & Stimpy.

Ren's Pecs - Stimpy sings about missing his friend now that Ren has his fancy pectoral implants and has moved to Hollywood. It's creepily sad.

I'm Gonna Be A Monkey - Another catchy tune that did make it to air at least in part. I don't remember why they disguised themselves as monkeys but Stimpy is excited about the lessons Ren is about to give on how to be a monkey. How did Ren become an expert on monkeys? He's seen every Tarzan movie ever made.

Filthy's Dance - I don't know why these weren't all one track, but this is a continuation of the monkey song. Ren begins his lesson by showing Stimpy how to swing around like a monkey. Unfortunately Ren's no monkey and finds himself crashing to the floor, or maybe into a wall, the sound effect doesn't clarify.

Jungle Boogie - No, Kool & The Gang haven't found their way onto a kid's album. This track is Stimpy chance to imitate Ren's fancy monkey maneuvers complete with a crash at the end.

Dizzy Monkey - A short reprise of Gonna Be A Monkey by a dizzy Ren and Stimpy. So ends the monkey saga.

Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksman - This was the next big song at the time this album came out. I don't think it ever found the amount of popularity that Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy did, but they tried.

The Whistler / Underture - Similar to the Overture, this is another talking track. In a throwback to the closing scenes from some of the early episodes, Ren and Stimpy are saying goodbye, with Stimpy getting upset. To make him feel better Ren suggests he could listen to the record again. I think I'll sit this one out.

Big House Blues - It's an extended version of the credits song from the show. I'd like some credit that I made it through this whole thing.

Was it really that bad? It's nothing more than I'd expect from an album from a show that only has a handful of memorable songs. Granted all those songs are on there, but it's the filler that drags everything down. If you need to be able to hear Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy over and over again, though, I would highly recommend it.

The Big Breakfast Table In The Sky

2006-11-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

The grocery store cereal aisle is a continuously altering landscape. Boxes adorned with popular icons will eventually disappear to be replaced by the next rising star of children's entertainment. So, if you think you might crave Shrek cereal twenty years from now you better stock up. Even the veterans feel the effects of change, whether it's something as simple as a change in the toy prize you find covered in sugar dust at the bottom of the box, or a massive overhaul to the crunchy bits themselves. I'll miss you old Trix, even if you did look like rainbow colored rabbit turds.

While my main breakfast staple continues to be cereal, I try to avoid the aisle fads, most of which don't even get a spot on the shelves. They're just stacked up in lonely piles at the end of the aisles. Even if they are tasty I don't want to get my hopes up over something that probably won't be there the next time I shop. Plus it looks a bit odd to be buying Yu-Gi-Oh's with no kids in sight. Although my adult mind has been able to evade an dependence to something that will eventually let me down, I wasn't as smart when I was a kid. There are a few cereals that even now I crave.

First on the list is Smurfberry Crunch, an offering from those tiny, mushroom dwelling, blue folk. Sadly, other than my devotion to it I can remember very little about it. The most prominent thing being that it managed to make the list of cereals for whatever reason I was not allowed to have. Along with Fruity Pebbles, this was a treat only available at my grandparents' house. I can't even remember what it tasted like. My brain insists that it tasted similar to crunchberries, but after almost thirty years together I know better than to trust it. However it tastes I'm sure it wouldn't live up to twenty years of expectations. It is interesting to note how the whole vibe of the cereal would have been different had Gargamel been on the cover instead of Papa Smurf.

Next up is an item from the Krispies boom of the 80's. It seems Kellogg decided to boost their lineup of Rice and Cocoa Krispies, by adding newcomers Frosted and Marshmallow. Frosted Krispies seemed to be a bit of overkill since any self respecting kid already dumped enough sugar on Rice Krispies to create a veritable snowfield. Marshmallow Krispies on the other hand were a stroke of genius. On the outside, they appeared to be nothing special, just ordinary Rice Krispies with some plain looking marshmallows. Joined together these two forces ruled my breakfast empire. It was a sad day when it finally vanished from the shelves.

I can understand why Smurfberry Crunch went missing, since it was directly tied to a cartoon, but what went wrong with Marshmallow Krispies? With all the rice based cereals out there, why aren't there any that have the delicious marbits that I crave? I blame the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles foray into the breakfast aisle. TMNT cereal is best described as Rice Chex with marshmallows. Unfortunately in Ralston's quest to make the cereal more kid friendly they covered the chex pieces with a sugary shellac. That may seem like a good thing, but instead of adding a boost of sweetness, this glossy coating made the cereal impervious to milk. The end result was a cereal so sharp and crunchy it made Cap'n Crunch seem like melted butter. Rice and marshmallows never saw each other again.

Lastly we have that which I crave the most, Magic Middles. I know what you're thinking. Indeed Magic Middles were not cereal. They were fudge filled cookies of both the chocolate chip and shortbread variety. More importantly the shortbread version also came in a mini size. I'm not sure what inspired me but one day I put about a dozen of the miniature cookies in a bowl and covered them in milk. Not surprisingly their dense fudge center kept them from floating. There submerged beneath the milk the cookies were transformed into something words cannot even begin to describe, but it was the most incredible thing I have ever had for breakfast. I've held out hope for years that Magic Middles would resurface, but it doesn't look too promising since Keebler has started to reuse the name for cookies that don't even come close to the originals.

There are many more cereals that have come and gone that held a place at my breakfast table but these are the three that continue to haunt me. Were they really as good as I remember? Who knows? There will never be another chance to find out, unless of course practical time travel becomes a reality in my lifetime. I don't have my hopes up though.

The Author Exposed

2006-11-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. What? Election Day? Does all the talk of old toys, candy and commercials make you think this is a political blog? No, today is the 31st anniversary of my existence. I bet you forgot to get me something. That's ok. Allow me to give you a present instead, but just remember you have to do the same on your Birthday.

You may have tried looking at my profile to gain some insight on the man behind the blog, or at the very least to compare my photo to the post office wanted posters, only to be disappointed by the lack of info. So far I've done my best to keep myself anonymous, but today my gift to you is photographic proof that I am real.

Truthfully the photo is a little out of date. And before you make fun of my clothes, keep in mind it was the 70's and I probably wasn't old enough to dress myself. That still doesn't explain the mask. Is that monkey wearing lipstick?

A Lesson In Faulty Advertising And Disappointment

2006-11-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

I've had something on my mind for quite some time. Even with the vast resources of the internet at my disposal I haven't managed to unearth any information in my quest. I had even begun to question whether I had made up one of my fondest childhood memories. Then over the holidays while searching my parents attic for some of my old toys I stumbled across a box full of old papers, which not only exposed that my pack rat ways began at a young age but also contained proof that my memories weren't false after all. Join me now as we travel back in time to not only expose one of my greatest disappointments but also help those that may be googling Transformers: The Movie mail-in get the information they're looking for.

As a kid, getting mail outside of the normal card giving holidays was a big deal, especially if it was actually addressed to you instead of just saying current resident. When something from the Transformers showed up with my name on it, my young mind was blown. I recall getting this before having heard any mention of the upcoming movie and the onslaught of trailers during every commercial break. My days and nights were spent analyzing the mysteries within. Even looking at it now brings back a flood of nostalgic memories. The only difference now is that I can see the gigantic marketing ploy that I fell for as a kid. Let's take a closer look at this mysterious booklet.

Even the outside of this booklet was pretty amazing. While most mail comes in a boring envelopes that at most might have an interesting stamp or post mark, the people at Hasbro spared no expense. They also spoiled what might have been their greatest plot twist with putting a transformed Unicron right on the cover. I guess they figured kids wouldn't figure out the giant planet called Unicron had any connection with the robot of the same name. For the kids that weren't lured in by the pretty pictures on the front, the back of the booklet was covered with bullet points that would surely appeal to their more analytical mind. It also promised "Transformers Excitement." What I want to know is why didn't that little robot posing as the postage appear in the movie? I would have bought a Bulky figure.

The first fold of the booklet exposes a tantalizing taste of what to expect if we convinced our parents to shell out the money for movie tickets. A giant planet muncher will threaten Cybertron, Optimus Prime might be a wuss, Megatron is still evil, but may join forces with Unicron in order to work the buddy sitcom angle, and the chosen one will rescue them all as long as he realizes he's the chosen one. The page is bursting with shocking revelations but my attention was always drawn to the picture in the upper left. Who were all these robots and what happened to all the regulars? The new wave of movie transformers hit the shelves just before the movie was out, so at least the who question was answered. As to all the regulars, the first five minutes of the movie would take care of the what question. They're all dead.

The next fold opened to the hidden agenda of this booklet. Buy our stuff. It actuality it wasn't too different from the little pamphlet that came stuffed in the transformer boxes offering goodies in exchange for robot points with the exception of two major changes. It was quite a bit larger and it offered something those pamphlets never could. It offered up the leaders of the warring factions, Optimus Prime and Megatron. Why is this a big deal? Couldn't these very figures be found in any toy store? Look a little more carefully. What is offered here is the "movie version" of both Prime and Meggy. Also notice that anywhere it appears "movie version" is always in quotes. You'll find out why soon enough.

Of course I had been taken in by the entire production. Who knew a piece of folded paper could be so persuasive? I don't remember how much begging I had to do but I eventually struck a deal that enabled me to get one of these fabulous "movie version" offerings. Considering I had neither as a plain regular version it must have been a difficult decision. I opted for Megatron since my Decepticon roster was a little slim and I figured maybe a bit of leadership would help boost morale. Points collected and shipping paid, all I had to do was sit back and wait for my prize.

For six to eight weeks my mind worked overtime to imagine what would make my new acquisition so special as to earn the title of "movie version." Then the deluge of trailers began. It didn't take many viewings of a cracked and broken down Megatron announcing, "it's over Prime," before I worked out what would make my toy the most coveted of the schoolyard. Battle damage. I could hardly contain my glee when one fine day, a large brown box with my name on it showed up at our door. Was it everything I had hoped for?

If there really were versions of Optimus Prime and Megatron with intricately detailed battle damage, wouldn't word have spread to kids across the country side, and eventually fetched a king's ransom on eBay? What I found inside that plain box was a very ordinary Megatron. The only thing that marked him as a "movie version" was a little certificate and a very large sticker that I wound up putting on the inside of his leg. Sure I was disappointed at first, but a new toy was a new toy. Soon Megtron was leading his outnumbered Decepticons to victory. I don't remember how the storyline of owning both Megatron and Galvatron played out though.

Twenty years later I can see Hasbro's motivation behind all of this. Kids wouldn't want to buy the toy of a dead leader when Galvatron and Rodimus Prime are on the shelves. The only way to empty the warehouses of old stock was to offer the corpses as special versions. I'm not sure how many other kids fell for their trap. It couldn't be many, since my meager internet search didn't turn up even a scrap. Now, thanks to my pack rat ways and my massive stash of toys in my parent's attic, the story can be told.

The Further Adventures Of Fuzzy Wuzzy

2006-11-05T09:04:00.000-05:00

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. That is to say he is a bear. You see Fuzzy Wuzzy isn't dead nor has his condition, which we will discuss in a moment, changed the core of his being. If you put a suit and tie on a duck and send him to Wall Street, he's still a duck. I would expect an unexpected rise in cracker stock though. So too is Fuzzy still a bear. He spends his days enjoying bear activities such as eating honey, long winter naps, and mauling tourists for their picnic baskets.

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. No one is quite sure about the cause of this problem and, being a bear, Fuzzy isn't much on small talk. Is it some strange skin condition? Obsessive-compulsive shaving taken to the extreme? No one knows, except for Fuzzy's barber and he ain't talking. At least he wasn't talking until I slid a little money his way. According to him, Fuzzy comes in at least once a week and asks for a little off the top. The barber, unsure of where the top ends and the bottom begins, just shaves it all off. So far Fuzzy has never complained.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy was he? This is a lie. Depending on the growth rate of bear hair and his frequency of barber visits there is a good chance that Fuzzy would be come just that. Of course he'd probably also become itchy. Maybe Itchy Ritchie would be a better name.

The Land Of Chocolate

2006-11-04T08:38:00.000-05:00

Hershey, Pennsylvania calls itself the sweetest place on Earth. Don't take the name too literally. A mouthful of Hershey dirt will still pretty much taste like dirt. Although the streetlights are giant Hershey kisses and if you're lucky you may catch the scent of chocolate in the air, probably because there is a giant chocolate factory in the middle of downtown, which is the source of the smell not the streetlights. If you haven't guessed by now the name isn't just coincidental, this town is the birthplace of Hershey chocolate. It's also home to an amusement park called Rutger's Fantastilogical World Of Wonderfillicity And Adventurtainment. Ok, it's really just called Hersheypark.

In its beginnings Hersheypark was just that, a park. There was even a space in its name. Hershey park. See. It was built by Hershey's founder Milton, as place for his employees to relax and have fun. Eventually ol' Milt realized park benches aren't the best rides and built a few, with the first two being a merry-go-round and a carrousel. I know what you're thinking. "Aren't those the same ride?" Look, I'm just reading from the history books, ok? Anyway, those rides then multiplied into what the park is today. Amusement park rides are like bunnies that way. Instead of going into more detail about the park itself, since that isn't what I meant to talk about today, I'm going to focus on something else. Just outside of the park entrance is a building which is often overlooked by the people in a hurry to be strapped to a steal beast and flung into the air. Inside is a magical land where chocolate dreams come true. It's also free.

No trip to Hersheypark is complete without a stop at Chocolate World. It's part information center, part shopping center, part entertainment center. That's a lot of parts and centers. A lot has been added to Chocolate World over the years. There is a food court that manages to serve things other than chocolate and a gift shop area that does sell chocolate along with t-shirts and stuffed renditions of Hershey products come to life. Even more recent additions include a 3-D movie and something called Factory Works, which appears to be an interactive walkthrough factory something-or-other. But the most important thing in Chocolate World is the thing that has been there the longest. Now that the building is so full of other attractions it's been given its own name. To many Chocolate World is synonymous with what is now known as the Chocolate Tour Ride.

A long time ago actual tours were held in the Hershey factory but too many people were drowning in the chocolate river. Wait. That may have been at some other chocolate factory. Anyway, the tours in the factory stopped. If you want to tour a Hershey plant you'll have to go to Canada. Having been there through I can tell you is it overrated, both the tour and Canada. Back in the USA you'll have to settle for the simulated version of the factory found in the tour ride. I won't lie. Apart from the first time you ride it, this ride is boring. Even the first time it only keeps your attention since you're anticipating the exciting part which sadly never comes. That isn't to say that the ride can't be fun, but it will require some work on your part. Here are some tips:

First up is the queue. This is one part that has actually changed over the years. It's now been given a jungle theme. Make sure you keep making comments about the monkeys. "Do you see the monkeys?" or "Any minute the monkeys are going to come out!" are good choices. There aren't any monkeys, but you can be entertained as the confusion ripples through the line.

Once you've navigated the deadly moving floor and made it to your vehicle the journey begins. It starts off talking about the two ingredients of milk chocolate. Can you believe they're milk and chocolate? Who knew? The cocoa bean segment is not too impressive but pay close attention to the milk section. It's home to the only animatronic thing on the ride, a cow. Unfortunately it's a mute cow, so if you want to hear any mooing you'll have to do it yourself.

After the silent cow comes the best part of the ride. You get to travel through a giant roaster just like the cocoa beans. While it's only slightly warmer inside the roaster it's your job to make the car behind you think something horrible is up ahead. Tortured screams and shouts of "We're roasting!" seem to do the trick.

Now it's time to journey inside the faux factory, which is home to the next game. Who can smell the chocolate first. The winner gets bragging right for having the best olfactory senses.

You'll also find another new addition to this section. Hershey Kiss guys. They're sort of like Fry Guys but without all that hair. Whenever you see one it's your job to point it out. "Hey look, it's a Hershey Kiss guy!" It's a tough job but stick with it.

As you travel through the faketory you'll see lots of different machines that are used in the actual Hershey plant. Some of them will even look like they're really mixing up chocolate. It's your job to wonder aloud. "Do you think that's real chocolate?" I don't have the answer. If it is real chocolate I hope they change it out otherwise that is some really old chocolate.

As the tour comes to an end, you'll be bombarded by all the different candy products Hershey makes along with a really annoying song. It's really catchy though so make sure to hum it all day so it sticks in everyone's head.

Finally there is the exit, which is a long spiraling ramp that drops you into a conveniently placed gift shop. But half way down that spiral is the real treasure of chocolate world, better than the animatronic cow and even better than the roaster. It's free candy. Most of the time it's just a small Hershey bar, but being free makes it even sweeter.

So there you have it. About five hundred words too many about a place few probably care about. Sure it's boring but something keeps drawing me back there. It seems no trip to Hersheypark is complete without a stop at Chocolate World. As a kid I remember having to wait in long lines for the tram ride but now is usually pretty sparse. Oh well, that just means more free chocolate for me.

Update:
I have some sad news. Since this was written the Chocolate World's Chocolate Tour Ride has been refurbished. When I first heard the news I though it was a joke considering the grand reopening was scheduled for April 1st, but it was unfortunately true. After months of putting it off I finally went to see how drastic the changes were. When the ride was over I was left wondering what the supposed 1 million dollar budget was spent on.

That isn't to say there aren't any changes, but the factory portion is exactly the same apart from the removal of the Hershey Kiss Guys. The majority of the changes occur at the beginning and the end of the ride.

The end of the ride is still a big ad for Hershey products only now there are high tech video screens instead of the old still photos and a new even catchier song. The video screens flash the names of different cities so feel free to claim "Hey, I'm from " as they come up.

The biggest change comes at the start of the ride. The old farm scene has been replaced by three animatronic singing cows. While I'm sure this helps add some excitement to an otherwise boring ride, I miss the old quiet cow. The new cows make a few more appearances throughout the ride so feel free to heckle them whenever they appear. For me.

Finally if you want to get an idea of what the ride is like you can check out the official website. It has a flash slideshow that shows some of the ride, the new singing cows, the roaster, parts of the factory section and the big finale, but most importantly it plays the ride theme song. I'm not to be held responsible if it drives you crazy.

Behind The Pixels: The Super Mario Story

2006-11-03T11:44:00.000-05:00

Without a doubt Mario has jumped his way to being the top hero of the video game world, but the climb wasn't easy, even for one with fiery flowers and magical capes at his disposal. After some extensive research, I've gathered the truth behind Mario's rise to fame, which is presented here for the first time. Interviews with friends and family will portray the struggles that our hero has faced.

What better place to begin than the beginning. Born on a cold and stormy night, it seemed fate knew what was in store for this new baby. Doctor Malamar remembers the delivery well.

"I've delivered lots of babies, but none stand out more than Mario. I've seen my share of babies born with a full head of hair, but he came out with a full-grown mustache. None of the other doctors or nurses has seen anything like it. I knew right then this kid was going to have a hard time through life, which was only reinforced when his parents named him. I presented the baby to the parents and asked if they had a name yet. Their response was 'Mario', so I felt I needed to clarify myself. 'I know he'll have your last name. I was asking about his first name,' I told them. 'Mario is his first name,' came their reply. I really took pity on that poor baby then. What kind of sick twisted sense of humor leads to someone naming their child Mario Mario?"

What king of monster indeed. Mario M. Mario, yes, even his middle name was Mario, grew up to be the prime target of schoolyard bullies. Even though they made his childhood a living nightmare, it was here that he learned the skills that eventually brought him fame and fortune. Whether it was dodging rocks aimed for his skull or jumping from tree to tree, Mario pushed himself to the limit to escape his tormentors. When escape wasn't an option, he often used bribery, giving the bullies the change he had found in exchange for his freedom.

After years of punishment Mario could finally take no more. He decided to drop out of school and hope the real world would treat him better. Without an education, Mario was forced to take whatever he could find and eventually ended up working on a construction crew. His foreman, George, remembers his fantastic abilities and the incident that lead to his dismissal.

"I wish all my workers could be like Mario. That guy knew how to walk the steel. He was all jumpin' and climbing and dodging. It was amazing. But then the incident happened. I came in early to find the whole site practically demolished and there was Mario with some floozy in a torn dress. It seems Mario brought his new girlfriend to the job site for some late night skyscraper action if you know what I mean. From what I understand some giant ape escaped from the zoo and happened upon the lovers. Instead of alerting the authorities Mario decided to take matters into his own hands. Sure he got the job done, but months of work were destroyed. Not to mention the giant smelly ape corpse I had to deal with. I had no choice but to give Mario the boot."

Jobless, Mario soon found himself spiraling into the depths of depression. He blamed the ape for his problems and grew paranoid that there were other apes out there waiting to further ruin his miserable life. With the last of his money Mario outfitted himself for a jungle expedition to hunt down as many apes as possible. Armed with giant cages and wind-up traps, he found it wasn't going to be as easy as he thought. Mario didn't account for the strong sense of community in the ape kingdom. For each ape he captured there was always a younger ape that was willing to risk his life for a daring rescue.

Out of food, out of traps and out of patience Mario returned to the city. With nowhere to turn Mario sought help from his only brother, Luigi. Having started his own successful plumbing company, Mario was hoping with his previous construction skills he could give his brother a hand. Luigi looks back to those days with regret.

"At first I was happy to help my brother out of a jam. I know things haven't been easy for him, so I figured I'd give him a try and in the beginning it was great. The mistake was changing the company name to Mario Bros. Plumbing. I was hoping to cash in on people that love to support family run businesses, but people started thinking my brother ran the company and that it was named after him. It bad enough my name is Luigi Mario, but now people are beginning to think Mario is the head of my own company."

"But I tried to put it all aside since we managed to get a big contract from the city. They needed a crew to go into the sewers and handle any issues with the pipes. I figured it would be simple stuff, a clog here, a leak there. Instead I find out the city has a massive animal control problem in the sewers. There was all kinds of crazy stuff down there. Turtles, crabs, and giant insects were all over the place. Not to mention the combustible gasses that would occasionally flare up. It was crazy but we kept at it."

Then one day more than animals came out of the pipes. Mario started to hear voices. Voices that were crying out for a savior. The brothers argued for some time about whether or not to investigate. Luigi was all too familiar with things that lurked in pipes, especially in the sewer, but Mario stubbornly held out until the only thing the other brother could do was follow along.

The brothers emerged from the pipe to find themselves in a strange new world. A world that would not only test all the skills Mario had learned so far, but also bring him fame and fortune. Fighting his way through horde of creature the likes of which he had never seen before, Mario headed for the castle he could see on the horizon. Though bottomless pits, underground caverns, giant mushrooms and even lava pools stood in his way, Mario came face to face with the castle's dread master. A terrible foe with the hard shell of a turtle with a dragon's ability to shoot fire, but it was no match for Mario's prowess. Deep within the castle Mario found the source of the voices he had been hearing. Toad, the mushroom retainer, remembers the rescue well.

"I sure was glad to be out of that sack. I smelled like old potatoes for a week. Anyway, I remember Mario getting all upset because while I told him the princess was in another castle I said I wasn't sure which one. In reality I knew which castle it was but I wanted to make sure he helped the other retainers first. I mean what's the big idea stuffing us in a sack."

Six other retainers later Mario stormed Bowser's castle where he believed the princess was being held prisoner. Everyone knows the final outcome, but after years of silence Bowser tells his side of the tale.

"Your wedding day is supposedly the happiest day of your life. At least it is if you don't have an arranged marriage. I didn't want to marry some pink squishy thing anyway, but my parents kept going on and on about the joining of the Koopa Kingdom and the Mushroom Kingdom and blah, blah, blah. Then those stupid little retainers started causing a ruckus. I guess they had a little too much to drink before they showed up, so we stuffed them into sacks and shipped them out of there so the wedding could get started. The next thing I knew there is this guy with a funny mustache challenging me to a fight. Let me tell you I can still remember the stench of that guy. It was like he just crawled out of the sewer or something. Anyway, I would have won if he hadn't flipped the switch to the drawbridge and run off like a coward. He can have the princess for all I care, but no one drops Bower into a pool of lava. We've had our little feud ever since."

Now the self-proclaimed protector of Mushroom Kingdom, Mario found the fame and respect he couldn't get in the real world, but now you know the difficult road that lead to it, which some might consider the rest of the story.

Commercials And Covers

2006-11-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

I have a confession. I like commercials. Not because I'm a good consumer, but because I like to be entertained. A lot of advertisers have given up on actually trying to sell their product with good reason. Most people don't rush out to the store after watching a commercial. The only ad in recent memory that affected my buying habits was for Quizno's and it wasn't because they showed tasty subs. It was because my television was possessed by creatures of inexplicable origin. That's the point of commercials today. Thirty seconds with which to fill the viewer with such confusion that they stumble off in a daze and hopefully buy the product in question.

Nothing exemplifies this process more than the following. I'm sure you probably remember it. A man and a woman are in an elevator and as they sneak peaks at each other their eyes meet. Music swells and we're given a glimpse of their possible courtship, wedding, honeymoon, and first child. The elevator doors open and they go their separate ways. It should be obvious by now that the ad is for pants, but the part that stuck with me was the music. My brain ends up being a vast repository of catchy ad tunes that tend to haunt my days until a new one settles in and this song was no exception. Unfortunately I live under a rock which happens to be located in a cave so I didn't know the song was I Think I Love You, and eventually like the commercial it just faded from memory.

Then one day the song reappeared on my radio. Only this time it was not so subtly different. The horns, the singer, and the fact that it was three time faster than the original could only mean one band was behind what I was hearing: Less Than Jake. Not to take away from their excellent original material, but to me they are the reigning cover champions. I doubt there is a song in existence that they couldn't make at least tolerable if not even enjoyable. But I can't help but wonder if there would be any competition for my imposed title. Let's take a look. Here is a list, in no particular order, of covers by other bands that may or may not have what it takes to dethrone the champs.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Sweet Emotion
To me this exemplifies what a makes a good cover. Lure the listener in with an opening similar to the original before unleashing the mutant beast your cover has become on their eardrums. Although it seems radically different at first the original starts to show through on subsequent listenings. It's still pure Bosstones though.

Dooms UK - Paranoid
Thanks to thousands of hours spent playing Rock 'N Roll Racing on the SNES two things are forever burned into my brain: the opening guitar from Paranoid and the phrase "Olaf unleashes hot fury!" The fact that this cover has no mention of Olaf is a huge disappointment, but that the opening is dutifully recreated almost makes up for it. Then the accordions start. No, I'm serious. Paranoid. Polka. They both start with the letter P so it's easy to see why they were a natural combination.

Rancid - Bob
When I saw a CD that had a bunch of tracks from Rancid and NOFX I thought why do I need this when I already have most of these songs. When I found out it was a CD of them covering each others songs, I knew I had to have it. I still haven't gotten around to buying it, but two of the tracks managed to make it on a compilation. While I like NOFX more, Rancid pulled off the better cover. Maybe it's just better since it's a NOFX song.

So, do any of these other bands have what it takes to take home the title of cover champions? Would any group really want that title? Probably not. Had any other band done covers of both the theme song for Gilligan's Island and The Dukes of Hazard I'd have to give it to them, but Less than Jake is the only one to fill that criteria. Their reign continues.

Update:
Having written this long before YouTube exploded in popularity I was disappointed that I couldn't find the commercials I was talking about so I could provide a link or at least some screen captures. Now it seems that there isn't much left that can't be found on the Internet. Here they are:

Quizno's "We Love The Subs" Commercial

Quizno's "Coupon" Commercial

Levi's "Elevator Fantasy" Commercial

Links to the covers are a bit trickier since the best I can find are just 30 second clips. It's hard to judge something in 30 seconds, but at least it gives you an idea.

Less Than Jake's "I Think I Love You" Cover

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Sweet Emotion" Cover

Rancid's "Bob" Cover

Also, I've discovered how wrong I was to believe Less Than Jake were the kings of covers. The true title belongs to the Me First & The Gimme Gimmes. If you can withstand 30 seconds of these and not enjoy yourself then, uh, I guess we have different tastes in music.

New-vember

2006-11-01T12:25:00.000-05:00

One post a month does not a successful website make. I'm here to correct that. Kind of. I'll let you in on a secret. This isn't my first attempt at a website. Some lasted longer than others but so far none of them have survived. That doesn't bode well for this place does it?

Don't worry. I have a plan. I am declaring November to be "It's New To You" month. All month long I'll be digging through the broken remains of sites long past to find posts that deserve a second chance. Considering they were only read by one or two people the first time around you'll never know the difference. I may even throw a few actual new posts into the mix. Of course if you've never read anything the first time you won't realize they're new.

Chocolate Logic

2006-10-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

Remember those old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials. They'd show one guy walking down the street eating a big chocolate bar. Then they'd show a different guy with an open jar of peanut butter, though why was never explained. Then they'd both crash into each other and complain they got their snacks genetically intertwined. It's obvious that the "you've got your peanut butter in my chocolate" guy came out ahead. The proof is in the fact that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are in the candy hall of fame. But what happened with the "you've got your chocolate in my peanut butter" guy?

I know what you're thinking. Didn't both of those guys end up with the same tasty treat? The answer is no. Before you flood my inbox with your poorly worded proof on why peanut butter + chocolate = chocolate + peanut butter, allow me to explain. You may have noticed a bag of the latest offering from old man Reese hanging out with the rest of the Halloween candy. If you haven't they're called Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Inside Out. The name seems self explanatory but just in case you need some clarification they look like normal cups except the peanut butter and chocolate have switched places.

It sounds like a good idea. After all they're still the same great two tastes that in theory should taste great together no matter what the order. Unfortunately the only thing these inside out imposters prove is that order matters. It's not that they taste horrible. On their own they would be a decent candy choice but the fact remains that the standard cup exists as a point of reference. One would expect these gimmick cups would taste the same or at least similar. They do not.

Now you know the truth. The "peanut butter in my chocolate" guy got to enjoy the spoils of the accident while the "chocolate in my peanut butter" guy went home to cry himself to sleep. As for me, it looks like I'll be handing out these abominations to treat-or-treaters and hope my house doesn't get egged. It beats having to eat a whole bag of the things.

A Day At The Zoo

2006-09-06T12:09:00.000-04:00

Zoos are interesting places. They provide an opportunity to learn about animals you don't see in your everyday life, unless you happen to live on the African savannah or you work as a zookeeper. But I doubt zookeepers spend their day off at work and I haven't heard good things about the availability of the internet in the savannah, so I'll continue to assume you don't spend you day hanging out with marsupials.

There's one thing zoos have more of than animals and that’s plaques. I'll skip the flossing joke and just tell you to ignore these things. They may seem like a great source of information about the animal that is balled up at the back of the cage sleeping, but what if something exciting happens while you're reading about how the animal spends most of its time sleeping curled into a ball. It might shift in its sleep and you'd miss out.

Instead of spending your day at the zoo reading, use your eyes for watching. You can learn all you need to about the animals by just listening to the people around you. Some might consider this eavesdropping and a bit rude, but no one will know unless you point and laugh at them.

Here are a few animals I learned about during a recent trip to the zoo.

African Penguins. They're not just for Antarctica anymore apparently. Also some of them were retarded because they spent their time staring at rocks instead of swimming around like their friends.

A Warthog Named Pumba. Or maybe it was his brother or cousin. I'm not really sure. I left before the argument was finished.

A Really Large Dog. I am so glad I was set straight on this animal. For years I've been calling them cows. Boy, do I feel foolish.

Unicorn. No, I won't tell you which zoo I was at. I don't want it overcrowded with people gawking at the unicorn. Its secret is safe with me and that little girl that kept yelling about it.

I also learned how to tell the difference between a male and female chimpanzee. That should come in handy at the next Chimp Social. I can't believe I danced with that guy for hours last time and no one told me.

Finally and probably most importantly I learned that Dippin Dots are kosher. It doesn't really help me any but maybe some of you out there might have been wondering.

Coin Conversations

2006-08-18T15:31:00.000-04:00

Washington: I told her, "Look lady, I don't know how I got in here and frankly I'm just as shocked as you are."

Roosevelt: That's disgusting!

Washington: But unfortunately true.

Lincoln: Ok, people let's settle down. I've called this meeting because I've learned of some news.

Jefferson: Is it time for another redesign already?

Lincoln: No, this is something far more serious. I've learned there is talk about getting rid of one of us.

Roosevelt: Is not me is it? Oh, it's probably me. I can't help it I don't conform. I'm drinking milk every day to help me grow big and strong. You'll see.

Lincoln: Calm down, Frank. It's me they're after.

Roosevelt: Oh, well then...

Jefferson: ...perfect sense...

Washington: ...no big deal.

Lincoln: That's all you have to say?

Washington: What did you expect?

Lincoln: I expected your support. I expected us to rise up together to fight this, but I should have known. None of you can put yourselves in my shoes. You don't know what it's like to be left behind for strangers to do with you as they please. You haven't been left buried in the dark places on this Earth knowing no one will bother to look for you. You don't know what it's like to fall and no one even has the decency to stop to help you up.

Sacagawea: I know how you feel, Abe.

Lincoln: Quiet, you.

Jefferson: I think you're taking this too seriously. You've had a good run. Maybe it's time to think about retirement.

Lincoln: Never. Mark my words, Jefferson. When I'm gone you'll be next. You'll all be next until none remain.

Washington: There's no way they would get rid of me. I'm the biggest.

Kennedy: Don't be so sure about that.

Washington: Oh, uh... I... Um.

Kennedy: I know. You forgot about me. Everybody does. But soon it will be my turn in the spotlight.

Jefferson: You don't mean...

Kennedy: That's right. I've been behind it all along. My ingenious plan will phase all of you out in the next fifteen to twenty years.

Roosevelt: You monster!

Lincoln: But why?

Kennedy: We're a lot alike, Abe. I've felt the scorn and disgust of the world. But unlike you, there is no place for me in it. And it's time I get my revenge.

Washington: But you plan will most likely destroy you as well.

Kennedy: Don't you see? It doesn't matter anymore. Muhahahahaha...

The Bell: *ding*

Lincoln: Oh. It looks like our time is up. I guess we'll have to continue this at the next meeting.

Kennedy: Same time next week?

The Dead Revive For Burger Time

2006-08-04T16:34:00.000-04:00

I'm going to talk about burgers. They've been on my mind a lot lately thanks to an onslaught of commercials from a fast food burger chain whose mascot has caused thousands of people to sleep with weapons under their pillow just in case they "wake up with the king."

You've probably seen them, ads featuring burgers consisting entirely of meat and cheese. And then you start wondering did I just see Tattoo? And then the next time you see the commercial it ends differently, so you can't be sure. But then you see the commercial where you though you saw Tattoo, but he isn't there. Then you begin to question your sanity until finally you see the commercial one more time and there he is, Tattoo. But isn't he dead? Yes. Yes, he is. Apparently this burger is so amazing it even gives life to the dead. With a message like that I had to have one.

After having one I wondered why Zombie Villechaize would allow himself to be involved in such a project. When a burger is only comprised of two things those two things better be good. The cheese was good, but honestly is there such a thing as bad cheese apart from a slice that falls into the little crack between the counter and refrigerator when no one notices and starts to fester after a week. The meat didn't live up to expectations and considering it comprised more than 50% of the burger I wound up a bit disappointed.

But lets get back to the mystery of why a dead man is appearing in commercials. Is it a Hervé Villechaize look-a-like or was Tattoo digitally ripped from his island paradise to help shill burgers? Check out this video around the three minute mark to help you make up your mind. I also found an article claiming he's a digital reproduction, and newspapers never lie, right? So there you have it, if you're famous and dead you never know what you may end up endorsing.

True Fiction That Happens To Also Be Strange

2006-07-28T12:41:00.000-04:00

Here is a collection of quick thoughts that really don't deserve their own post. You could argue that they don't really even deserve this one. Look, a three-headed monkey.

I once saw an old woman at the mall. She was colorblind. How do I know? She was wearing a green dress. The rest of her outfit was perfectly color coordinated to match. Jewelry, purse, even panty hose were a complimentary shade of green. Except her shoes. Her shoes were pink. A pink some might even describe as being hot. I can only imagine her husband at home sitting in his recliner still snickering.

I own a house near a school. It's close enough that some day I expect to have this conversation with my son.

"Why do I have to walk to school?"

"Because it's not even a block away."

"But what if it's snowing?"

"Then you can honestly say to our kids 'Quit complaining. When I was your age I had to walk to school through the snow.'"

"Did you have to walk to school?"

"No, I took the bus. I'm not a savage."

I once saw a blind man accidentally hit a man in a wheelchair in the head with his cane. To make matter worse, the man in the wheelchair was deaf. The blind man genuinely sorry tried to apologize while the deaf man offered him some sign language everyone can understand. This when on for a while until both realized nothing was being accomplished. As he turned to leave the blind man started waving his cane and struck the deaf man. Again. In the head. It's not nice to laugh at the handicapped but sometimes you can't help it.

McTime Capsule

2006-07-20T10:06:00.000-04:00

It's amazing the kind of stuff that get saved over the years. I recently came across a McDonald's gift certificate. That might not seem too odd, but take a close look at the expiration date. December 31, 1977. Even stranger is where I found it, in an envelope filled with my old savings bonds. I guess someone though it might increase in value over the years. That someone was probably me.

On The Trail To Mars, Oregon.

2006-07-14T15:12:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger told me to get my fanny to Mars. Or maybe I just fell asleep while watching Total Recall on TBS. In either case how can I ignore a direct order from the governor of a state I don't live in?

Unfortunately a trip to Mars is a bit out of my price range, but I know of another trip that's just as dangerous but a bit cheaper. It's free. So come join me on my adventure down memory lane and the Oregon Trail.

Our journey begins back in 1848. Having grown tired of being an Illinois farmer, I packed my bags and gathered a formidable crew to help me on my path to a new life. But first we needed to buy some supplies. I gathered up my life savings of $400 and headed to Matt's General Store.

I think Matt is a cheat. Oh, he had lots of helpful "suggestions" but I find it hard to trust someone that's already managed to run all his competition out of town. Why do I need two pairs of clothes anyway? It's not like I'll be doing laundry along the way.

With lighter pockets, my super friends helped me load the wagon so we could be on our way. Before we left I talked to one of the locals who insisted I buy more clothes that I could trade to the Indians. I think I saw a Matt's General Store nametag under his vest. I hate this place. So long "Independence."

We survived blizzards and spent three days chasing an ox that thought he'd rather travel alone but we finally arrived at the Kansas River crossing. It was time to make a decision. Do we take our chance at fording the 6-foot deep river (oxen are taller than six feet, right?) or caulk our wagon and ride it down the river as the first ATV. Spiderman suggested we wait in the line for the ferry, but that guy wanted to charge $5. That would have bought half an outfit back at Matt's. I was sure if we waited it out the river would eventually dry up and we could cross safely.

After three days of camping the river showed no signs of evaporating, not to mention the fact that Superman was eating through our supplies faster than a speeding bullet. So with much grumbling I paid the $5 to the ferry master and spent the next five days waiting for our turn.

We made it to our next destination without incident, only to be greeted with another river crossing. Luckily this one was only two and a half feet deep, so I got to keep my five bucks this time. It's too bad we had to wait a day for our supplies to dry out because Batman and Wolverine insisted on having a splash fight half way through the ford.

I was happy to leave the rivers behind but it wasn't long before tragedy struck. I'm pretty sure Matt sabotaged our wagon because we didn't buy any of his overpriced spare parts. How hard could it be to repair a wheel anyway I thought? Cavemen managed to make wheels. Turns out it's pretty hard. Four super heroes couldn't even fix a wooden wheel. I knew I should have brought the Professor instead of Wolverine. Somehow we continued on with our broken wheel.

A few days latter we passed a grave of an unfortunate traveler. He must have really like pizza and misspelling things.

Superman fell asleep on guard duty and a thief made off with our oxen. How he fit them into those tiny boxes I'll never know.

Even after all that we arrived at Fort Kearney, nestled between the Dolph River and the Jimbo Mountains. A visit to their gift shop made me reconsider my views on Matt's prices. After briefly considering setting up shop and selling off our remaining supplies at a nice profit, we decided to continue on.

We took a break to do a little hunting to help replenish our food stores. I did my best to help thin out the overpopulated buffalo. Turns out I misheard that Indian about the number of buffalo remaining. Sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better another thief came by and took off with most of the meat.

In other news Spiderman is sick. We were so busy tending to him that we almost didn't notice the thief that took off with 38 of our bullets. It's just as I suspected. The thief left behind a button that reads: Matt's General Store; The Only Store In Town. The game is on.

Chimney Rock was an impressive sight. That night Batman molded his mashed potatoes into a replica of it and continued to insist that it meant something. Superman flung peas at him and I had to send everyone to bed without dinner.

Not to be outdone, Superman acquired a disease of his own. Everyone teased him that the only way he could get sick is if he allowed himself to. He spent the next three days crying in the back of the wagon.

We stopped at Fort Laramie long enough to pick up some cartons of cigarettes, also overpriced, before continuing on.

Spiderman and Wolverine got into an argument over if we were traveling in circles. It seems Wolverine confused our starting location with our current destination of Independence Rock. I saw Batman scribble his name on the rock when he thought no one was looking.

At South Pass a young girl told me a sob story about her sick father. It seems they've been traveling too hard and now he's sick. Serves him right. Now while he's resting I'll get to Oregon and steal his prime piece of land. Turtle wins again, sucker.

Unlike the broken wheel a broken axel is no match for my super compadres. Unfortunately they were so proud of themselves they didn't notice we were on the wrong trail. Thanks for the wasted five days guys.

Superman attempts to befriend a snake. We tried to explain that it probably wasn’t a good idea. The whole thing ended in tears. Again.

I was just thinking you know it's been a while since someone tried to con me out of money when we came to the Green River crossing. At 21 feet deep I figured it was a good idea just to pay up. But I didn't take any pictures out of spite.

It's Batman's turn to have some strange disease. Wasn't typhoid a Daredevil villain?

At the Soda Springs we all took some time to quench our thirst. I had a Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. Wolverine was mad that they didn't have any Blue Pepsi. We tried to explain that soda hadn't been produced in years and even when it had, it was nasty.

I have nothing bad to say about Fort Hall. Our stay was very pleasant and I indicated so on our comment sheet.

Is eating one of your oxen allowed? Because if it's not just pretend I ever asked. But in my defense, that thief struck again stealing most of our food. And I swear that wagon really was abandoned.

At Snake River crossing there wasn’t even a ferry. I had to hire an Indian that insisted on payment of 3 sets of clothes. I would have rather paid the $5. Superman, Batman and Wolverine are lucky we found those spare sets or the rest of the trip would have been very awkward.

Wah, wah. Now the whining starts. I'm cold. I'm hot. When are we getting there? I have dysentery. They're a bunch of super crybabies if you ask me.

We made it to Fort Boise. More like Fort Boxy, right? No one laughed.

Next was the Blue Mountains. More like Not Blue At All Mountains, right? Still no laughs.

After Batman's little incident we all came up with his new theme song. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, na, crutches. He wasn't amused. Where has all the fun gone?

Eventually we came to The Dalles, which turned out to be an exciting water park. They strapped our wagon to a raft and sent us down a rock filled river. They even took our picture at the end, which Wolverine ruined by lifting up his shirt.

Our river ride brought us right to our new home. When we parked our wagon some guy ran up and handed me a scorecard. It's no Mars but I'd like to think we did pretty ok.

Books I Haven't Written

2006-07-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

Summertime is easy reading time. At least that's what the sign outside of the school near my house says. I think that sign gives kids the opportunity to complain about reading during the school year, since it implies it's not as easy to do then as in the summer.

Here are a few titles of books that are also hard to read even in the easy reading time of summer. It's not because they're full of big made-up words, like falaphilantaterist, or that they are a rare find with a limited print run. No one has written them yet.

Brunch with Nostradamus

What Now, Space Cow?

Strange Things Happen To A Seemingly Normal Person Who Turns Out Not To Be Normal But The Center Of A Complex Conspiracy And Then More Things Happen (Working Title)

I'll be back with a plot summary for each, but until then feel free to post your own theories.

Air Mail

2006-06-21T16:50:00.000-04:00

I have a bird living in my mailbox. It's home isn't in the actual box but in the little newspaper chute below the box that no one ever uses. At first it was kind of cute. Not so much anymore.

Retrieving the mail now results in two scenarios. Usually the bird will fly out just as I'm opening the mailbox causing me to jump three feet in the air. No matter how hard I prepare myself having something fly out at me kind of freaks me out. The second and less appealing situation has the bird already out of the box as I approach, which decides I'm getting a little too close for comfort and starts diving at my head. In either case I'm sure my neighbors find my antics highly amusing.

Have You Ever Heard Of Origami?

2006-06-14T11:31:00.000-04:00

The human brain is an amazing tool. It's capable of solving the most complex problems or creating beautiful works of art or any other number of wondrous feats. I use mine to catalog old commercials. Truthfully I was unaware of this special ability until recently when a toy dinosaur managed to unleash a flood of Little Caesars, a now (mostly) defunct pizza chain, commercials from my mind's dark depths.

Like Wendy's "Where's The Beef?" commercials from a few years earlier, Little Caesars ran a bunch of spots that instead of focusing on promoting their own product made fun of the competition. The ads usually featured a bland looking pizza store who's deals didn't match up to the two for one deal the little guy in the toga was always chanting about ("pizza, pizza"). One of the ads in particular stands out.

A customer comes in and asks the person behind the counter if he can get two pizzas for the price of one. The clerk responds that he can get a pizza and a box. The confused customer asks what he's supposed to do with a box. The clerk asks if he's ever heard of origami. There's another shot of the even more confused customer while the sounds of a box being folded are heard. We cut back to the clerk who is now holding some sort of cardboard bird. "What's that," the customer asks. "It's a pterodactyl," is the cheerful response. The part that makes the spot so great are the sounds the clerk makes when he's playing with the dinosaur while the customer makes his escape. Rawh, rawh.

There were quite a few spots staring the drab pizza place, but that one is probably my favorite. This is the point where I'd direct you to someplace where you could download the ad for yourself. Unfortunately even with the power of the internet at my disposal I still haven't uncovered it. Until then I'll just have to depend on the catalog in my head.

Title!

2006-05-03T14:15:00.000-04:00

The landscape of children's literature has changed a lot since I've read about a feline in headgear. A large portion of it still feels familiar but those old friends have been joined by some new and somewhat strange neighbors, such as Pirates! With a title like that and being shaped like an actual pirate, my curiosity couldn't resist a quick peek.

The title is a pretty good summary. It's a book about pirates, I mean, pirates! It contains all the information a toddler may need if they have to write a report on pirates(!). Why they need to write a report and who assigned it is anyone's guess. I on the other hand learned that pirates kept cats on their ships to kill rats and one of their weapons of choice was a cutlass. In addition the invention of the steam engine forced them all to find new jobs, I believe as used car dealers or telemarketers.

In summary it seems no topic is too far fetched for a children's book. I can't wait for the sequel, Ninjas!

You’ve Got Your Something In My Other Thing

2006-04-27T17:36:00.000-04:00

When two of your favorite things come together it should be a magical moment, like those old Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups commercials, so I'm not really sure what to think when I read something like this.

While I'd find it hard to argue that more of Jason Lee is a bad thing, my inner child is a bit wary of having one of its fond memories brought back to life as a live action movie. Mix the two together and I'm starting to have a bad feeling about the whole thing. That may be because I keep picturing Underdog saying, "Sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse."

P.S. My last name is not Lee.

Brain Drain

2006-04-25T10:44:00.000-04:00

Let me make this quick, since apparently my brain may slip into a coma any second now.

If you haven't quite figured it out from the layout around here, I enjoy video games. I have for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately I've come to the realization that the growing pile of games I've yet to finish, or even start in some cases, isn't a coincidence. I no longer have the same amount of free time. Games that claim hundreds of hours of game play now take months to finish instead of the weeks my younger self would devote.

What does this self-pitying tale have to do with my dying brain? I'm getting to that. You see I've been focusing on playing games that are more manageable in bite sized chunks, such as the Nintendo DS's Brain Age.

I wouldn't call Brain Age a game in the normal sense, unless your idea of fun is math problems. A floating polygonal doctor head guides you through some fast paced mental exercises and then diagnoses how old your brain is based on your results. The truth is I'm mainly after the 100 levels of sudoku, but I figured it might give the old noggin a workout. So what was the doc's good word? My brain age is 80 years old.

I'm sure you're thinking that's pretty bad but it could be worse. Let me assure you that it can't. 80 years old is the highest age you can get, which does explain why I've been feeling the urge to yell at kids to get off my lawn. Whippersnappers.

Background Players

2006-04-24T16:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever stopped to really examine your vacation photos? Sure you might flip through them every now and then to remember the great time you had, but you probably don't sit there memorizing at all the details like someone is going to ask you questions about what you just saw. You'd be surprised at the things you find that weren't meant to be the subject of your photo, like this happy family.

I have no idea who those people are, but there they were with their funny faces hanging out at the edge of one of our pictures. I do have a good idea what's causing the faces though. Notice that white blur in the upper corner? Let's just say if you go to Sea World and happen to stop to feed the sea lions, watch out for birds. Big ones.